I Can’t Stop Thinking About This $250 At-Home Squat Machine

I’ll just be forthright with you all – I’m not exactly an active person. I’m essentially an overgrown indoors kid. Bookish type who would have thrived in the era of fainting couches is really the vibe I give off.

Over the past few years though, I have had various stages and spurts of being INTO exercise/fitness culture. In 2015, the workout app SworkIt was my go-to thing for at-home “strength training”. I even bought some 5 and 8 pound dumbbells from Amazon! Summer 2016 was when I took up running every day and could actually run an 7.5 minute mile. It was also the summer that I ended a 3 year long relationship, moved out the apartment we shared, lived with my mom, and got laid off all in the same month. You could I was trying to run away from my problems like a cliched metaphor come to life.

In 2017, I moved into a new apartment and started going “out” on a regular basis for the first time since college. I went through a phase of going to small clubs in Cambridge and dancing until my t-shirt would cling to my back with sweat. I also finally started dating again and went through the anxiety-ridden yet fun process of falling in love, which meant I was often too overcome with emotions to even remember eating. As a result, I was the thinnest that I had ever been in my adult life but wasn’t actually fit or strong.

My lack of strength really came to a head in 2018 when I struggled to open a heavy glass door in front of my coworkers. The next day I joined the expensive boxing gym across the street from my office. That’s right – I had been less than 30 feet away from achieving some level of Physical Fitness for over a year and it took an embarrassing glass door incident to get me into the gym. Shameful, I know.

The thing with a boxing gym is that the vibes are extremely intense. The gym was called Everybody Fights, for Christ’s sake. Music blared all the time and the trainers showed little mercy for my frail ass. There was one time though, when I was trying to swing a kettlebell and the trainer stopped me to give me an inflatable kettlebell. She couldn’t stand idly by watching me struggle so she subbed out the real weight with what essentially was a dodgeball with a handle attached. I never really recovered from the Kettlebell Incident and very quickly lost the motivation to go to the gym.

But now that 2019 has arrived, I’m feeling somewhat determined to get into fitness yet again! And while I probably should start small with a few classes before I go committing to something else intense or expensive that will most likely be short-lived, I’ve already found my new obsession: The DB Method Machine.

I won’t even try to sweet talk my way through this – it’s an at-home squat machine, or as the DB Method describes it, “the ultimate lower body strength and toning machine designed exclusively for the butt.” Its sole purpose is to help you do perfect squats. It costs $229 (plus $20 shipping) and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since two Instagram influencers I follow storied themselves using it while in their underwear. You can even fold it away and store in your closet or under your bed.

Yes, it’s borderline ridiculous, like a Shake Weight for your ass, but I can’t help but love it the idea of it. It almost looks fun! Like it would take the grueling and hard part out of exercising, which really appeals to my sloth girl vibe. I could finally watch all of Call the Midwife while toning and firming my butt! Sure, there is zero cardiovascular element involved and it won’t even tone my arms but my lower body will be out of control hot!

So should I buy it? Don’t all scream YES at once!

Monday Link Pack

How are you? How are your New Year’s resolutions going? I’ve already thrown out soooooo many socks and am now left with crazy holiday ones so I am on the hunt for the nice respectable kind. I am thinking either these or these.

As it is the beginning of our first actual week back at work, I have put together a link pack of cool shit on the internet to help you survive either the next ten minutes or all the way until Friday.

I fucking love Melissa McCarthy!! (P.s. the ham sandwiches from Joan’s On Third are divine)

What do you think a paleo, vegan, gluten-free bagel tastes like?

The Curvy Wife guy wrote the BEST Instagram caption–no, seriously!

Aritzia is having a massive sale and I just bought the cutest skirt from it

SEASON 4 CATASTROPHE TRAILER IS HERE

I made this Now & Again chili recipe from Julia Turshen and it was a huge hit! If you don’t have her book you can see the recipe HERE

I plan on making this furikake Chex Mix snack at some point

All I want are these clogs 

My mom DMed me this

I am obsessed with this tattoo artist’s Instagram 

Also, strongly considering purchasing some PamWear

Over Easy is my favorite column on the internet

Mrs. Maisel is hosting SNL and the musical guest is Greta Van Fleet LMAO what is this pairing!!!

