Amanda Bynes Is Back, You Guys!!

And we’re so fucking excited.

Though it’s been a while since we’ve seen or heard anything about Ms. Bynes, she’s taking over the internet once again. But instead of the usual shit post about her appearance or her mental health, Bynes is taking over her own narrative by gracing the cover of Paper Magazine and let me tell you, she looks and sounds fucking GOOD.

The talented actress turned fashion student looks nothing short of glam in her plaid blazer, silk shirt, and acid washed jeans? Are those? We spy an intense Western wear-inspired belt buckle too which we LOVVVEEE. Also look at the hair! The face! The makeup! Honey, we have come such a long way from 2013!

What we learned from the Paper Mag piece is that Bynes is into Post Malone (same), HBO’s Insecure (wow, also same), basically started Channing Tatum’s acting career, dreams of having her own fashion line (and has already designed some original pieces!!), wants to re-enter showbiz, and that she is genuinely excited for the future and feeling good–which is honestly the only thing that matters.

What really made us tear up was this part righttttt here:

Sometimes society confuses agreeableness or niceness with blandness or, even worse, weakness — especially when it’s a trait exhibited by a young woman — but make no mistake: Bynes is neither bland nor weak. She’s a woman who still possesses that same expressive sense of humor that first won over producers for All That as well as a type of thoughtfulness and self-awareness that comes with age — and gets amplified when you’ve had to navigate some dark waters.

That’s our fucking, gIRL RIGHT THERE!!!

We can’t wait to see everything Amanda will do in 2019. If you don’t plan on celebrating her return, leave! Good vibes only! BYE!

Now bring in the dancin’ lobstas!!!!

 

Don’t Smile Because It’s Over, Cry Because It Happened: Remembering Literally Anything

Pop legend Sky Ferreira once said, “Everything is embarrassing,” and I couldn’t agree more. Everything is so embarrassing all the time, and frankly–I love to forget. God bless my brain for blacking out all the bad stuff I’ve done sober and drunk but also god damn my brain for remembering it at 10:03 p.m. when I’ve just smeared La Mer cream on my face and settled in to bed.

I’m trying to relax! Not trying to flashback to the time I splashed nail polish remover into my eye at Arielle Shamash’s 2nd grade sleepover party and her parents had to call my mom to come get me in case I had burned my eyeball out of its socket!

It’s always when my brain is at rest. I’m in the shower after a long day. I’m exfoliating. I’m using my rose scented bodywash. I’m deep conditioning. I’m having a great time. I am suddenly remembering how I used to IM my middle school crush when he was signed off, believing he would never get it–and professing my undying love. Why!! Is!! This!! Happening!! Now!!!

My brain at rest is a nightmare. She is so bored she is looking for scabs to pick on my temporal lobe. She wants to murder me! She hates that I’m calm!! She doesn’t want to think about lunch (she only wants to do that when I’m working) or what I should wear. She doesn’t want to meditate or focus on The Sopranos. No. Now that I’m cozy she wants to remind me about drunkenly throwing up on my lawn and also that time a girl was mean to me.

I can’t recall every time I’ve ever cried in public, but my brain does! And she wants to remind me. Isn’t it wild how this thing that tells me how and when to eat, speak, write, and breath, wants this for me???

She loves spiraling that messy mind of mine, starting with something small and graduating to bigger and more disgusting things. I may have just crawled in to bed to get some shut eye, but I’m getting 20-minute foreplay of wincing and anxiety.

One time I heard Pete Holmes say, “the mind is a terrible master but an excellent servant.” So I’m trying to get more in control. I’m trying to gently guide her away from damaging memories of dropping toddlers, farting in front of ex boyfriends, and green things in my teeth, by gently guiding her over to better things. What are 5 things that I enjoyed about today? Name 10 things I feel grateful for. What one thing would make me feel better right now? Has anything changed? What has become better?

But sometimes honestly, it’s a losing battle, and when it feels impossible I have a secret weapon. Ativan. It puts her right TF to sleep.

Night night, bitch.

