The New 5 Love Languages

“Likes” & Comments Of Affirmation

For this person, nothing means more to them than a like or a comment on the ‘gram. Compliments, especially of the heart-eye emoji variety are the very definition of love. “Babe you look *kissy emoji* *kissy emoji* *100 emoji* *fire emoji* is akin to  being kissed deeply on their soul. If you’re not #teamfollowback, you won’t last long.

Acts Of Postmates Service

Can having a stranger deliver a bean and cheese burrito to your house at 9pm on a Wednesday be an act of love? Absolutely! The words this person wants to hear most are, “what’s the address?” but they don’t want YOU to deliver it yourself. Part of the act of this service is the service of not forcing them to see anybody they know while they’re not wearing any makeup, have worn the same pajamas for three days, or have a life shattering pimple. How is this different from gifts? It’s not. “Thank you so much for taking care of me baby xxx”

Quality FaceTime

Say, “I love you,” with your semi-divided attention, all the damn time. You’re not just there for the person with Quality FaceTime as their love language, you’re there for them when you’re in the shower, on the toilet, eating dinner, at the club, in the car…seeing your face 24/7 even in bad lighting lets this person feel special and loved. Watch out for poor signal and areas without wifi.

Butt Touch

They just want you to touch their butt. They want a booty rub. They want a butt slap. They want your hand in their pocket Peter Kavinsky style. Whether you’re laying at home in bed or walking down the street–your hand had better find its way to that tush even if it’s flat, bubble, wide, little, dimpled, stretch marked, tattooed, or what. “Butt touch” is the 2018 hand hold.

Gifts

Yeah, gifts are still gifts. Gimme.

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