Manifest your dreams, marry Nick Jonas

Once upon a time, I had a therapist who told me to keep a journal. In that journal, she wanted me to list 5 things I was grateful for and 5 things that I wanted to happen, every single day.

I don’t remember her name (Tamara? Heather? Nancy?) and can only vaguely mentally conjure the image of her face. But I DO remember that she was huge into The Secret and once told me a story about going on a double date to Cheesecake Factory with her husband, and that the other couple snuck away to do cocaine.

She did tell me that story for a reason. Unfortunately, that reason has been lost to time!

ANYWAY. Sometimes I still journal in this way. Especially when I’m angry or sad or the day before had elements of negative shit that I’d like to remain in the past.

When I’m not on Miami Boys Choir TikTok (team Binyomin, btw), I’m inundated with TikToks about reiki healing, manifestation techniques, jumping timelines and special crystals.

While I love receiving reiki as ASMR ….IDK if it works. I hope it does!!! That would be sick. I’d also love to have a session IRL to compare because any reiki I’ve experienced has just been via my phone. Jumping timelines sounds exhausting and like a lot of work just to feel like I have a more beautiful face or a better job. And crystals… I own a ton of pretty rocks and used to hide rose quartz at an ex-boyfriend’s apartment. He cheated on me anyway.

My grandpa had a paranormal talkshow for many years.

Yes, that sentence was as strange for me to write down as it was for you to read!

Zayde was a very serious man who largely called BS on pretty much all of it. Before he died, he told me I could ask him whatever I wanted, and he would tell me the truth about everything: ghosts, mind readers, energy healing, crystals, the zodiac, evil spirits, whatever. He said 2% of it all MIGHT be real.

But he didn’t say WHICH 2%.

I am choosing to believe that part of that real 2% is manifestation. I’m not saying I believe in The Secret (sorry former therapist Rochelle/Joanne/Matilda) but I think something must happen in your brain? in your reality? in the universe? When you write shit down or say it enough times that you actually start to believe it.

I think it’s all related to perception. Maybe once you choose to accentuate the positive, you have an easier time seeing it everywhere. It starts to feel like good things are all around. Maybe they start to feel like they flow more easily toward you. Or maybe TikTok was right and manifesting opens the timeline jumping portal to better skin. WHO CAN SAY, REALLY?

But I think it works. Maybe I’m not living in a mansion (yet), but I think journaling has helped me feel like I am attracting the things (or at least the energy) that I want. When I journal I’m not asking for things. I’m more so reminding myself, this is what you’re working towards. Sometimes it’s a job promotion and sometimes it’s an under $60 gel manicure.

Like my former therapist, the TikTok manifestation girlies are all about the power of writing down their intentions/things they want to manifest. They start small (and I do too.)

When I write down 5 good things, I’m reminding myself how lucky I am that I got to have my favorite coffee this morning. That I went for a walk in the sun. If I were journaling right now, I’d mention how grateful I am that 1. I am dating my delicious little boyfriend and that 2. He went out and bought me a delicious little chocolate chip cookie after lunch today.

What else am I manifesting? Continued good health. General prosperity. A really hot Instagram photo.

You can write down whatever you want.

I’m just spitballing.

Can you believe this post was originally going to be all about condo hunting on Zillow??

ANYWAY

Manifest your dreams, marry Nick Jonas, log off early.

xo

L

Boo-sted Baby! 👻

Hello from paradise!

I’m sitting on my couch with a pumpkin cream cold brew, streaming House of Ho while a pumpkin praline-scented WoodWick candle crackles in the foreground. It was 70º when I took my walk this morning and I spent my lunch break bookmarking fall coats on Nuuly. My NYT Cooking widget has been showing me a recipe for cinnamon babka all day.

This is living.

My therapist would call this an “oasis of calm.” I would call this “the calm before the storm.” I got my combination Covid booster-flu shot this morning. My left arm freakin hurts, I’ve had a headache all day and I’m starting to get a little hot and sweaty despite the fact that I have the A/C on.

So in an effort to prolong this pumpkin oasis of peace (tragically, the initialism for that comes out to P.O.O.P.)….

Let’s look at some links!

I NEED this fuzzy checkerboard coat. Don’t sell it out before I can Nuuly it.

This Cup of Jo piece about crushing on Daryl McCormack totally gets it right. That accent! *sWOon*

Do you listen to The World’s First Podcast with Erin & Sara Foster? Well, you should. This is my favorite episode. It’s all about manifesting, healing and creating your own set of non-negotiables.