Did Chrissy Metz call Allison Brie a bitch on the red carpet?

Come on guys….was this on purpose?

This is my favorite mask ever ever and it makes me so happy!

I tried one of the redness reducing products on this list and am currently loving it

Trying out this Chicago restaurant over the weekend

Just cuz

 

January Horoscopes

Aries

It’s the New Year and you’re highkicking into 2019 like the confident and cute ram that you are! You always feel enthusiastic and energetic for new beginnings because you jump at any chance to lead a new project or spearhead some initiative. You know that long list of goals in your Notes app? Prioritize and then put them in action! January is the best time for you to harness that intense ambitious streak of yours and make some big career advancements. Whatever you do, do it with boldness, babe!

Taurus

Oh sweet seeker of stability, you were feeling so well-rested and peaceful from the holidays and now that the reality of January has hit, you’re feeling like someone cruelly yanked your beloved blanket off your bed. Fear not though, there’s still plenty of warmth to find in others outside of your own fortress. A break from your routine brings new levels of intimacy from those who have been missing you and need your help. It feels good to be needed, doesn’t it? Almost like an IRL version of a cozy bed! There are so many people who seek a connection with you. Just remember that.

Gemini

At last! 2018 is over and you couldn’t be fucking happier. Last year was challenging to say the least but all of the drama is behind you now. A new year has arrived and you’re feeling light, bright, airy, and optimistic! Time to take 2019 and make it into everything that 2018 wasn’t. Channel this vibe and get all of the boring bullshit like taxes, bills, making doctor’s appointments, going to the dry cleaner, out of the way early so you can concentrate on fun and growth and freedom for the rest of the year!

Cancer

All you have to do to thrive in 2019 is protect your heart. At all costs. Cancers are not playing around this year with their most precious currency aka emotions. This will come in the form of not letting people be reckless with your feelings but also checking your own recklessness and how you react to things. January is the optimal time to set an intention to be more aware of how your reactions can be catalysts of change. Set another intention to not spiral out. Pay close attention to how both of these intention work in tandem and revel in the harmony that they bring to your life.

Leo

2019 is going to be your rebirth year, Leo love. You felt a bit held back and confined last year, and at times a little aimless too. That’s not like you. You’ve got so much drive but without a clear goal in mind, that roaring fire inside you will peter out. January is the month to set a dream in place and create your roadmap that will take you there. Make sure you clue in your close friends and confidantes because hey, what’s the fun in achieving your goal if your cheerleaders can’t celebrate with you? They’ll also help to keep you motivated and give you the applause that you love to lap up!

Virgo

New year, new beginnings! Aka the mantra that Virgos across the world have embodied since the stroke of 1/1/19. In terms of love, 2018 saw more lows than highs, both in terms of your relationships and the love that you felt for yourself. You may feel anxious to rush along any new blossoms of romance but you would only be doing yourself a disservice by trying to make anything too rigid or defined just yet. 2019 holds a lot of self-discovery for you. You’ve always been proud of your strong sense of self but it doesn’t hurt to question what you know from time to time, even if that means questioning the things you believe to be true about yourself.

Libra

A new year is a perfect time to evaluate what you want to bring into your future and what you can thank and leave behind in the past. Two big areas of your focus this month are relationships and work. In both arenas, it might feel like you’re putting in all of the effort and getting nothing but grief in return. And nothing make a Libra feel more out of sorts than an imbalance! The peacemaker in you wants reconciliation on both fronts but that might not be possible. If you’re already prepared yourself to feel let down, you already have you answer. No matter what happens, never forget that you’re worthy and ready for so much more.

Scorpio

You wouldn’t be a Scorpio if you didn’t already have an intense obsession with your 2019 goals. We’re only a few days into the new year but you’re already scheming away and hatching plans to make all of your fantasies into realities. This new motivation will have you exuding confidence and positivity that spills over into your relationships and fills in the areas that you used to be uncertain about. Don’t forget my silly scorpion, positivity and confidence are powerful traits of attraction. Those closest to you may feel even more drawn to you now. You have been warned.

