The Most Comfortable Underpants In The World Are From GAP*

Underwear is so important. When I decided to love myself and stop wearing Victoria’s Secret “cheeksters” “thongies” or whatever glitter-dipped g-strings I was buying that were giving me major front-wedgies, I began an underpants exploration.

There was an intermediary period where I tried Target, and those were fine, but cheaply made and the lace was itchy. There was Aerie, which I found to be fine, but not exactly the fit I wanted. I even went online and found a brand that I like for pretty lacy things, but for every-day-comfortable-even-when-your-butt-is-sweating, it wouldn’t do.

Underpants are so personal. Yes, they cover your bits, but you also want panties that make you feel good and like you can move, and don’t irritate or dig into the soft flesh of your hips and thighs. My mom bought me underpants with a thick elastic waistband until I was 11. My tummy hung over the sides. They left huge red marks. I decided never again.

I’m 25 and I now know what I want. Yeah, I want thongs that don’t have weird rips in the front lace from god knows what or big granny panties covered in period stains that I keep for years because, laziness. I want big girl panties. Adult woman underwear. Something that keeps my crotch covered but looks cute. Something soft. Something breathable. Something without elastic but doesn’t fall off. No lace. no bows. The kind of underwear that if it fell out of your laundry bag in public you wouldn’t be like, “Gee, That’s embarrassing!” because it says “SASSY” on the ass.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

And then I found these at the GAP. I’m going to be real, I don’t like GAP. The GAP? Is Gap capitalized? I think their clothing is “feh,” their jeans are bad, and their sale section is a nightmare. But I needed underwear. I have been traveling and staying with friends and in hotels and haven’t done laundry and didn’t think turning my dirty pairs of panties inside out was the best course of action. I wandered in to the store only because my other options were J Crew (do they even have underwear?) and Nordstrom Rack (sizing and brands are questionable at any time).

They were under a sign labeling them as “softies,” which is exactly what I was looking for. The next buzz word I saw said, “breathe.” They were breathable!!! My coochie was gonna get to breathe! I touched them. They felt undeniably soft and light. They came in a variety of rises and colors, and many of them didn’t have some dumb ugly bow like I was a present or a baby!!!! I chose the high rise bikini because I wanted my tummy to feel covered and delicious in soft fabric damnit!

The next day I put them on and wow. Seriously, wow. I can’t even begin to explain to you what bliss it was. All day I felt comfortable. I didn’t pick a front wedgie even ONCE! No itchy lace, nothing digging into my body, and even better–they were cheetah print!! The cherry on top? A person I trust to see me undressed saw me wearing them, cheetah print from butt to belly button, and said they looked “hot.” Comfortable and hot? These panties are KILLIN IT.

******My only grouse, and the reason why I put an asterisk in the headline of this piece, is because they only go up to a size XXL. And that’s only online. What the fuck GAP. gap. gAp. Everyone deserves to feel the breathable comfort of these reasonably priced crotch-coverings!!!!!!!

Anyway, this isn’t sponsored or anything. I just really like them and wanted to tell you.

K bye.

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