You Really Need To See This: The Canadian Cat Show Documentary

Sometimes after scrolling through Netflix for twenty minutes while gobbling up all of our TV snacks, we stumble upon a documentary that is just so perplexing we have to click on it.

Frequently, it’s about a murder or a missing person or even a missing murderer but this time it was about something far less sinister but nevertheless equally as titillating.

Catwalk: Tales From The Cat Show Circuit does not have a Rotten Tomatoes score yet, but when it does I hope it receives a sold 100% because that is what it deserves.

I am not a cat person despite my sister owning a cat since I was about nine. She is away at college and the cat still lives here and he has IBS and I have to clean up his barf and poop and I don’t even like this cat, much less love it.  Having him around has really influenced my feelings on cats. However, this film has profoundly changed how I feel about cat documentaries!**

**I had never seen a cat documentary until now so really I had nothing to compare it too anyway and therefore held no opinion on the matter other than probably “yuck, cats”

The film takes place in Canada at various cat shows and mainly follows two competing cat owners, married cat show judges, and a handful of cat admirers.

Right away you discover that Kim, the owner of  Bobby the white cat who always gets second place has it out for Shirley, the owner of the forever first place winner, a red fluffy cat named Oh La La. Bobby has never bested Oh La La (pronounced oo la la ?) who looks like she has had her face smashed against a door but is admittedly–very fluffy and beautiful.

Kim and the judges extoll the virtues of Bobby who seems great but looks pretty much like a regular cat that you would see sitting in a window.

Kim is kind of the villain of this story. There are other contestants and cat breeders that you see, who genuinely love their cats and don’t care–especially this woman with a cat named Maestro who she says she doesn’t care if he wins or loses because he is “the most beautiful thing in the world.” But Kim is not this way. Kim is a pageant mom.

Cat shows are not like dog shows. The cats don’t run in a circle or jump or whatever it is that they do during dog shows idk. It really seems to be all about how the cat looks. Again, Bobby looks fine but Bobby is no match for Oh La La and her feather duster/dust bunny looks. Kim seems to take this incredibly personally. “If you’re not number one, you’re the first loser!” she says in one part….to her cat or to herself? Who can say.

I’m pretty sure Kim also makes reference to Shirley (who just seems like a nice older lady with a hobby) and Shirley’s cat receiving bodily harm at some point? Kim is horribly bitter that Bobby has NEVER won!!! NEVER!! And like all villains, the root moment that inspired her towards vengeance is revealed in the documentary. And let me tell you, it does not disappoint. I will not ruin the film. All I will say is, if you’re a sympathetic puker….fast forward. It was not a good look for Bobby lol.

Yes, there are some adorable kittens. Yes, all of the women have cat hair clinging to every stitch of their clothing. We learn that not only is Kim desperate for Bobby to win, Kim is also insanely passionate about scuba diving, teaches scuba classes, and wants to retire to Mexico! We stan a queen with a full life! One of the judges also loves to garden. These women have lives beyond their 6 cats!

Overall, the doc is super comforting. It’s just about cats chillin’ while their human owners pet them.

I’m not going to say it made me like cats, but I will say it made me want to hold a baby kitten the entire time I was watching this show. It also made me want to encourage Kim to pursue her scuba dreams because they seem to honestly make her feel more free than the cat show world ever could!

Anyway, this documentary is magic. It’s on Netflix. I recommend watching it under a big blanket, preferably with a glass of wine. Or I guess, with a cat.

 

 

Monday Link Pack

How are you? How are your New Year’s resolutions going? I’ve already thrown out soooooo many socks and am now left with crazy holiday ones so I am on the hunt for the nice respectable kind. I am thinking either these or these.

As it is the beginning of our first actual week back at work, I have put together a link pack of cool shit on the internet to help you survive either the next ten minutes or all the way until Friday.

I fucking love Melissa McCarthy!! (P.s. the ham sandwiches from Joan’s On Third are divine)

What do you think a paleo, vegan, gluten-free bagel tastes like?

The Curvy Wife guy wrote the BEST Instagram caption–no, seriously!