I really want to see Spin Me Round. This movie has it all: fake Olive Garden, Molly Shannon, Aubrey Plaza being sexy, Zach Woods (also being sexy), pasta, mystery, intrigue!

I love practicing these jaw massage techniques. I don’t know how NOT to clench my jaw so these intentional moments of relief are necessary — I lowkey need masseter botox (hmu if you know a good spa).

How do I convince my boyfriend to go in on these cool kitchen chairs with me?

These little ghost candles are too cute to light.

Just some Rosh Hashanah socks.

I love Jake Cohen’s challah recipe. He shares a bunch of tips on how to make the perfect challah here.

Imagine getting cozy under this positively MASSIVE blanket.

I want a new carry-on bag. After seeing 8 million TikToks about it, I think I’ve been influenced to get this one from Beis.

How cute are these pumpkin gnocchis?

Anyway!

I hope you’re embracing your inner fall queen. I’m enjoying being old and basic as hell.

Love you/talk soon/it’s 6pm and I’m falling asleep

L

My Mom’s Best-Ever Vegetarian Chopped Liver Recipe

Rosh Hashanah is just two weeks away. In honor of the impending Jewish New Year (5783 baby!), I’m sharing my mom’s really, truly, so very good recipe for vegetarian chopped liver.

If you’ve made it this far and you’re thinking “what the heck is chopped liver?” It’s basically Jewish foie gras.

It’s a pâté.

It’s a meat spread made of chicken livers, eggs, onion and spices.

Chopped liver is savory, iron-y and delectably rich. Some people avoid it for health reasons. Some people avoid it for vegetarian reasons. Some people avoid it because they find the idea of eating liver kind of gross.

Most of my family isn’t big on meat. I’m sorry if this makes you so mad you stop reading right now. But also, it’s 2022. Please get over it.

Sure, my great grandma has a delicious chopped liver recipe that we bust out on occasion. When we gather for the holidays we usually have a brisket or some form of chicken. But most of our dishes are mainly veg/carbs (shoutout to kugel).

Vegetarian chopped liver is always the star appetizer. The herbaceous, meat-free spread evokes the seasonings and consistency of real chopped liver, without being… ya know… meat! Plus, it’s great on Manischewitz Tam Tams or with a carrot stick.

I know chopped liver seems like more of a Jewish thing, but don’t get it twisted — anyone can make/enjoy chopped liver! Especially the vegetarian kind. That’s why I am sharing this. And if you’ve made it this far and you’re STILL shaking your head in disgust, thank you for logging that sweet, sweet time on site but you can officially log off!

She is not beautiful but she does not have to be! Let her power be a lesson to you all!

NOW! THE RECIPE!

You can always make more or less but this should serve about 6 people.

You’ll need:

The vegetable oil of your choice

3 hard-boiled eggs

1 cup green beans

1 and 1/2 cups green peas

2 big onions, coarsely chopped

“A shit load of salt and pepper” – according to my mother

A pinch of lemon pepper

A little garlic powder

A food processor (or a blender that will pulse and not turn things into juice when you don’t want them to be).

DIRECTIONS:

Hard boil 3 eggs for 10 minutes. Set aside to cool. Once cooled, peel and quarter.

Pour 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil into a pan. Wait until the oil is shimmering. Then add your onion and cook until it starts to caramelize. Turn off burner heat.

Coarsely chop up your green beans, then add them to your onion pan, along with your green peas. Sauté everything together until cooked. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Add 1/2 cup of vegetable oil to your food processor. Add eggs, onions, beans and peas. Season well with salt and pepper, add as much garlic powder as you like (I only like a pinch but it’s your VCL).

Start pulsing/blending/pulverizing. If it’s too thick, add a little more oil. You want the final product to be spreadable but NOT liquid-y. Think hummus or any other sort of dip!

Once you’re there or nearly there, add a pinch of lemon pepper to taste. I would mix it up with a spoon so as not to ruin the consistency.

Chill for several hours in an air-tight container. My mom said that if it’s not air-tight your refrigerator is gonna stink lol.

Serve chilled with lovely crackers and vegetables. You could also serve this with challah, which would be pretty good too.

Anyway, almost Shana Tovah!

L

The Zodiac Signs As Halloween Costume Ideas

This is the best (and the worst) I could do.

Aries

This 666exy costume is perfect for Aries. You’re the devil! You’re widely hated for the way you lead others into temptation. But it’s not all bad. Some people worship you! Not me though.

