Pop legend Sky Ferreira once said, “Everything is embarrassing,” and I couldn’t agree more. Everything is so embarrassing all the time, and frankly–I love to forget. God bless my brain for blacking out all the bad stuff I’ve done sober and drunk but also god damn my brain for remembering it at 10:03 p.m. when I’ve just smeared La Mer cream on my face and settled in to bed.
I’m trying to relax! Not trying to flashback to the time I splashed nail polish remover into my eye at Arielle Shamash’s 2nd grade sleepover party and her parents had to call my mom to come get me in case I had burned my eyeball out of its socket!
It’s always when my brain is at rest. I’m in the shower after a long day. I’m exfoliating. I’m using my rose scented bodywash. I’m deep conditioning. I’m having a great time. I am suddenly remembering how I used to IM my middle school crush when he was signed off, believing he would never get it–and professing my undying love. Why!! Is!! This!! Happening!! Now!!!
My brain at rest is a nightmare. She is so bored she is looking for scabs to pick on my temporal lobe. She wants to murder me! She hates that I’m calm!! She doesn’t want to think about lunch (she only wants to do that when I’m working) or what I should wear. She doesn’t want to meditate or focus on The Sopranos. No. Now that I’m cozy she wants to remind me about drunkenly throwing up on my lawn and also that time a girl was mean to me.
I can’t recall every time I’ve ever cried in public, but my brain does! And she wants to remind me. Isn’t it wild how this thing that tells me how and when to eat, speak, write, and breath, wants this for me???
She loves spiraling that messy mind of mine, starting with something small and graduating to bigger and more disgusting things. I may have just crawled in to bed to get some shut eye, but I’m getting 20-minute foreplay of wincing and anxiety.
One time I heard Pete Holmes say, “the mind is a terrible master but an excellent servant.” So I’m trying to get more in control. I’m trying to gently guide her away from damaging memories of dropping toddlers, farting in front of ex boyfriends, and green things in my teeth, by gently guiding her over to better things. What are 5 things that I enjoyed about today? Name 10 things I feel grateful for. What one thing would make me feel better right now? Has anything changed? What has become better?
But sometimes honestly, it’s a losing battle, and when it feels impossible I have a secret weapon. Ativan. It puts her right TF to sleep.
Night night, bitch.
Lately 