It’s cuffing season!!! Time to cuff yourself to a person who can be your significant other until summer when you recklessly abandon them for a slew of summer flings. Or not. Cuffing season is kind of stupid. Why do you need someone because baby it’s cold outside? Answer: BABY YA DON’T.
I can think of 10 things I would rather be cuffed to than a person my family will interrogate me about all Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine’s Day, long. It sounds so much more interesting to have to explain why I am chained to this Kettle Corn stand than to have to re-tell the story of how Joshua and I met on an app to my 87-year-old second cousin Ruth.
Sounds amazing, tbh.
Again, sounds incredible.
A Really Good Sushi Restaurant
After all of my money is gone from eating sushi, I would start an unlikely friendship with one of the sushi chefs who is actually experimenting with the menu and she would toss me some of her creations for me to try and give my opinion on. Yes, there would be some clunkers, but I’m sure most of it would be pretty good. This is a really good sushi restaurant after all. Plus, new friend. Yay!
A Mug of Tea
It’s not like a magical one or anything, I would have to replenish it. Could also come in handy if I need to beat off an attacker or throw hot liquid in someone’s face.
Ruth Bader Ginsberg
So I could protect her physically and also learn a lot of cool stuff, I’m sure.
Do I even need to explain this one.
Target’s Hair Care Aisle
This is the most exciting aisle in Target aside from the candle aisle. I wouldn’t want to be handcuffed to the candle aisle because it is too smelly. In the hair care aisle I could fix my dead ends, dry shampoo my roots, and experiment with headbands.
A Reusable Water Bottle
It would remind me to stay hydrated. No man has EVER done that for me.
A Cute Dog
I would LOVE to be cuffed to a cute dog. Me and my babe, forever! Let’s walk and talk and cuddle, you speechless hairy baby! Only downside is possibly fleas/potty time.
The Kettle Corn Stand At A Farmer’s Market
Kettle corn is fucking amazing and it always smells so good over there.