Taurus

Miss Piggy is one luxurious beyotch. She prizes living well and looking good above all else. If she isn’t a Taurus, she should be. Wait…let me Google it real quick. Oh she’s a Leo. WHATEVER. Just be Miss Piggy for Halloween so you can be rude, sip martinis and kiss frogs.

Gemini

Hi Gemini! You’re more excited about someone ripping your Halloween costume OFF than putting one on this year. This punny costume also doubles as a massive red flag! Awww, just like your personality!

Cancer

Absolutely be the Sleepy Time Tea bear but slutty. Sure, the Sleepy Time Tea bear is not slutty in essence. It’s a bear. It’s sleepy. But Cancer, I bet if you rocked this night cap-sleep shirt combo…things could get a lil …cheeky. I mean we never see that bear standing up. How short is that top exactly??

Leo

Leo’s love attention. The fastest way to get it in 2022? Be Nathan Fielder. While this Halloween costume is definitely easy if you’re a white man with dark hair (esp one who graduated from one of Canada’s top business school with really good grades), you’ll still need to rehearse this role a bunch of times before the big day. Bonus points if you wear Summit Ice. Deny nothing.

Virgo

Virgo, you’re Tito the anxiety mosquito. Halloween is chaos. It ruins your sense of order and control. No one will be able to tell if you’re voicing your racing thoughts or if you’re just deep in character! I feel like you could make this costume slutty if you really wanted to.

Libra

I’m not totally sure HOW you’d pull this off but you should definitely be Bella Hadid. She’s hot, Libras are hot. Can you achieve this costume simply by getting bangs? I don’t know. Just don’t be the “home boy’s gonna like… get it” meme. That’s a zillion years old.

Scorpio

Scorpios are cool. Some might say too cool. So to level the Halloween costume playing field, you should be the 2011 swag trend. Wear a hat like this one. Wear an American Apparel zip-up hoodie in an obnoxious color like purple. Say “swaggy” or go “swag, swag,” while making dancing hand motions. I don’t remember what else happened in 2011 but this feels like most of it…. Oh yea, Jabbawockeez.

Sagittarius

Sag, you’re the perfect combination of quirky and classic. That’s why you should be Scout’s ham costume from To Kill A Mockingbird. The literary hoes gon’ looooove this.

Capricorn

All Capricorns are just Carl from Up. This is what you look like to me! You’re all so cranky and sad! Cheer up!!! Damn! You could also make this slutty if you want.

Aquarius

What’s so spooky about Kathy Hilton? Everything! Give your friends a real scare by showing up to their house but not for a trick-or-treat. Ask for crackers…and some cheese…. and a diet Coke.

Pisces

If this photo just seems like two men lifting a piece of luggage to you — educate yourself. THAT’S TAYLOR SWIFT IN THERE!! In 2017(ish) Miss Swift traveled to-and-fro not by private jet but by luggage. Now, it’s your turn Pisces. Recruit two strong friends to help you recreate this iconic look for Halloween! Preferably Sag and Leo.

Let’s just be honest, let’s just BeReal

Hello from swampy Los Angeles! How have you been? It’s been ages. You look so good! Have you gone keto? Are you dermaplaning?

Recently, I attended a party where someone asked me what I do for a living. When I told them, they said they couldn’t imagine writing every day because it’s “just not fun.”

Let me clue you in on a little something — sometimes, it’s NOT fun!!

I log on and do this shiz every. single. day. Deals pieces on Apple TVs don’t just grow on trees. My “writing” job involves researching, drafting, editing, updating, SEO software, endless Slack conversations about heds and H2s, reading analytics software and uhhh trying to make it all sound interesting so somebody will click or buy.

Then I get to share the damn thing and have you bitches DM me some variation of “TLDR LOL which is better?”

Obviously, I’m a glutton for punishment. Harry Styles did to Chris Pine what I guess I appear to be begging all of you to do to me every time I share anything.

But I love writing. Especially when I get to write about whatever the hell I want. Unfortunately, ~this~ can be really fun for me. But somewhere between 2021 and 2022 I lost the thread. My professional writing life took the wheel and the part of me that likes to gab about buying things, inventing new careers and deleting Facebook fell asleep in the backseat.

Well, she’s awake now and she wants to stop at Starbucks.

My goal is to write something on here every day for the rest of the month. It might not be good. It might be silly. It might be embarrassing. It will probably be about shopping/eating/HBO programming.

Read it or don’t. I just want to have some fun writing before I inevitably delete this thing.

ANYWAY!!!!!!

