Unpopular Opinion: I Wish Summer Would End Already

Summer is less fun when you’re an adult. You’re supposed to ~relax~ but you don’t get a two month break to go make lanyards at sleep away camp or swim all day and eat popsicles, wrapped in wet towel, slowly soaking pool water into your living room carpet.

It’s kind of bullshit.

At best, you organize weekend trips with your friends that will bankrupt you, figure out a reasonable amount of PTO and WFH days to finagle into some sort of obligatory family trip you have to check your email from no matter what, get sun burns on rooftops because you’re too drunk to reapply sunscreen AND order multiple “cute” swimsuits from online that you will try on and return no less than three times.

This all while working 40+ hours a week and sweating profusely everywhere, all the time.

It’s August and while we’re admittedly in the decline of summer, I personally can’t wait for it to mercifully end.

Summer feels like it started in May. I can’t pinpoint an exact day but suddenly it was 100 degrees and I was wearing all white outfits and carrying straw bags and sunglasses from brunches to the beach. I had 47 margaritas in June alone and was sunburned 90% of July.

I’m so tired. I just want to wear a sweater and drink a dirty chai oat milk latte on a chilly morning in peace.

I’m so over #lovesummerhateverythingelse that I don’t want to catch so much as a whiff of coconut-y sunscreen or a lick of watermelon Chazstick (my preferred summer lip balm from Dedcool) until 2020.

It just seems easier to live my life not in summer mode. There’s less pressure to have fun, there’s no panicking about losing beach time, I don’t feel as obligated to eat salad and I don’t have to freak out about my life again until late November (Thanksgiving is a different kettle of fish).

I’m not saying I need piles of leaves and pumpkin patches (although HMU in October for all your fall festivities), all I’m asking for is the ability to at least think about enjoying a bowl of soup on my lunch break without getting heat stroke. And also maybe to find a nice flannel at a reasonable price to wear on weekends.

Labor day is only two weeks away and I know you bitches on your beach vacations will be crying over the side of your yachts once this hot girl summer officially comes to an end.

But I have an inbox full of pumpkin spice pitches and it’s making me want to retire my flip flops and put lotion on these sand-scuffed feet, slip on my fuzziest socks and work from home.

 

This Is Your Life On Mercury Retrograde

We’re blaming this sh*t for EVERYTHING

Forgetting your car keys inside your already locked home

Spilling coffee down your shirt even though you’re using a straw

Walking into closing elevator doors

Your computer freezing

Your phone freezing

Your brain freezing

Crying at work

Forgetting your lunch

Having a pimple

Having three pimples

Food stuck in your teeth

Spelling erroerss

Instagram is down

Your tweet got 0 likes

Burned toast

Split ends

Your podcast only halfway downloaded and now you’re in a dead zone for another hour

Getting a ticket

A sunburn

Getting ghosted

Getting into a fight

A hair in your food

Choking on literally nothing

Battery dies in your vibrator

No one telling you you have a booger

Getting your period in white pants

Getting your period in any pants, really

A text from your ex

No wifi

 

 

 

Is It Too Late To Buy The Instagram Skirt?

I could have easily just texted Kate about this, but I also wanted to ask all of you.

You know this skirt. You might love this skirt or simply love to hate this skirt, but it is THE INSTAGRAM SKIRT.

If you still do not know to which skirt I am referring, it is the Realisation Par “Naomi” skirt in the wild things print.

Screen Shot 2019-05-29 at 12.38.42 PM.png

Depending on where you live, you’ve probably seen at least 80 different girls wearing this exact skirt or imitations of this exact skirt.

The further we roll into spring (and the more I see people wearing it with cute tank tops), the more I consider purchasing it. Or purchasing a dupe because this skirt is $180 and I am a $6 oat milk matcha away from being flat broke.

But is it too late to get this skirt????

It’s been around for a while. It’s cycled through all my favorite influencers like a Glossier rep code.

