Expensive Alternative Wellness Treatments I Want To Try

Somatic Breathwork

I’m terrible at breathing. My deep breaths are laughably shallow, to the point that I’ve convinced myself that I either have small baby lungs or a deviated septum. Sure, a medical professional would have probably diagnosed these things by now if they were real health problems but it is a dream of mine that I will be vindicated the next time I have a physical and my doctor sticks that little light up my nose. Also, I have somehow trained myself to HOLD MY BREATH during any form of exercise and that just seems dangerous.

So what the f is somatic breathwork? According to the Power of Breath Institute (who even knew that existed?!), somatic breath therapy is a “highly sophisticated form of conscious breathing that teaches you how to breathe fully, getting more oxygen to your brain and body.” It turns out oxygen is really important to be a functioning human being. I for one am shocked.

The number one thing that the PBI claims breath therapy can do? “Help you take control of your life.” I screamed a little seeing that right at the top of the list. So you’re telling me that learning how to breathe better is gonna help me get my shit together? My body is ready. A few of the other minor, trivial things that somatic breathwork claims to do:

  • Reduce stress, anxiety, pain, and panic
  • Focus your attention to have more passion for what really matters
  • Become more aware of your body and feel good in your own skin
  • Integrate leftover “stuff” from your past that stops you from being authentic

So how much will this set me back? I found an online course that will teach me how to breathe for $50 but a private 60 minute consultation costs $150 ($225 for 90 minutes).

Likelihood of me actually doing this? I would totally consider doing the online course but the private consultations are a bit of a reach right now, at least to do regularly. I saw one website say that you start to feel life-changing results after 7 sessions so it will be a while before I can commit to that lump sum.

Spiritual/Astrological Counseling

I’m no stranger to therapy but I can guarantee that it would be 10000% more enjoyable and less of a bummer if I could just shoot the astrological shit with my therapist. I want to be able to vent about my shitty day and for her to say, “Well, you know Venus is currently five houses away from where the moon was when you were born and this angle represents change and separation.” It’s so much more interesting and fun to think that the planets have a role in my shitty day, rather than just me not addressing my procrastination issues stemming from my childhood or whatever.

What’s the damage? A 60 minute FaceTime session will set me back $250 but an abridged 30 minute session is $125!

Likelihood of me actually doing this? I’m already really into astrology and check the my horoscope and the planetary alignments on the Co-Star app more than I check my credit card balance on the Bank of America app. It seems like it would be really fun to do one time as a birthday present to myself but probably wouldn’t do it on a regular basis – I could put that $250 towards like four regular run-of-the-mill boring therapy sessions.

Custom Flower Essences

Turns out flowers are more just a purchase you make impulsively when you forget that you don’t even own one single vase! Did you know that flower remedies are a thing? The website of Alexis Smart, who creates custom flower essences, says that these essences can be used for “deep healing when you are out of balance” and to “raise your vibration and help maintain positivity.” Basically, they are tinctures that you drop under your tongue a few times a day to help you achieve peak wellness!

Alexis Smart sells remedies categorized under things like “Confidence”, “Heart”, “Focus”, and “For Kids” – even kids are getting into alt wellness these days! Her standard essence offerings are $37 but what I’m really interested in is a personal consultation to create my own custom essence. Alexis says that in a 60-90 minute consultation, you “talk about your personality (have you always been shy, or are you a perfectionist, a dreamer, etc.), as this will be the foundation of your formula.” Customized anything, especially in the realm of health/wellness is so appealing to me! I also love to be categorized by a third party – this sounds like a joke but there is nothing more satisfying to me than when someone says something like “Oh, that’s such a Sagittarius thing to say”. I FEEL SEEN.

So how much is it? Prices are not listed for the private consultation, which comes with a two month supply of your custom essence, so the mystery factor alone intrigues me. Let’s take a highly uneducated guess and say it’s between $125 and $200 bucks.

Likelihood of me doing it? I would be interested in trying some of the standard Focus essences to start my flower remedy journey before I graduate to the next level of custom floral tinctures. The Focus remedies have great names – Brain Drops, My Personal Assistant. and Soul Purpose – and help if you’re feeling scattered, dreading work, or haven’t found your calling aka that’s me every single day. Sign me the hell up.


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