Here are some recent fun things I purchased/want to buy:

I am now the proud owner of a pair of those Birkenstock Boston clogs that everyone is wearing.

Have you heard of skin cycling? I’m trying it out and this is my new go-to retinol.

L.A. is a sauna right now….this tinted, blurring skin balm stays in place and keeps my skin from getting oily.

Tell me why I NEED these boots. P.s. are cowboy boots over? Or are we just getting started? Discuss in the comments.

This scalp oil changed my life. I’m probably going to do a whole piece on it because it’s just that good.

I read this Ottessa Moshfegh book in one sitting.

You know I’m a hoops girl. I would love a new pair for fall. I’m thinking these?

When will it be cold enough to wear a crewneck!! I have never been to North Dakota but that does NOT stop me from wanting this amazing sweatshirt!

Speaking of crewnecks, it’s football szn. Bear down, bb! I’m on the hunt for a cute vintage Chicago Bears sweatshirt that I can wear when my boyfriend drags me along to watch the big game. So far I’ve found this option. It’s listed as “funny vintage” but that’s probably because the Bears usually lose. See! I know sports. Urlacher has hair!

Are you in LA? You need to have dinner here. Order the hummus ful and get the lamb skewers. You’re welcome.

BTW I don’t have a BeReal account. Stop asking!!

love u

L

Holiday Gifts Under $25

‘Tis the damn season, so I figured I would make another gift guide.

Can you believe I make $0 off these links?

Me either!

Anyway, why is everything so dang expensive?? I’m just trying to get my friends some Christmas and Chanukah presents and go. If you are also trying to find some small things to mail to your far away friends, hand off to your next door neighbor, stuff in your sister’s stocking or just reward yourself for getting through the week: These holiday gifts under $25 are for you!

Really cool wine glasses: $25 via Amazon

Shoutout to my friend Tori who told me she was looking for some “cool” wine glasses. That sent me down a rabbit hole of various glass shapes and price points. If you don’t want to spend a ton of money but still want to feel like you’re sipping out of something fancy, I really like this $25 option.

Trendy sunglasses: $10.99 via Amazon

These sunnies are such a cute shape. They also come in a few other colors. Plus they’re $11 so if you’re prone to losing sunglasses (like I am 😩) then you will only feel slightly less bad when they disappear into the crevices of your car/the leather booth at a CPK/your friend’s parent’s vacation home.

The Tinx Tumbler: $22 via Amazon

I use this tumbler every single day. It comes in multiple colors, sizes and keeps your drinks icy cold AND super hot (yes, I have hot girl walked with a hot coffee in here!). Tinx, everybody’s favorite cheugy older sister TikToker, is the one who originally recommended this product. Unlike her taste in L.A. restaurants, she absolutely did not miss with this one.

Everyday Oil: $22

Hands down, this is my favorite body oil. The glass packaging feels EXTREMELY luxe. I use the mainstay blend which is scented with palo santo, lavender, geranium and clary sage. If you’re scent-averse (or gifting to someone who is) they also sell an unscented version. I like to store my bottle in the shower. As soon I turn off the water I apply a heavy pump of this oil all over my skin to trap moisture. The 1 oz size is $14, 2 oz is $22 and 8 oz is $48.

Designer Dust Co. highlighter: $18

My friend Nicole’s brand Designer Dust Co. makes THE BEST sparkling highlighter. They come in four gorgeous, buttery-soft shades. A must-have for any friend/family member who is into beauty. The brand even has a celebrity following– Rachel Bloom is a fan!

A very cute ceramic cup: $20

You know what would make a cute gift? This ceramic cup and some fancy hot cocoa with artisanal marshmallows.

Did someone say hot chocolate and marshmallows?

These cuties are $10.

Ariana Grande Cloud Eau De Perfume: $25

It was the cult perfume of 2020 and I’ve heard it’s a good dupe for Baccarat Rouge. I personally can’t wear the scent anymore because it reminds me of my depression. HOWEVER, it smells wonderful on everyone who wears it and it’s $25 at Walmart rn.

Palate Polish: $14

My friend Bri turned me on to this wonderful women-owned nail polish brand. Palate Polish is 10-free, vegan and cruelty free. Their polishes come in a variety of gorgeous, quick-drying colors and are named for foods. I personally own a bunch of their polishes and love them.

For your friend who STILL doesn’t have a wine corkscrew: $14

This purchase is absolutely inspired by my beautiful friend Mijal. If you too have a friend who deserves a rose gold wine opener (I personally don’t call them corkscrews but that’s because I am trash), this is a pretty and practical option. It’s something everyone should have in their home on the off chance a guest brings over something BESIDES a twist-off.

