On Mental Health

Hello, and what the fuck is going on.

What is transitioning back to “regular/real life (??)”

And do I even want it???

I am not speaking for the collective we, because I know some people did fuck all during the pandemic to “slow the spread” (I fully expect to see my future fifth grade child make some awful history unit diorama on the 2020 pandemic with a little clay man holding a sign that says this).

I am just speaking for me.

I spent over a year inside. I spent almost 400 days seeing the same 4 people (with tiny treats seeing anyone else and I was BEYOND privileged to get to do that). I binge-watched every episode of The Crown, plowed my way through Michael Douglas and Al Pacino’s oeuvres, cooked fancy meals, defrosted tater tots, stopped eating, worked five days a week while mass chaos ensued, called my therapist, went for long walks around the neighborhood, had family die, continued to do every day that wasn’t Sunday, drifted apart from friends, stopped working, called my Grandma more than I ever have in my life, went further into debt than I ever have in my life, still had to work, learned how to give myself a fucking fantastic manicure, gave up on laundry, filled my apartment with plants, acted as a therapist to my parents, got in fights with my sister, drove down PCH blasting showtunes with my boyfriend and convinced and unconvinced myself that I should get a dog like 15 different times.

And now, New York is back, baby!

Or so I’ve heard.

I don’t fucking live there.

But over here in LA life is resuming too. People are going into the office. Or at the very least, going to indoor malls. We’re seeing our friends again. We are going to bars. Some of us are finally going on vacation and posting bikini pics WITHOUT a caption to justify the action!

So why does the whole thing kind of feel like shit?

I’m delighted that I get to see more of my friends again. I can actually go see my grandma and worry less that I am going to kill her! I’ve started taking pilates classes (with a mask on) and on June 15 the mask is coming off.

But a lot of things look and feel different to me and it’s making me fucking uncomfortable to pretend that I am eager to enjoy them.

I’m scared, dude!!!!

I grieved my 2019 existence for over a year. What am I supposed to do now? Dig it up out of its grave and dust it off? That version of me died and didn’t get a funeral (like my step Grandma!) and I’ve been struggling to make up for the loss.

I had a social life and now I’m at square one. I was having fun and now I’m at square one. I felt secure with what I wanted my life to look like and now I’m at square one.

It doesn’t help that this shit started when I was 26 and now I am going to be 28.

The only good thing about being 27 was that I survived.

But I also don’t have the same wants that I did when I was 26 (naturally). However, I also don’t have the same wants that I did when it seemed like the 5 second rule applied to dropping food on a table.

Now it’s like, how the fuck did I ever eat food that I dropped on a public table that hadn’t been cleaned?? That other people sneezed on or wiped their ass on (idk what people do, I’m just saying)???

Like what the fuck, who was that and why did she not fear for her life then???

Someone hit the play button on the world (LOL just the U.S.) and it’s all so loud and fast.

I feel 10000000 steps behind and at this point I can’t tell if I want to try to keep up or just quit.

I’d start a new life and move to the desert but I don’t think the man I live with and love very much would appreciate that.

This was traumatic. 2020 through now. The world has PTSD. Why are we just moving forward and not dealing with it?

Logically, I know I have the choice to opt out. I could sit at home and do more therapy and see people in little bits and work my way up to something sort of like comfortability.

But life will blast past me.

I will feel even more steps behind.

I could throw up.

I don’t even know really why I am writing this. I guess to see if anyone else feels this way? If anyone wants to talk about it? Just so someone knows that they are not alone. Including me.

If you spent the pandemic doing everything that you could and it fucked your mental health and now you feel painfully emotionally slow while everyone is blasting past you to enjoy life and you feel like you can’t or don’t….I am right here with you.

2021 doesn’t have to be a botch if we treat ourselves right. We just have to figure out what that means. And I won’t make any more depressing posts. I swear. (Maybe.)

Hopefully we can add some cham to all our pain….

like champagne

get it?

that was stupid.

Anyway

see you on the bull at Saddle Ranch!

x

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