There is already an Instagram dedicated to mocking the women who wear it! Which is:

A. To be expected because god forbid anyone let women enjoy things

B. KIND OF FUCKED UP!

C. Okay, a tiny bit funny

View this post on Instagram

Found by @cgisom in New York

A post shared by leopardmidiskirt (@leopardmidiskirt) on

It seems to have become a beacon of basic-ness, like Kylie Lip Kits and Lulu Lemon (two things I heartily enjoy but do cringe a tiny bit at indulging in).

But it would look SO cute at the beach or in the desert (PALM SPRINGS 2K19) or on the street or just like hanging up in my closet taunting me to wear it everywhere.

I don’t even know how it’s going to fit! I’ve never even tried it on!

But still the question remains…..should I get this skirt? Is it too late? Has it become passé?

LMK

xo

Summer Activities We’re Super Excited For

It’s getting hot out there and to help us slip into the the “hashtag love summer hate everything else” mindset, we’ve decided to list all the things we’re most excited for this summer 2K19:

Pools

Road trips

Buying expensive sunscreen and forgetting it at home

Sunburns

Backyard barbecues

Watermelon

Playing cornhole

Getting eaten alive by mosquitos

The beach

Summer vacation Instagrams

Summer thirst trap Instagrams

Scrolling through Instagram for like three hours while you sit in the sun

Awkward bathing suit tan lines

Blisters from your new sandals

Trying to sell out-of-season clothing to Buffalo Exchange

Making $2 at Buffalo Exchange

Depression re-watching The Office

Sweating in your car

Sweating on the train

Being sweaty all the time

Chub rub

Rosé

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I Learned From Not Eating Bread For A Week

I didn’t go on some trendy LA diet, I’m not actively trying to lose weight, nor have I developed a sudden allergy to gluten. But what I’ve learned is that giving something up out of religious obligation is still a hot take in 2019, even amongst your own community.

Usually I try (and fail) to eat kosher for Passover. As a reform Jew, my group is typically the most liberal–even with our own religion– to the point where a chunk of us would describe themselves not as Jewish but as “Jew-ish.”

Many reform Jews don’t fast for Yom Kippur or keep kosher for Pesach, but recently I’ve done both. Like really recently. As in, it’s still Passover while I write this.

For a week I haven’t consumed leavened bread, pasta, tortillas, rice, corn, legumes, or anything like that. I haven’t had any oat milk lattes, no popcorn, no bagels, no penne alla vodka, etc…just a lot of salads and semi-creative/mainly shitty meals with some form of matzo.

(Not counting the eggplant salad or chicken I made with you, Mom. Love you)

In the process, I learned a lot about myself, my body, and about the company I keep.

One: I Get Hungry Every 5 Minutes Without Bread

I’m a hungry person and I eat a lot, but after two days of not eating any sort of bread-stuffs except matzo, I found that I was near ravenous All. The. Time.

Like I would make eggs and avocado for breakfast and then five minutes later I would be hungry still, so I would have some fruit. Then I would get hungry again, so I would have a sheet of matzo. Then I would STILL be hungry and I would be S.O.L. (shit out of luck) because I didn’t want to eat more matzo or more fruit.

Two: I Eat So Much Dairy!!!!

I definitely kind of knew that I could survive off cheese forever, but this confirms it. If there is suddenly a world-wide bread shortage, I can and will survive on string cheese and Babybels for the rest of my life. And enjoy it.

I have had more cheese this week than any other week in recent memory. You know who else loves cheese? Fellow Jew (and problematic AF) Courtney Love.

Three: The World Needs More Salad Options Without Croutons/Tortilla Strips

I get that it adds crunch, but more restaurants should offer salads without croutons/tortilla strips/wontons!!! What about our celiac brethren! People on medication with specific diets! Or people with a fear of tiny toasts! I don’t know!