Wall art: $25

Perhaps you have a sister who went camping at a national park once and made it her entire personality or a best friend that you drive to Joshua Tree with whenever you want to sing Olivia Rodrigo anthems at the top of your lungs. Brandi creates prints representing a variety of national parks, in the style of classic tattoos. While you can buy a poster right now, her next t-shirt drop is on Dec. 4. Swo set your phone alarms accordingly!

Cozy plush open-toe Slippers: $19

You KNOW there is nothing I love more than some fluffy footwear. If you’re not looking to spend Ugg money on a loved one, these vibrant, soft-looking slippers are almost as good. They come in five different colors and are under $20! I might even get a pair for myself lol.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS !

I HOPE THIS POST DOES WELL IN SEO-HO-HO-HO

xx

Chanukah Harry

A Very Specific Gift Guide

Ask and ye shall receive.

Doesn’t it feel like the older you get, the less exciting your wants become? I remember being eight years old and wishing for a Meygan Bratz doll harder than anything. She came with a furry vest and a corduroy beret. Now, all I think I want is new underpants.

But apparently my readers need me.

And as I am still a girl with a passion 4 fashion (second Bratz reference!) I have no problem doing the necessary shopping and listing to inspire your gifting needs, whatever they may be.

I’m going to write about the things I want. If you’re doing some shopping for friends/family I imagine these would make good presents for:

A. Extroverted introverts who would rather stay in and be cozy with dinner, a glass of wine and a bubble bath

B. Cool grandmas/ aging aunts/ exhausted 28 year olds

C. Someone exactly like me (See A and B)

Fawn by Ellis Brooklyn

In college, my best friend Andrew and I were obsessed with this Bobbi Brown scent called “Bath.” The scent truly captured the essence of having just stepped out of a warm, milky bubble bath. Brown retired the scent a number of years ago and I’ve been looking for a dupe ever since. Somehow, this is it? The scent description is all wrong in my opinion. Whoever did the copywriting for Ellis Brooklyn seems to think it smells like tropical vacation. I firmly disagree. Anyway, it’s on sale right now at Sephora.

Thinx Boyshorts

Are you a person with a period? Do you hate sleeping with something all up in you? You need to get a pair of Thinx. My favorite is the cotton boyshort (mom if you are reading this I am a size M) but these period absorbing panties come in a variety of styles. They are comfortable, won’t let you down leak-wise and don’t look too crazy bulky under jeans/leggings/etc. I currently own three pair but the tops have all started to fray and I need to replace them ASAP.

Madewell Flannel Oversized Ex-Boyfriend Tunic Shirt

I love the color, the length and the oversized fit of this Madewell flannel. As a longtime fan of the brand (and former employee), I can attest that their flannels are always soft, cozy and flatter a variety of body types. They tend to run big so I would size down. For instance, I’m a size small in their flannels (if you are a person reading this who wants to buy this for me).

More clothing wants/recommendations

  • I want everything from Favorite Daughter, namely these jeans. However, they’re currently out of stock. Keeping my eye on these for when they refresh.
  • Every year I want this Everlane sweater, every year it is sold out in a size XS before I can order it. LOVE the colors pepper and persimmon. Pro tip: they run HUGE. Hence why I order an XS.
  • Who doesn’t love an Ugg? I own three pair and the Fluff Yeah are my favorite.
  • Have been obsessed with this FP Movement jacket ever since I laid eyes on it. No idea why I am so dedicated to looking like a traffic cone.

Bijou Candles

This queer, women-owned brand makes cruelty-free candles inspired by women in pop culture and history. I have my eye on the 70’s icons trio (especially the Cher). They also have coven, punks, starlets and First Wives-inspired candles. Use this link and you’ll get $10 off your order.

More candles:

  • I’ve heard nothing but good things about the brand Borough Home. This citrine collection looks amazing.
  • My friend TC got me a “This smells like Harry Styles” candle from Cool Girl Candles. They have a lot of other candles that smell like celebs that would make a great gift for someone you luv who luvs…Timothee Chalamet? Jack Harlow? Idk they have a lot of people.

Fairley Jewelry

Are you my boyfriend? Are you reading this post? I want this peridot necklace. Thanks for stopping by! No but really, I enjoy this jewelry brand. They look like what I thought grown up jewelry looked like when I was a kid. Big sparkly gems on thin gorgeous chains. They ship from Australia so if your name is Dan thinking of getting this, I’d order it soon.

