Starbucks: The Basics
You got super hyped about the latest Frappuccino drop and then super hyper from drinking one. You made sure to show off your square French-mani acrylics while you took a pic holding your drink extended in front of you, Uggs peaking out at the bottom of your scenic background. Your Facebook quote was something like “A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.” Your body spray was from Victoria’s Secret. You asked to borrow my American Apparel purple zip-up hoodie during cheer practice and “lost” it but I saw you wearing it in one of your Facebook mall albums.
Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf: Forever 21 Indie Girls
You would call your style “boho” and you claim to be vegan even though I saw you eating BBQ chicken pizza from the cafeteria when you told everyone you were super-hormonal from your period. “I love MGMT!” You wear headbands around your forehead and a lot of loose-woven long cardigans and knits. “I wish I could buy everything at Urban.” You think you’re cooler than “The Basics” because you’ve smoked weed once. You order extra whipped cream on your blended drink just like they do.
Pete’s Coffee: The Real Nerds
You get coffee with your mom when she gets coffee her on her way to take you to Sylvan Learning Center. You don’t actually get coffee because you don’t like the way it tastes. How’s that dry-ass scone? Don’t forget to clean out your retainer!
La Colombe: Theatre Nerds
You have a crush on the lead of every school musical. He’ll turn out to be gay and you’ll claim you knew it all along but you probably didn’t. You started drinking your coffee black because it seemed artsy and then you realized that tasted nasty and started getting into La Colombe’s draft lattes. You claim to never sleep. You wrote the words to some song from Rent or Sweeney Todd or whatever the hell musical was popular in 2009 all over your binder. You’re late to rehearsal. You can’t hang out because you have rehearsal.
Blue Bottle Coffee: Yearbook
You’re on the Yearbook team AND you’re ASB President AND you’re on debate or like some other club that will look great on college apps. You really only hang out with other people in Yearbook who are exactly like you. You’re uncomfortably close to one or two teachers and you don’t think it’s weird at all! You have a camera on you at all times and you genuinely have school spirit. You are the most well-caffeinated person I know. It’s terrifying.
Intelligentsia: The Hipsters/Loners/Floaters
You don’t know their friends. They “go to another school.” Somehow this group never bands together, they prefer to be alone doing their own thing, but occasionally they will overlap. They got Instagram before you did. They applied to art schools you’ve never heard of on the other side of the country. Their coffee choice is usually something respectable and not too high maintenance. They’re not cool, but they’re not NOT cool? They’ll find their people in college.
Dunkin’: The Jocks
You get a massive coffee to wake you up for practice along with some sort of egg sandwich and a doughnut. It’s like 4 a.m. or something. After practice you get a massive iced coffee and you’ll drink it and then dump out the ice and fill your cup with water from a water fountain and drink it all day. If you’re a guy you’re trying to be “swole” if you’re a girl you don’t say shit like that you’re just trying to get in to ASU on a volleyball scholarship.
McDonald’s: Burnouts & Stoners
I 100% have a crush on you. You cut class, I don’t think you’ve ever done homework, and you smoke weed in your car during lunch. You’re in a band and I’m friends with your sister and when I come over you’re always wearing a white tank undershirt and your boxers. Other people think you’re either super cool or a total waste of time. You don’t care what your coffee tastes like. You don’t care about anything. I am swooning rn
Pret A Manger: Foreign Exchange Students
No one knows why you came to our school and you had some caché being from over seas but now the glamour has worn off and we don’t get you at all!!! You’re mean to everyone. You say everything is better in Belgium where you’re from, especially the coffee. You hate it here but you make friends with all the jocks who think you’re hilarious. Somehow you are homecoming king.