The point is, there were hardly any salad options that weren’t covered in tiny bites of bread and I can imagine that if you are avoiding bread for any reason but want a salad, this makes your life a little harder.

While this is truly not anything terrible, I do have a very sad story about a crouton incident I once had in college:

When I was a junior and kosher for Passover I went to Panera and asked for a salad with no croutons. They gave it to me WITH croutons. I came back and tried to explain that I couldn’t eat the croutons. These croutons weren’t just like sprinkled on top, they were in and around and all over the salad, hiding under lettuce leaves– like the bread sprinkles from them were on the salad, making it impossible to eat if you’re K4P (kosher for Passover).

Instead of just saying they would make me a new one, the server was pissed off and asked me in a very rude tone, “do you want me to pick them out?”

“No,” I said through gritted teeth. “It’s fine.” And then I threw the salad out in a trash can in the back of the restaurant and left.

Yes, I feel guilty for not giving that salad to a hungry person. Thank you for asking.

I am telling you this story for no other reason than to say, fuck you whoever rude ass Columbia student was working at the Panera at State and Congress in Chicago!!!!!!!!

Damn!!

Four: People Want To Talk You Out Of It

“Just have some! I won’t tell!”

“Oh, I’m sure God won’t care if you take a little bite”

“Dude, just eat it!”

I’m sure God won’t care if I eat a bite of your sandwich, but I do. It’s called accountability–look it up!

jk

But for real, this is me trying to be accountable for myself and actively attempting to be a part of the religion I claim to be a part of (though I’m sure I’m doing a shitty job). It’s nice that you want me to taste your food or maybe it’s rude that you don’t want to listen to me complain about how I can’t eat real pizza for three more days??? But also could you stop? lol

It’s a personal choice that doesn’t effect you and your discomfort with it is showing.

Five: People Think You’re More Religious Than You Actually Are

I’m not going for Super A+ Jew here or anything. I’m just not eating bread. I’m not even actually keeping kosher. I think the only certified Kosher food I’ve had is the matzo I’ve been eating all week. I can’t really even call myself K4P, I had shellfish at Disneyland!!

But in the week I haven’t been eating Br3adZ I’ve been told by Jewish friends that I’m a better Jew than they are and have had non-Jewish friends say they didn’t realize I was so religious. All because I am taking a week of my life to reflect on the suffering of the Jewish people, the story of Passover, and can’t eat nachos.

So WHY am I doing this?

Because honestly, it’s been a rough year. I know it’s only April but I guess I am referring to from last April to now. It’s been a rough two years, actually.

Little meditations like this remind me that suffering isn’t permanent. I could just get “this too shall pass” tatted above my ass, but a week without bread seemed cheaper.

Doing this, I not only remember the suffering of the Jews fleeing Egypt, I reflect on the suffering of my own life–admittedly not that there’s been much–but this Passover I want to be dedicated to mindfulness and the power of choice.

I want to engage in active remembrance of the passing of people I love, how hard things have been for people in my family, the end of relationships, jobs, moving, anything, everything. All the things that have been weighing me down.

Suffering isn’t a choice–no matter if you’re an enslaved person or your brain chemicals have decided to rage against you. However, choosing to remember and honor that suffering is.

So that’s why I did this. I wanted to sit with it for a week, feeling my stomach gurgle while I watched other people eat bagels, and make it count.

I thought about my sister. I thought about my Zayde. I thought about Andrew, who said this was like Jewish Whole 30 and therefore I am never doing that diet probably ever. I thought about my parents, and my friends, my Uncle, and anyone I had ever loved and lost or hurt and anyone who had ever hurt me. I didn’t ask for forgiveness or forgive, this isn’t Yom Kippur–but I thought about them to keep reminding myself why I was doing this.

Suffering isn’t permanent. The time you spent hurting deserves to be honored. Things could always be worse.