 

Six Non-Obvious Things To Be Thankful For

We’ve got a lot of shit to be thankful for, like family, friends, our health, our homes, and of course our readers (we love you). Despite our hardships, we know that we’re extremely fortunate to have what we have. And tomorrow when we sit around a Thanksgiving table and reflect on what exactly we feel grateful for, the aforementioned things are definitely towards the top of the list. But we thought it was equally as important to shoutout some of the non-obvious things that we are so goddamn lucky to have in our lives. Let’s raise a glass of whatever you’ve got on hand to this incomplete and unranked list of unsung heroes!

  • The next phase of Ariana Grande’s artistry
  • Hot people who haven’t been born yet
  • The record number of women heading to Congress!
  • New holiday shit dropping from Fenty Beauty
  • Meghan Markle’s teenage photo in front of Buckingham Palace
  • Fermented foods going mainstream

I Can’t Stop Thinking About These UGG Slippers

It has been yeaaars since I owned a pair of UGGs. The last time I owned UGGs, their brand was limited to the classic shearling-lined boots and came in only three colors. This was before they offered a plethora of silhouettes and a color assortment that spans a 64 pack of crayons. Before Tom Brady made millions of bros hop on the UGG bandwagon.

It was a simpler time. I wore my short classic chestnut UGGs every day from October through March of my sophomore year of high school and my tall classic black UGGs every day for the fall/winter of my junior year. Everyone in US Weekly was wearing them, all the reality stars of the mid to late 00s owned multiple pairs, and before we knew it, UGG boots trickled all the way down to suburban American high schools.

By the time I headed off to college, I was wearing my boots less and less, reserving them typically for the days when I was too tired and lazy to put together a real outfit. They just seemed so basic. And ugly, which was painful to admit because for years all loyal UGG wearers had to suffer through older adults and annoying oafs saying “Do you know that the name UGG is short for ugly?!”

UGGs hadn’t even blipped on my sartorial radar until this year when I saw a number of Instagram influencers unboxing UGGs – but not just any UGGs. It was the aptly named FLUFF YEAH sandal – part sophisticated slingback, part fluffy slide (made famous by Rihanna’s FENTY Puma line), and part what unholy thing is this.

They make almost zero sense but that only increases their appeal to me. As a millennial woman, I am genetically predisposed to have an affinity for inappropriately fluffy things, as well as illogical footwear. I am weak to its power. The only thing stopping me from getting a pair is that I can’t decide which color I want. I don’t care that they make about as much sense as a paper bag for a raincoat. The heart wants what it wants!

 

The Zodiac Signs as Thanksgiving Side Dishes

Aries

Aries, you’re a dynamic babe, just like these butternut squashes with maple tahini sauce. The earthiness of butternut squash, combined with the sweet yet tangy surprise of maple tahini, is the perfect metaphor for you – it’s lively, adventurous, and a little bit of a risk but fuck it, it’s Thanksgiving!

Taurus

Roasted potatoes are hardly exciting but they more than make up for it by providing so much comfort and warmth, just like a Taurus. Potatoes are so reliable that even a novice cook attempting to impress their new boyfriend can’t fail with roasted potato! Sure, the turkey might be too dry or the stuffing ends up tasting like cardboard, but these good old down-to-earth beauties will stand the test of time!

Gemini

Little Gem, no one is thinking that you’ll bring a dish that is remotely traditional or expected. You’re straight up serving parsnip confit with pickled currants. We know you love a mix of high and lowbrow! After you’ve had your fill of parsnips and currants, you’ll kick back and soak up the confused looks and taste-test bites around you. Pfft, these people just don’t appreciate the culinary artistry before them!

Cancer

Sweetest crab! Thanksgiving is basically like the Olympics for homebodies so you’ve already got a leg up on the competition! While other people were partying on Thanksgiving Eve and wasting their November weekends with sports and outdoor fall things, you were at home studying up on recipes and hosting tips, and even made a diorama of the REAL first Thanksgiving. So naturally, your side dish is perfectly made stuffing – the piece de resistance, the side to end all sides, one side to rule them all!