Aritzia is having a massive sale and I just bought the cutest skirt from it

SEASON 4 CATASTROPHE TRAILER IS HERE

I made this Now & Again chili recipe from Julia Turshen and it was a huge hit! If you don’t have her book you can see the recipe HERE

I plan on making this furikake Chex Mix snack at some point

All I want are these clogs 

My mom DMed me this

I am obsessed with this tattoo artist’s Instagram 

Also, strongly considering purchasing some PamWear

Over Easy is my favorite column on the internet

Mrs. Maisel is hosting SNL and the musical guest is Greta Van Fleet LMAO what is this pairing!!!

Did Chrissy Metz call Allison Brie a bitch on the red carpet?

Come on guys….was this on purpose?

This is my favorite mask ever ever and it makes me so happy!

I tried one of the redness reducing products on this list and am currently loving it

Trying out this Chicago restaurant over the weekend

Just cuz

 

Christmas Makes Me Sick

Hello! How have you been? We’ve missed you.

It’s the day before Christmas (8:15 AM) and I am sitting in an empty bathtub, working, while my family peacefully snoozes in the other room. I have a cold, which by now is de rigueur for the holiday.

I’ve had a cold at Christmas as far back as I can remember. I’ve worn those yellow mouth and nose masks around dying elderly family members, I’ve NyQuil sweated my way through elaborate Christmas dinners, and I’ve used a fuck ton of tissues.

I’ve had Christmases in San Francisco, Los Angeles, Paris, and London and I’ve always had a cold for all of them, always. I don’t think Santa brings it to me, I think Christmas just makes me sick.

I’m not a grinch! I don’t hate the Christmas season. In fact, I like it very much. The music is friendly, the foods are cozy and I especially enjoy giving my friends and family presents. Holiday baking is nice. Ugly sweaters are cool. I’m Jewish so Chanukah is in there somewhere. But come December 23, I fall ill.

Maybe I’m allergic to Christmas trees? Or elves? Or having a good time?

Could be from eating too many Gingerbread people.

But it might also be how much importance and family togetherness is stressed on this holy day of Jesus, commercialism, and consumerism, that it stresses me the fuck out. I love my family, but I think my body is rejecting them. I don’t just mean my parents and sibling. I think it’s the whole shebang. The whole extended mishpokhe (second shout out, Jews).

It’s the energies and personalities and problems of grandma and dead grandpa and ex-wives and aunts and uncles and cousins and family friends who all love me so much and who I love dearly, but who make my snotty head feel stuffed with cotton.

It’s not that they expect anything from me, but they do–we all do. it’s Christmas. It’s the most magical day of the year where everyone is happy for one perfect and pure day (which has never ever been anyone’s experience I think? Ever?)

You’re not supposed to get mad when your Grandma snarkily tells your mom you’ve been taking a lot of pills (aspirin and allergy btw!) or if your cousin wants to know if you’re seeing somebody. It’s Christmas so it’s not worth getting stressed that when you talk about your job it sounds like you’re going nowhere. We’re all together, so we can talk about who is dying of cancer, who has mental illness, Trump, or a really humiliating family story about when you were 13 that you told your Dad not to bring up ever again.

Alcohol doesn’t have any internal antiseptic properties that will cure your illness btw. I’ve tried. You’re just sick and drunk at the same time. Being drunk with a stuffy nose is worse than getting coal in your stocking just FYI.

You suffer and sweat and cough and sneeze through every Christmas occasion. You decline hugs and let others pile food onto your plate because god forbid you touch the serving spoon. Your mom takes you aside to complain and cry for the 29th time. No one can understand what your uncle is talking about. He’s not drunk, he’s just confusing. You and your sister get in a fight for no reason. Everyone gets mad at you for being on your phone.

And then it’s over.

It ends.

And miraculously, so does your cold.

Maybe it’s all in my head–but tell that to the 48 tissues that surround me in this bathtub.

I think for Christmas what I would really like is some alone time, peace of mind, and a cure for the common cold.

Oh, and Harry Styles.

