Saying Sorry

Everything is different this year, including my apologies. Yom Kippur begins this weekend and I have been taking stock of what doesn’t sit right with me. Last year, I sought to forgive myself for the way I was mistreating me. This year (in my eyes) is less about the push and pull of asking for forgiveness and granting it. It’s about apologizing and expecting no forgiveness at all.

First and foremost, I would like to apologize to Breonna Taylor. An entire country — YOUR country — failed you. I am so deeply sorry that you have continually been denied justice and for the meme-ification of your murder and your life. You are more than a hashtag and the products and magazine covers made to capitalize off of your existence as a Black woman. The treatment of your memory is abhorrent. “Sorry” could never be enough. What has been done to you is unforgivable. All I can offer is my words and my actions. Your life mattered.

I deeply hate and am disgusted by the treatment of the Black community by police in the United States. I am naming Breonna, but there have been many other Black people — who all matter — who still have not received justice. I am dedicating 5781 (the Jewish new year) to education and action.

I am sorry to all the kids who were excited about their first year of kindergarten, middle school, high school and college. I am sorry to everyone entering their last year of those things. It’s such a shitty time to begin or to end anything. I am so sorry you were robbed of your excitement and had to adapt to this weird non-way of living life. It sucks so much.

If you were planning to get married this year or go on your honeymoon or had a big family trip planned, I’m sorry you had to hold off. This isn’t our year, is it?

I am really sorry to anyone who got sick with coronavirus. The people in charge grossly mishandled all of it. I have come to accept that our country could have done so many more things right and chose not to. I am so sorry to anyone who had to suffer or is currently suffering because they couldn’t/can’t get the medical care that they need. It’s embarrassing on so many levels.

I am sorry to the summer I thought I was going to have. I am sorry to my friends who I haven’t seen in months. Please know that I miss you every single day. I am sorry to Chicago, to Andrew, to my aunt and my uncle. My parents. My grandma. Mary. I apologize to the nights out I missed. The restaurants that closed that I wanted to try. To my therapist for calling her 18000000 times. To my eyes for only ever taking in my computer screen. To California for its fires. For things that aren’t my fault and for everything that is. To Chelsea, to Tori, to Julia to Amanda. To Mijal. To Dan.

I read something somewhere once about some years being the ones where you plant the seeds and the next years being the ones where you watch it all grow. I am really hoping to see something good bloom eventually.

Love you all

LL

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s