Leo

Leo, let’s cut to the chase. You’re born to be the host of a massive Thanksgiving – you just want to spoil all your friends but also have the ability to maintain control over the entire meal while all eyes are on you when you reveal the turkey. In the event that you’re not fulfilling your hosting dreams this Thanksgiving, you’ll still be giving the people something that they didn’t even know that they wanted – perfectly roasted carrots that resemble those from the dinner scene in Mrs. Doubtfire. This little nostalgic dish will solidify you as life of the Thanksgiving party.

Virgo

Sweet Virgo, you’ve been practicing your side dish for the past two weeks, haven’t you? All those hours of work, research, and fussing will have paid off on Thanksgiving day when you arrive with an exquisite pumpkin pie. Just remember – you are truly your own (and everyone else’s) biggest critic. Eat your pie and be happy!

Libra

When a Libra doesn’t like a dish at Thanksgiving, they try to hide their uneaten food in the trash by covering it up with other plates and napkins. You’re certainly not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings but once they step out of the room, that’s a different story for Aunt Claire and her salty stuffing. So a Libra’s best strategy is to win over the crowd with a fan favorite mac and cheese. No one can hate mac and cheese! It’s a genius plan!

Scorpio

Warm and cozy isn’t really your vibe, little Scorpion. While everyone else is already feeling full and sleepy from the appetizers, you’re ready to bring a little mischief to Thanksgiving. After all, you’ve got to make this evening entertaining for yourself. Your first plan was deviled eggs because well you’re also a little devilish yourself but then you thought, no, dream bigger darling. And voila! Mulled wine!

Sagittarius

Sag, don’t forget Thanksgiving is coming up! We know that at a moment’s notice, you could be jetting off to the Iberian Peninsula for the holiday but just in case you can make it after all, you’ll bring along something inspired by one of your many excursions, like this sweet potato and meringue dish based on a classic Mexican dessert.

Capricorn

No one is more trusted with the cranberry sauce than a Capricorn. Oh sure, it seems like a simple thing to make but this dish requires precision and a serious, steady hand aka this is a job for a Cap. Who else has the temperament to babysit a slow simmering sauce waiting for sugar to dissolve but not burn?

Aquarius

An Aquarius can be found on Thanksgiving in their natural habitat – telling everyone that they will only come to dinner as long as everyone going acknowledges that the story of the first Thanksgiving is a lie. Also, please let’s make sure to preserve all leftovers so we diminish food waste! Now that everyone is in agreement, Aquarius will bring an untraditional take on the apple pie – a buttery, flaky, and glazed apple galette tart. Take that, fake first Thanksgiving!

Pisces

Oh darling Pisces, before you go getting yourself all weepy by thinking that your Thanksgiving party looks just like a Norman Rockwell painting, don’t forget to share your dish with all of your friends! It’s a little whimsical and a tad eccentric – just like you! Don’t get your feelings hurt if they tell you this isn’t a traditional Thanksgiving side – some people just don’t have any imagination!

I Am Incredibly Passionate About Trader Joe’s Organic Jasmine Rice

My grandmother gave me a rice cooker for my birthday (or maybe it was Christmas, I don’t remember. Sorry, Grandma). I wanted to make perfectly fluffy, a little bit sticky, definitely delicious, white rice.

I grew up in a home where rice was made on the stove in a pot with water. It was always either a little too hard or a little too soft, and if I made it it was definitely burned.

The rice cooker helped some. I still somehow always burned the bottom layer, making a crunchy rice shell that I would peel and eat (not as disgusting as it sounds, I promise).  The rice was better if I made it with chicken stock as opposed to water–a tip I learned from the wife of a friend of my father’s over lunch at Nobu.

BUT IT WAS NEVER FUCKING RIGHT AND NEVER EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED AND I WANTED PERFECTLY FLUFFY AND DELICIOUS WHITE RICE,DAMNIT.

Enter Trader Joe’s.