Thanks Santa

xoxo

Imagine A World Like That

Never having to wear a bra

Free delivery every time

Bathtub water that doesn’t get cold

Boys text back in 2 seconds

A working government

A female president

Freelancers being paid on time and also a living wage

KISS ME AND TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES

IMMMAAGINE A WORLD LIKE THAT

IMAGIIIIIINE A WORLD LIKE THAT

(this could have been a tweet lol)

Women Talk About Heartbreak

The holidays can dredge up a lot of feelings. Sure, it’s all Christmas cookies and Chanukah gelt, but with all those holiday songs about lost loves, Aunt Denise asking you if you’re still single, and couples posting ice skating Instagrams, it can also be a really lonely time.

Most everybody comes home for the holidays, even your ex. It can feel especially sting-y to think about, or even worse–to see. People get drunk on eggnog and send regrettable 2.am. texts. Luckily, you’re not alone. Unfortunately (and fortunately) heartbreak is the most common thing, like ever. That’s why we talked to women about having broken hearts.

Some told us stories, some gave advice, some even shared their fears. We would like to think that this would make anyone with a broken heart or anyone “going through it” feel like someone can relate. Somebody has been there or is where you are right now. You’re not alone.

Think of this as your team Lately sleepover. It’s that weird part of the night right before everyone falls asleep and you’re all talking about deep stuff. There are still bowls of Chex Mix and M&M’s on the table. Your dad has come downstairs and said “SHHHHHH” three different times. There will be pancakes and french toast in the morning. But for now you’re talking about what it’s like to have a broken heart.

 

It took almost two years for me to stop being angry. It took me less time to come to terms with the fact that we wouldn’t ever get back together. None of that mattered because I was hurt and alone and he had someone who loved him and who he loved too and why does he get to feel that way again? Why don’t I have that? Sometimes I feel silly that my only meaningful romantic relationship was in high school.

As an adult it’s hard to justify that what I was feeling at 16, 17, 18 was real. Sometimes I don’t care, and I know that I’m lucky to have experienced love when I did.  At 25, I am happy for him. My hurt has healed. I’m still alone but it doesn’t feel as lonely.  I’m just scared I’ve already had my one great love.

 

“Heartbreak is a necessary evil. We need it in order to love, live, make art, and subtweet. Heartbreak allows you to uncover and decipher Dorothy Parker’s rhyming couplets, ruminate and relate to Billlie Holiday’s recording of “Good Morning Heartache” (on repeat, of course), and eat a bag of Skinny Pop popcorn for each meal. Kidding, kidding, you can always eat a bag of Skinny Pop — it also works as a celebratory meal.”

 

Girls, I’ve never been heartbroken. I had one boyfriend for 2 weeks in high school, but other than that I’ve never dealt with anything like this. I was completely shattered. In my mind I had this, admittedly not rational, fantasy that I could have a husband and a girlfriend, and I was on cloud nine. I was in love with two people and it was going to work out. But it didn’t. I went in to a very deep depression that I can only summarize as pure heartache induced. I was dumb as fuck, y’all. We didn’t talk for 2 straight months.

We only occasionally talk now, and we’re chummy, sure, but it will never be the same. I feel like my heart was divided in three even parts, and the part that had her name on it will always have her name on it, but the candle was blown out by a tornado of emotion. I won’t say I feel like I lost my other half, but I won’t not say that I feel like I lost my other half. I will always be in love with her, I think. And on the off chance that she ever reads this and knows it’s about her, I hope she knows that.

 

“It’s not that I felt relief ending things with my last relationship– if you can call it that. I don’t know if going over to someone’s house a few days a week to watch Westworld, eat pasta, and hookup is a relationship–but it was something. We had a routine, he met my friends. I went to a couple of his shows. We talked about being exclusive once and I got scared and ended the conversation. I couldn’t confide in him. But it felt like a loss. I still can’t drive past this one part of the 134 without getting teary, or listen to certain songs, or talk to him at all.”

 

“You know what’s heartbreaking? Being in love with someone you can’t trust. In between hot flashes of having the best time ever and being beside yourself with grief over every new betrayal that comes light, you have these moments of complete clarity where you’re like ‘what the fuck am I doing??’ But you can’t get yourself out of there. You don’t want to. You’re too sick and he’s too strong. It’s comfortable and you love him, so you stay.