Sagittarius

You’ve likely been telling yourself that this is the year that you grow up, get serious, blossom into a high-functioning adult. Guess what. I believe in you. We all do. You already have some of the most important things you need to make 2019 a success: your imagination and intuition. Now all you need is some commitment! I know, it’s a sore subject for you but it’s a skill that you can practice. It’s going to be a slow process, another dreaded fear of yours, but overcoming our fears puts you on the fast track to achieving so much more. Do I have your attention now, my flighty foal?

Capricorn

2019 is here and Caps are embracing it by filling out their calendars for the first three months of the year. You’re a planner at heart and you’ve likely already had your goals and resolutions cemented since September 2018. Top of the list for you: be heard. You have a lot that you want to share with the world and finding your voice will be a big part of your year. This will translate in an enormous way for your professional growth so don’t be afraid to speak out more often. Influential people will definitely notice.

Aquarius

Let’s be blunt, 2018 was all over the fucking map for you. If we’re being really honest, it almost feels like you’ve been in a rut for two years, which means you’re always pining for the future, wishing yourself out of the present and into a place, any place, where you feel good. Guess what. The future is here. Time to open yourself to everything that is in the now. Open yourself all the way up. To friends, new acquaintances, experiences. It’s all waiting for you! It has been this whole time.

Pisces

You’re more than ready to make positivity and security the themes of your year. Keeping these two things at the forefront of your mind means that you’ll want to pay more attention to the things and people outside of your fishbowl aka inner emotional world. You’ll find yourself exploring paths from the past, because that’s what your goal of security will inspire you to do. Just prepare yourself for the possibility that the past’s perceived security doesn’t align with your wish for positivity.

 

Lately’s New Year’s Resolutions

This year I will:

Lily

Cook all the recipes on my computer saved as bookmarks

Actually update my computer when it tells me to

Get rid of the socks in my sock drawer from middle school

Buy nice socks

Frame my art pieces

Visit (at least) 5 new states

Go hot air ballooning

Get clogs

Potentially visit Australia (not a hard and fast resolution)

Wear more glitter

Try new cheeses

Actually say “no tomato” when I order things I don’t want tomato on

Freelance for 7 different publications (can not be repeats from 2018)

Live my best 2019 life and refuse to fall down the hole of that 2018 disaster scenario ever again

Stop texting my ex

 

Kate

Finally commit to a morning routine

Finally read all of the books that I bought in 2018 and never opened

Travel to 3 new countries

Learn how to use my InstantPot

Say no to things and people that don’t serve me

Learn how to curl my hair

Reduce my plastic usage

Be more patient

Write more for pleasure

See more art

Learn Italian

Work on my passion projects with more fucking passion, work hard to achieve all of the dreams that I have

Prove some fucking people wrong

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas Makes Me Sick

Hello! How have you been? We’ve missed you.

It’s the day before Christmas (8:15 AM) and I am sitting in an empty bathtub, working, while my family peacefully snoozes in the other room. I have a cold, which by now is de rigueur for the holiday.

I’ve had a cold at Christmas as far back as I can remember. I’ve worn those yellow mouth and nose masks around dying elderly family members, I’ve NyQuil sweated my way through elaborate Christmas dinners, and I’ve used a fuck ton of tissues.

I’ve had Christmases in San Francisco, Los Angeles, Paris, and London and I’ve always had a cold for all of them, always. I don’t think Santa brings it to me, I think Christmas just makes me sick.

I’m not a grinch! I don’t hate the Christmas season. In fact, I like it very much. The music is friendly, the foods are cozy and I especially enjoy giving my friends and family presents. Holiday baking is nice. Ugly sweaters are cool. I’m Jewish so Chanukah is in there somewhere. But come December 23, I fall ill.

Maybe I’m allergic to Christmas trees? Or elves? Or having a good time?

Could be from eating too many Gingerbread people.

But it might also be how much importance and family togetherness is stressed on this holy day of Jesus, commercialism, and consumerism, that it stresses me the fuck out. I love my family, but I think my body is rejecting them. I don’t just mean my parents and sibling. I think it’s the whole shebang. The whole extended mishpokhe (second shout out, Jews).