Other cool jewelry I have my eye on/recommend:

Nice Pajamas

Normally I fall asleep in a big t-shirt covered in a variety of permanent stains. But I’ve decided that because I’m approaching 30, it’s time for me to own some nice pajamas. Why do nice pajamas cost so much money??? I love these silk ones from Summersalt and these from Nap. I guess I’ll keep looking for dupes. However, if you have $$$ to spend on the sleepyhead in your life…. I imagine these would be great options.

These cookie sheets are kind of a Great Jones Holy Sheet dupe, don’t you think? Plus, they’re half the price.

More kitchen wants and recs:

Jew-ish by Jake Cohen

Because I’m tired of having to search the internet for various recipes from this book and I might as well own it anyway.

More cookbooks I want:

Maude Bath Kit

Do you love Dakota Johnson? I love Dakota Johnson. She’s an investor and co-creative director for this sexual wellness and body brand. Also, this really cool girl that I follow on Instagram is their EIC. Anyway, this trio of bath items is scented with warming notes of amber, cedar leaf, lemongrass, tonka bean and medjool date. Doesn’t that sound delicious to soak in?

More relaxing essentials that I want or you need to know about:

The Best Things I Have Purchased at Erewhon Part 2

Hello again! You guys really seemed to like reading about the best things I have purchased at Erewhon, so I thought I’d make a part 2.

Let’s GOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Three Wishes Cereal – Cinnamon

I have always loved cereal. When I was little and we would go visit my grandma, she always had mini boxes of cereal that I would eat for breakfast and snack. In college, my aunt would buy me boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and I would eat it for (what felt like) most meals. Three Wishes is grain free, gluten free, has 8 grams of protein and 3 grams of sugar per serving. Even though it is not the absolute candy that is Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I happen to think Three Wishes tastes really, really good. My favorite way to eat it is with almond milk and frozen blueberries.

Mama Emma Fresh Pumpkin Gnocchi

Idk who Mama Emma is, but I would like to be her child. The first time I tasted this gnocchi, I gasped. It’s lighter than air, flavorful and takes about 3 minutes to make. I went on the Mama Emma website, and they say their pumpkin gnocchi has “extraordinary nutritional and healing properties.” Mama Emma!!!!! Guaranteed, this is a food I will be eating all fall long. It’s great with marinara, pesto or a little olive oil and some parm.

Erewhon’s Turmeric Tahini Dressing

This is the best-tasting salad dressing ever. This salad dressing is a gorgeous saffron color. It’s lightly tangy without being too acidic on the tongue. It’s also made with tahini (my fave), turmeric (anti-inflammatory!), maple syrup, lemon juice, ginger, oregano and sunflower seeds. WARNING! It does not keep forever (prob about 7 days). When I buy it, I like to top my salads/roasted vegetables with it that week.

Misha’s Kind Foods Non-Dairy Cheese – Joi

If you’re reading this and it’s giving you the icks because I am talking about things that are gluten-free and dairy-free…..why are you reading a piece about Erewhon then? If you’re STILL with me and haven’t logged off to go buy McDonald’s or sm, I like to use this spreadable non-dairy cheese as a cream cheese on bagels and as a spread on crackers/sandwiches. I LOVE the Joi flavor, described by the Misha Kind Foods website as: “blending the bright spice of fresh jalapenos, de-seeded to infuse flavor without a hint of heat, along with herbaceous, bold notes of thyme and oregano.” It’s not spicy. It’s herbaceous! And really hits that cheese craving.

Atlantic Sea Farms Fermented Seaweed Salad

If you’re trying to incorporate more fermented foods for your gut health (and these days, who isn’t?) might I suggest this tasty seaweed salad? You can eat it plain, add it to rice, toss it in a salad, pair it with some fish, idk do whatever you want. It’s really good. PRO TIP: If you don’t like seaweed, you definitely won’t like this. If you still want a lil fermented something, I recommend Wildbrine’s Probiotic Red Beet & Cabbage Kraut. It’s semi-sweet and tastes mostly like beets. Also good on everything I mentioned above.

Erewhon’s Eggless Sandwich

Erewhon’s prepared foods are unrivaled. You know this. We have been over this. If you’re a fan of hand-held breakfast items, this morning sandwich is freakin IT. No, it’s not made with a fake egg. There are no eggs or pretend eggs. That’s what I like about it. It’s an English muffin, perfectly spiced turmeric curry tofu, tempeh bacon, spinach and a little olive oil. It’s so incredibly savory and filling but not in the way that a Starbucks breakfast sammy is. I feel nourished after I eat this. Try it (esp when you’re hungover 🤪) and thank me later.

