This may be some Carrie Bradshaw shit, but we’re so tired of those trope-laden listicles about the kind of men you date in your twenties. They’re not good and they’re not accurate!! So we’ve created our own listicle about the real men you date in your twenties– if you’re dating men. The absolute monsters, the duds, the creeps, and the sort of good ones.
We would say “beware the following,” but this is the kind of bullshit you’ll put up with from 20 to 29. Hopefully when you’re 30 you’ll know better (you won’t!)
The Former Film Student
It doesn’t matter if he studied at NYU, USC, or Emerson. This guy thinks he’s PTA (that’s Paul Thomas Anderson. Can you even name three of his films?) and he’s working on a screenplay with his friend Josh that no one is allowed to see until it’s done. They went to Columbia together–that’s Columbia College, Chicago. He wants to take you to a movie in the park so he can lean over every ten minutes and explain it to you. He wears the same shirt every day and willfully ignores significant pop culture moments. Somehow you’re charmed???
He doesn’t get off until like 11 p.m. at the earliest so most of your dates are late night. It’s pretty cool at first until you realize you’re fucking exhausted and drunk all the time. He sleeps all day. He introduces you to new and exciting cocktails that you will order on subsequent dates to impress them. You never see him in daylight. He’s sad all the time because his days consist of sleeping and then going to work for long hours in a dark bar with drunk people. You end it with a text.
The Friend Of A Friend
You met him at your college best friend’s party. They’ve known each other since they were 12. You thought he was totally hot. You hook up for a few nights before realizing that it’s making your college friend uncomfortable. He moves states anyway.
The Ex Boyfriend You Can’t Seem To Quit
You dated for 4 months and then you broke up. You got back together and dated for almost a year. Then you broke up. Then you got back together, broke up, and got back together again. You might be broken up right now, but you’re totally getting back together later. Unless he’s fucking that girl you broke up with him for last time. Then you are never getting back together, like ever.
The Guy You Met On Tinder You Just Realized Was Racist
The date is going really well. He looks like his pictures, he has a cool job, and the conversation is interesting. You’re thinking this could really be going somewhere until he says something fishy about the Asian community in your area. You ask him to elaborate. It only gets worse. Check, please!
The Guy Who Introduced You To His Work Friends As His “Cousin”
He took you on a date to his WeWork space for wine and cheese night. You like a casual date, but this feels perhaps a little too casual. He introduces you to his co-workers as his “cousin.” Game over. He answers a phone call from his mother in front of you and puts it on speaker while they fight for 15 minutes. Game Over.
The Guy You Went To Middle School With Only You’re Hooking Up Now
You weren’t really friends in middle school (he was cool and you weren’t), but you were home in the suburbs and swiped right on each other. He grabs your boob in your mom’s car and fucks you in his childhood bedroom when his parents aren’t home. It’s a little nostalgic but mostly depressing.
The Guy You’re Never Going To Meet But You’re Emotionally Invested In
You met on an app when you were on vacation/in another state/west of the 405 and he is probably your soulmate. You talk for hours and have sizzling chemistry. You get jealous when you think he’s going on dates or if a girl comments on his Instagram. You’re probably never meeting in real life, but he’s YOURS damnit!
The Guy Who Won’t Have Sex With You On Your Period
He has no problem with you whacking him off in his bed, in the car, at the bar, in a house, on a mouse, anywhere. But blood is his kryptonite. You’re bleeding?? Sorry his penis is terrified. His fingers can’t even go down there! It doesn’t matter that you’re wearing a Diva Cup! This wittle baybee is scawed. Also, he still wants you to suck his dick.
The Guy Who Won’t Open Your Insta DM But Tagged You In A Photo Like A Monster
You went on a few dates around town, but conversation has fizzled. One day you look at your phone and realize there’s a notification. He’s tagged you in a photo from when you went to a sports game together, like a psychopath. WHO DOES THAT?? You DM him to say hey and mention that you saw it, but he doesn’t open it for days. He doesn’t open it at all. What the fuck?
The Good Guy You’re Not Attracted To
He listens, he laughs, he pays for your dates. He thinks you’re pretty even when you have no makeup on and a lot of hormonal acne. He’s genuinely interested in your mind, body, and soul. But he’s not doing it for you. You’re just not that into him. Never mind that he would probably Postmates you hungover Chick-fil-A or listen to you complain about your mom. He’s not unattractive, he’s just not….an asshole 😦