It’s the energies and personalities and problems of grandma and dead grandpa and ex-wives and aunts and uncles and cousins and family friends who all love me so much and who I love dearly, but who make my snotty head feel stuffed with cotton.

It’s not that they expect anything from me, but they do–we all do. it’s Christmas. It’s the most magical day of the year where everyone is happy for one perfect and pure day (which has never ever been anyone’s experience I think? Ever?)

You’re not supposed to get mad when your Grandma snarkily tells your mom you’ve been taking a lot of pills (aspirin and allergy btw!) or if your cousin wants to know if you’re seeing somebody. It’s Christmas so it’s not worth getting stressed that when you talk about your job it sounds like you’re going nowhere. We’re all together, so we can talk about who is dying of cancer, who has mental illness, Trump, or a really humiliating family story about when you were 13 that you told your Dad not to bring up ever again.

Alcohol doesn’t have any internal antiseptic properties that will cure your illness btw. I’ve tried. You’re just sick and drunk at the same time. Being drunk with a stuffy nose is worse than getting coal in your stocking just FYI.

You suffer and sweat and cough and sneeze through every Christmas occasion. You decline hugs and let others pile food onto your plate because god forbid you touch the serving spoon. Your mom takes you aside to complain and cry for the 29th time. No one can understand what your uncle is talking about. He’s not drunk, he’s just confusing. You and your sister get in a fight for no reason. Everyone gets mad at you for being on your phone.

And then it’s over.

It ends.

And miraculously, so does your cold.

Maybe it’s all in my head–but tell that to the 48 tissues that surround me in this bathtub.

I think for Christmas what I would really like is some alone time, peace of mind, and a cure for the common cold.

Oh, and Harry Styles.

Thanks Santa

xoxo

Imagine A World Like That

Never having to wear a bra

Free delivery every time

Bathtub water that doesn’t get cold

Boys text back in 2 seconds

A working government

A female president

Freelancers being paid on time and also a living wage

KISS ME AND TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES

IMMMAAGINE A WORLD LIKE THAT

IMAGIIIIIINE A WORLD LIKE THAT

(this could have been a tweet lol)

Cool Gifts For Your White Elephant Party

White Elephant, Yankee Swap, Dirty Santa – whatever the hell you want to call it, you’re bound to be heading to at least one gift exchange party. Whether it’s with your office, extended family, or local girl gang, there’s always an abundance of Starbucks gift cards, scratch tickets, bottles of wine, and seasonal chocolate boxes.

WHAT A SNOOZEFEST. The whole point of a gift exchange is that the gifts are so good, it erupts into all out brawl. After all, that’s what the holidays are all about, right? Consumerism gone crazy. Just kidding. It’s about making someone’s day a little brighter and putting a smile on their frostbitten, chapped lips!

Here’s our top picks for the best, non-obvious, and coolest gifts under $25 for your next White Elephant/Yankee Swap/Dirty Santa!

For pasta loving peeps

Why it’s cool: The tote of the year beloved by art girls and add in some gourmet fettuccine to eat for breakfast! What’s not to like?

 

fettuccinetote-2

For a crew working on their night cheese

Why it’s cool: First of all, it has the word “party” in it so that’s a done deal. Secondly, it’s like the sexier version of a cheese board, which is another boring gift. If I see more one slate and cheese knife set, I’ll slap someone. Did I mention that this little baddie melts formaggio in 40 seconds?!

Raclette

For a crowd that likes practical gifts

Why it’s cool: Yeah I know it’s a trash can but hear me out. Trash cans are normally such an eyesore but not these babies. They’re so sleek and modern, they’re more decor than dumpster. Trust me, people will be trying to swipe it as soon it’s unwrapped.

TrashCan

For a group that gets down with self care

Why it’s cool: Yeah, everyone and their mom knows about face rolling but do they know about gua sha? It’s like a face roller’s butch cousin and actually makes you concentrate more on the act of massaging your face, compared to a face roller which you can do mindlessly for hours.

Gua Sha

For the squad that said FUNNY GIFTS ONLY

Why it’s cool: Sometimes the gift exchanges that don’t take themselves so seriously are the most fun!

Au Revoir