 

Here’s what heartbreak feels like for me. Three years out, I’m still waiting for you to realize that you miss me. At this point, I don’t think you will. I don’t miss you, and you’re the one that dumped me, so it makes sense that you’ve totally moved on a few times over. But it still just doesn’t make sense to me that you don’t miss me at all. It makes me feel like my part of your life was insignificant — and that just can’t be right after we spent seven years together.

When we broke up, though, I found at least one other person for every inside joke or reference that we had. That way, when I see something that reminds me of you, I still have someone that I can share it with. Because if you don’t miss me, I don’t want to open any lines of communication again. But it sure would be nice to know that you miss me. Just so that I could know that it all mattered to you. It mattered to me.”

 

What’s secretly awesome about heartbreak is the way you get to get over it. You have an excuse to act insane, cut off all your hair, dye it a different color, stay out late, eat like crap, do whatever you want all because you have a broken heart. Your friends can’t judge you because you’re crying in the middle of dinner. You can be a hoe. You get to be the person you weren’t when you were dating someone.

This Is What Christmas Song Your Zodiac Sign Would Be

Aries

Hallelujah – Pentatonix

You’re a traditionalist at heart, and you privately think Hallelujah is the fucking most gorgeous song ever. Aries, you’re one to have a hot toddy and get all misty-eyed while mumbling along. This Pentatonix cover is acapella so it’s JUST different enough to capture your goldfish-like attention. You’ll never admit how beautiful you think it is–that is, until you’ve had a few.

Taurus

Happy XMas (War Is Over) – Celine Dion

First of all, fuck John Lennon. This Celine cover is incredible and you know it Taurus!! You love the message of this song, because it’s not too Jesus-y but it’s about treating others with respect and kindness. You also believe that you can hit those high notes like Celine when you’re alone in your car. Sure, babe!

Gemini

Santa Tell Me – Ariana Grande

You’re such a tricky little B, Gemini. You’re obsessed with the idea of mistletoe and getting kissed under it. You want an Xmas flirtation more than you want a new iPhone. A traditional Christmas song just won’t do for you. An Ariana bop it is!

Cancer

Last Christmas – Taylor Swift

You get the most emo Christmas song, Cancer. For you Christmas is definitely a time of reflection. While Wham! is nice, you’ve never really escaped your 2008-self. That’s why you instantly adore this Taylor cover. You’re dedicating it to all your exes. Especially the idiot nursing his whiskey and crying to Pentatonix.

Leo

All I Want For Christmas Is You – Mariah Carey

Did you think we would make you anything other than the most popular Christmas song like…ever? OFC you’re Mariah, Leo! Christmas is all about you!!!! Like Mariah Carey, you’ve probably made all your friends/siblings/children memorize the backing vocals so you can sing lead. Good work.

Virgo

Step Into Christmas – Elton John

You stan a classic, Virgo. This Christmas song is super jazzy and dance-able. It makes you smile immediately when you put it on. You love Christmas because you get to be in charge of decorating, list-making, and gift-giving. It’s all about order and preparation, which is where you thrive!  Luckily, singing along won’t throw off whatever psychotic system you’ve prepared for wrapping presents and decorating the tree.

Libra

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays – N’Sync

Christmas for you is all about feeling cozy, Libra. It’s just the right amount of love and cookies and decorations. That’s why you’re a song that celebrates the feeling of the season! Because you’re a Libra and all about balance, you’re not just saying Merry Christmas, you’re also wishing everyone a happy holidays! Shout out to Jews!

Scorpio

Baby It’s Cold Outside – Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton

Scorpio, you’re the best possible version of the worst possible song. This song is probably about date rape? No one can really tell. But Dolly Parton and Rod Stewart together is absolute magic. This song is sleezy but also a little sexy–like you! If you’re mad that we didn’t make you the Meghan Trainor version that is sooooo Scorpio of you.

Sagittarius

My Only Wish (This Year) – Britney Spears

Your secretly squishy heart loves this song. Also, it’s Britney so–duh. You love this song. It’s poppy and fun like you and reveals your most hidden desires, which you’re not so great at doing IRL. I hope you find the Justin to your Britney this year, boo boo.