Love you

xo

 

When I Drink Cold Brew I Can…

Leap tall buildings in a single bound

Answer all 376 unread emails

Color code my Google Cal like Audrey Gelman

Vibrate into oblivion

Call my gynecologist to schedule an appointment even though they’re really mean there

Devise a plan for dinner

Write entire paragraphs without looking at my screen

Make memes, crush dreams

Schedule Instagram posts for three separate accounts

Run a marathon

Develop facial blindness (like Brad Pitt!)

Text my best friend 100 times in a row about the magic of coffee

Order food to the wrong address

Send a correction email with too many “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Publicly denounce Pete Buttigieg on Twitter

Delete Twitter

Throw my computer into a dumpster

Rip off all my clothing

Dance naked in the street

Remember all the lyrics to every song in “The Greatest Showman”

See through time

Contact dead relatives

Use 100% of my brain

 

 

 

 

 

3 Products That Have Totally Changed My Life

What do these three items have in common? Absolutely nothing–except that they have greatly improved my life.

If you are a human who eats any sort of pizza, ever gets cold/ has period cramps, or are someone who uses a hairbrush, I’m about to make your life 10% better (at the very least).

Pizza Scissors

If you’re not cutting your pizza with scissors, you’re an idiot. They’re actually called “kitchen shears” and not “pizza scissors” but regardless, they make slicing your pizza an absolute breeze.

I find actual pizza cutters to be ineffective. I also lack the control I crave when I want to cut my pizza, just so. Plus, those things never REALLY penetrate the crust, do they? Knives also fuck up the cheese on your slice, you have to saw away at your pizza like a log, and I’m pretty much just scared of them in general.

Scissors however I am proud to say I have been using since Pre-K. I am a scissors master. It makes way more sense to use something I am actually good at using to slice my way through a hot Trader Joe’s frozen cauliflower crust pizza (or whatever) than wield a weapon I am not sure about.

PRO TIP: Don’t use the scissors you have in your kitchen knick knack drawer because those are germ-y from cutting clothing tags/amazon boxes/your bangs/pet things/idk. Invest in stainless steel kitchen shears!! Use them exclusively for pizza! You can find them on Amazon. YOU’RE WELCOME

Heated Blanket

My beautiful and kind friend Chelsea Denise Ashley Duff (not her actual name) won me a heated blanket during my family’s annual Chanukah white elephant game. From the day I plugged it in it has been nothing short of revolutionary.

My house gets really cold (great in the summer, awful in the winter) and although I know Chicago is going through a heat wave (that will end LOL) it’s still semi-cold everywhere else, even Los Angeles.

When I use it not only do I not have to shiver to get warm and then sweat beneath seven different blankets, but I can control the temperature so I don’t overheat. Plus, it warms me up right away which means less time with cold feet.

Another benefit of this heated blanket is that it’s basically a massive soft heating pad. So if you are a person who gets period cramps, laying under this baby feels really really soothing on your uterus.

This is not the one I have, but it’s close.

Tangle Teezer

I will be honest with you, I used to travel without a hair brush. They are mostly too big and bulky for my toiletry case and carry-on and also, I don’t wash my hair every day because it’s drying for my hair type, so I could get away with not having one on short trips.

However on long trips, I would typically attempt a sad finger-comb through my locks that would do nothing to tame the snarls all over my head. It made me feel incredibly self conscious and also kind of dumb for not just lugging around a large hair brush despite only having to use it once or twice on my trip and not having one made me (not the universe) responsible for my bad hair days.

Enter, the Tangle Teezer!

It’s small enough to fit inside a purse and tough enough to get through massive knots in wet and dry hair. Plus, it comes in a ton of cute colors and it’s only $12!! I use this little brush in the shower and it dries super quickly after because it’s all plastic so it doesn’t get my things damp if I need to pack up quickly. Plus, it’s super easy to pick the hair out of it and throw it away. This is a travel-must IMO.

Anyway, what products have changed your life recently?

Peloton? The Bible? LMK!

xo