Metagenics OmegaGenics EPA-DHA 1000

Remember when you were in college and your new roommate/best friend told you that you both should start taking Biotin to strengthen your hair and nails, but all it made you do was break out? Those long words I typed up there in the caption hed are a brand of fish oil pill. Want to know why my hair/nails are so long and strong? These pills. These do exactly what Biotin was supposed to do for me (and DID NOT). The lovely holistic health expert at Erewhon recommended this brand, because the pills are slightly lemon flavored (masking the fish taste) and don’t make you have fish burps. They also conveniently keep my heart healthy! I know some people think fish pills don’t do anything. Those people probably have brittle nails.

Happy shopping!

xx

L

Hashtag Career Goals

You’re supposed to dress for the job you want, but we all work from home now.

Plus, I have no idea what a “podcaster with no agenda” would wear.

Probably pajamas?

While I am a “rock star content producer” interested in creating “viral hits,” I am also “extremely tired.”

There was a time when I had the energy to bounce back and forth from freelancing job to freelancing job while also writing for my normal 9 to 5. I was pitching anyone with an email address and piling up clips like I worked at SuperCuts.

I had ideas! This is less of a brag and more just sheer shock at the way I used to exist compared to the current husk of a human I have become since the onslaught of global pandemic that is never not onslaught-ing.

I feel uncreative and sexless about being a writer. To clarify, that’s “sexless” in the “not sexy” way. Not “sexless” as in purposely left that part of my driver’s license blank. I looked the word up and those were both options for the definition.

So to break myself out of my bad mood? funk? evening of self loathing? I will write for you some creative, fun job ideas that I think I could be really good at and that will not only revitalize me, but also re-invigorate my waning existence as a human being under capitalism/career.

Nail Polish Namer

I am fairly certain that this is already a real job. But I know I would absolutely crush it. I am very good at naming things. For instance, when I was a small child I named all of my dolls and stuffed animals, Carrot. I think that shows a remarkable brilliance on my part, as most children were not sporting produce names until after the birth of Apple Martin. Meanwhile, I had like seven baby dolls named Carrot. Naming a nail polish should be no problem.

Coffee Shop Playlist Coordinator

I’ll say it, because no one else will. Coffee shops need better/louder music to muffle the sound in the bathroom. Did you really think your Damien Rice track is going to muffle the sound of a triple iced latte exiting my body? Because I know it won’t. I think more cafes need to play The White Stripes with heavy a focus on “Icky Thump.” Pardon the pun.

ASMR Video Test Subject

Over the last year and a half I have really started to fall in love with ASMR. The soft-spoken videos where someone pretends to brush your hair/give you a facial/pluck negative energies are a welcome brain break from Netflix and TikTok. ASMRist itsblitzzz frequently practices her techniques on her friends. Honestly, I am quite jealous! None of my friends run a popular ASMR YouTube account (that I know of). No one has ever offered to ASMR me! I want to do this! I promise I will sit and not make noise. I probably (50/50 chance) won’t even fall asleep! Itsblitzzz even provides her ASMR subjects with a snack! This is my new dream job! Who will pay me to do this?

Supportive Friend Concierge

I used to work fashion retail, so I can tell when someone wants “a friend” to validate their impulsive choices. Basically this is a service, where you call or text me (I could show up but that will definitely cost you extra) to give you the support you “buy now”! Are those ugly-cute shoes actually cute? Or just ugly? Babe, they’re on sale! Who cares! Listen, I am not here to judge and I am certainly not your friend so you won’t have to worry about me ever saying “why do you never wear THATTHING again?? You used to love it!” when you inevitably hate your impulse buy after 2 to 3 business days. Hypothetically, this concierge service could also extend to supportive texts about hooking up with your ex. However, I feel like that could get me sued?

Bread Bitch

Hear me out on this one— You’re at dinner with a group of friends. The waiter plops down a basket of fresh, steaming sliced baguette. Everyone is paralyzed with nerves. “Are we eating bread this week? Does no one want it? Will I look like crazy if I go first?” you think. A bead of sweat trickles down your back. “Please god someone break this curse!!” That’s when I step in. I will be the bread bitch. I will go first. I will give the gluten green light. Sacred moments with your sourdough roll are forever saved. You’re welcome, America.