Capricorn

Say All You Want For Christmas – Nick Jonas and Shania Twain

You’re trying to act like you don’t love a little drama in your life, but Capricorn, you do. You’re desperate for some Christmas love to disrupt the placid waters you’re currently floating in, going nowhere. This dazzling duet is just as complex and capable of love as you are. If you were Nick Jonas, I would kiss you rn.

Aquarius

Mistletoe – Justin Bieber

My forever young-at-heart and oh so enthusiastic Aquarian, this J Biebs song is sO you. The beat is super catchy, the lyrics are cute, and it’s chill as fuck but people still get so hype when it comes on. Sound familiar?

Pisces

Hoping For Snow – The Vamps

Pisces baby, you’re non traditional and would be a Christmas song we’ve never heard of but you’re stanning ever since it came out. The song is actually good, which you’ve been saying the entire time you showed it to us. Okay, we get it! I hope Santa Claus brings you the validation you so clearly need to function!!!! Yay!

 

BONUS

All the signs are also somehow the Chanukah Song Part II (the better one)! Great! Thanks!

 

 

 

 

 

Ketchup Is So Fucking Good On Everything*

French fries, hash browns, chicken nuggets, burgers, and grilled cheese.

Scrambled eggs, fish sticks, potato chips, onion rings, corn dogs, crab cakes, and if it touches your bacon. 

Macaroni and cheese. Matzo brei. Accidentally getting some on your bagel or pancakes. 

Avo-freakin-cados. 

These are all things that taste amazing with ketchup, because ketchup is so fucking good on everything, with a single caveat!

The food item must contain a starch.

Look at the above foods. Besides being mainly things you can order at McDonald’s, what else do they have in common?

A STARCH!

Yesterday one of our Lately editors (who shall remain nameless) posted a photo of her delicious breakfast to her Instagram story and raised mass hysteria because it depicted a hash brown with sliced avocado topped with ketchup.

While some were shocked that an editor who works in food journalism would consume a Trader Joe’s frozen hash brown (which is ridiculous, considering that I make like $4 a week and they are a tasty budget friendly TJ’s item), many were disgusted–nay, devastated! That someone! Would put! Ketchup! ON! AN! AVOCADO!!!!!!!!!

But they were missing the point.

The avocado is anchored to the hash brown aka the starch. We have already established that hash browns taste good with ketchup! If this editor (okay, it’s me guys. I did it) had been having eggs with avocado and ketchup, would you have been so offended? Do you not add things like vegetables to your dishes? Do you not eat your colors? What kind of 5-year-olds are you!!!!

I am a big fan of hot and cold combinations. I love warm brownies with ice cream, Shaq-promoted Icy Hot, and I’ve always been interested in that lube that’s supposed to be cold and warm sensations.

Ketchup is so cooling and so sweet. When I eat it on a hot food like macaroni and cheese (something other people have called me a monster for doing!! which is WILD because it tastes fucking amazing) my mouth sings a little song of joy.

The flavor of ketchup is also like sugar tomatoes. Which is appealing to me, a person who did not like actual tomatoes until roughly this year.

Ketchup is made for the pedestrian palate. Think of how many adults put ketchup on their hotdogs!! The actual one thing I will not do because it is sacrilege to the city of Chicago, Illinois!!

Tr*mp puts ketchup on his steak. Okay…maybe that is a bad example. But still, I think THAT is more outrageous than someone eating a fried potato rectangle with avocado on it and some ketchup.

Basically what I’m saying is, you’re all a big bunch of babies. Not because I’m over hear eating caviar topped snails because I am some sort of big time food editor. No. Because you’re all grossed out by ketchup, on something you 100% would eat if it didn’t have a green vegetable (I guess they’re a fruit?) on it. I’m urging you to try it.

Literally make a scramble with eggs, potatoes, and top it with avocados. Squirt a tiny bit of ketchup on the side. Dip your forkful in, and let the combination make your mouth smile. It’s fucking good, isn’t it?

Now that we’ve got that settled, would this be a bad time to tell you that I do eat avocados plain, with barbecue sauce?