One day I ate my sister’s leftover rice in our refrigerator. It was sitting there in a tupperware, and I microwaved it. “This is some restaurant-quality fucking rice!” I thought to myself as I shoveled spoonfuls down my gullet before she came home from work. “I’ll have to ask her where she got it!”

Aside from being annoyed that I had consumed her food, my sister told me that the rice was actually from Trader Joe’s. “Like, is it pre-made?” I asked. “Like, did you get it in a little container or something? Do they have a hot bar now?”

“No!” She told me. “It’s frozen!”

Pardon????

So basically, this beautiful delicious rice that tastes just as good leftover as it does the day you make it, comes in a 3-pack at Trader Joe’s. The box reads “Microwave perfect in 3 minutes” and they are not lying. This rice has been perfect every single damn time I have ever made it. It’s lightly sticky but still fluffy, it’s never burned (make it in 3 minutes exactly), it’s never too hard or too watery or too soft.

According to TJ’s it’s “Grown in the valleys of Northern Thailand on farms with fertile soil and natural rain water. This rice is a premium, organic product grown with intensive care.”

I don’t care if this rice is from the Thai restaurant down the street, it’s really stinkin’ good and one pouch is enough to feed two people if you’re pairing it with a vegetables, a meat, or a soup. Trader Joe’s also offers a brown rice but it’s nasty because it’s brown rice and I hate it. There is also a wild rice variety that I also find gross! But this white rice is….divine. Simply divine.

I’ve had it alone, alone with butter, with Asian cucumber salad, with chicken, with curry, with red pepper soup, with beans, as part of a burrito bowl, and I would probably eat it any way that it was served to me because I am devoted to TJ’S white rice now!

I’m going to need you not to be a skeptic right now. This microwaved rice is life changing–especially if you suck at making rice for yourself. Seriously, in college I would walk to the Walgreens on Clark and Diversey (Chi till I die bb) and pick up their pre-made rice that I would microwave and cry about because it was terrible.

This rice is wonderful.

And it’s from Trader Joe’s so it’s budget-friendly and it’s a 3-pack so that’s actually like a few different meals you can make.

Have I converted you yet?

10 Things I Would Rather Be Cuffed To Than A Relationship This Cuffing Season

It’s cuffing season!!! Time to cuff yourself to a person who can be your significant other until summer when you recklessly abandon them for a slew of summer flings. Or not. Cuffing season is kind of stupid. Why do you need someone because baby it’s cold outside? Answer: BABY YA DON’T.

I can think of 10 things I would rather be cuffed to than a person my family will interrogate me about all Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine’s Day, long. It sounds so much more interesting to have to explain why I am chained to this Kettle Corn stand than to have to re-tell the story of how Joshua and I met on an app to my 87-year-old second cousin Ruth.

My Bathtub

Sounds amazing, tbh.

My Bed

Again, sounds incredible.

A Really Good Sushi Restaurant

After all of my money is gone from eating sushi, I would start an unlikely friendship with one of the sushi chefs who is actually experimenting with the menu and she would toss me some of her creations for me to try and give my opinion on. Yes, there would be some clunkers, but I’m sure most of it would be pretty good. This is a really good sushi restaurant after all. Plus, new friend. Yay!

A Mug of Tea

It’s not like a magical one or anything, I would have to replenish it. Could also come in handy if I need to beat off an attacker or throw hot liquid in someone’s face.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg

So I could protect her physically and also learn a lot of cool stuff, I’m sure.

Rihanna

Do I even need to explain this one.

Target’s Hair Care Aisle

This is the most exciting aisle in Target aside from the candle aisle. I wouldn’t want to be handcuffed to the candle aisle because it is too smelly. In the hair care aisle I could fix my dead ends, dry shampoo my roots, and experiment with headbands.

A Reusable Water Bottle

It would remind me to stay hydrated. No man has EVER done that for me.

A Cute Dog

I would LOVE to be cuffed to a cute dog. Me and my babe, forever! Let’s walk and talk and cuddle, you speechless hairy baby! Only downside is possibly fleas/potty time.

The Kettle Corn Stand At A Farmer’s Market

Kettle corn is fucking amazing and it always smells so good over there.