Anyway, feel free to pass around my resume if any positions like these open up.

I’ll be here all week.

Try the plant-based veal.

L

Are You Watching ‘The White Lotus’?

If you’re watching The White Lotus then you are legally obligated to talk with me about this truly unhinged show.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

……………..

……..

….

..

My dad hates this show and yet he is still watching it. He told me he didn’t appreciate seeing Steve Zahn’s (fake?) balls. He thought Jennifer Coolidge’s boat scene with her mom’s ashes was too long. He likes Armond (Murray Bartlett). He does NOT like Alexandra Daddario.

And now that you have a 60-year-old man’s opinions on this new HBO show, let me give you mine!

While this show is doing a lot of interesting things (chief among them: white affluent families, all the worst parts about a long vacation and analingus), this show is mostly dragging our living generations.

Show me a better depiction of a rich white Millennial than former Obvious Child white boy of the month, Jake Lacy.

I’m starting with Millennials because I am one.

What is the Boomer buzzword for Millennials? ENTITLED. His character Shane Patton believes he deserves everything. If he’s ever thwarted in his search for lazy self pleasure, he can always call his mom to do it for him. Why does he get away with it? Well he’s white…he’s rich….he is semi-nice looking. If I didn’t appreciate Jake Lacy’s range so much I would HATE Shane. He’s such a little asshole. I’m pretty sure in one scene I clocked him wearing Chubbies.

And then we have Rachel. She doesn’t come from money, she’s hustled her entire life only to get to a career of creating fluffy content for listicle-based sites (please believe me when I tell you I am crying) and now she’s “made it” by marrying rich. She’s having a hard time letting go of her “identity” a.k.a a white girl in debt. Rachel isn’t the other end of the Millennial spectrum. If she were, she wouldn’t be on vacation in Hawaii with her new rich husband.

She’s a vehicle to express this generation’s malcontent with everything despite achieving what GenX/Boomers see as a dream….I think? Idk. She is worried that her identity is going to be sucked up into her husband if she doesn’t keep working, but she also doesn’t seem to find any value in what she does. If they wrote this like 5 years ago she would work at Buzzfeed.

Then we have Gen Z. The three Gen Z-ers are Olivia (Sydney Sweeney), Paula (Brittany O’Grady) and Quinn (Fred Hechinger). When Connie Britton says something like you’d hear from the mouth of Gwyneth Paltrow (isn’t CB’s character’s company called something similar to GOOP? Like GOOF? GOOL?), Olivia and Paula are quick to explain to the audience why it’s problematic in the snarkiest of ways. I think that’s due to a combination of Gen X/Boomers fearing but respecting Gen Z’s ability to publicly acknowledge social justice issues.

HOWEVERRRRRRR White Lotus writers have gone the Euphoria/Gossip Girl reboot route and decided that today’s teens are all fucking and on drugs.

Is this true? I am not a teen. Even when I was one, I am pretty sure I took nothing harder than an Advil PM and stared at a poster of Nick Jonas.

A moment that sticks out for me is when Paula, the only main-cast person of color besides Belinda (Natasha Rothwell), is cuddled up in bed after excusing herself from dinner. Olivia is with her and Olivia apologizes for her family. “I’m not like them. I’m your friend,” she tells her. Obviously, this bitch is lying. She is trying to steal Paula’s crush and this is AFTER she promised she wouldn’t take a guy from her again. AGAIN?? Olivia is a bad friend! And she is just like her wack ass family! Thank you White Lotus writers for that heavily loaded line.

Also, when is Euphoria coming back? I miss that show.

All I will say about Quinn is that I think he is supposed to be the neutral good. His only crime is jerking off on the beach and being obsessed with his phone. But who amongst us has/is not!

My first exposure to Connie Britton was Friday Night Lights. Now, I believe she should have a starring role in everything. Connie Britton supremacy!! Also, please god never let my love for this strawberry blonde woman to come back and bite me in the ass.

Connie’s character Nicole Mossbacher is a total Gen X girl boss (if that’s a thing). She always has meetings!! She is rearranging the room for feng shui! She is usually holding a glass of wine or slathering lotion on her arms. She loves Hillary Clinton! She believes it’s hard out there for young, straight white men! She would be a male Boomer’s wet dream if she wasn’t so empowered/refused to have sex with her husband.

Speaking of her husb, he cheated on her. Now she gets to wear $75,000 bracelets. Of course, she seems rich enough to get those on her own…but whatever. Also, why did we have to sit through Steve Zahn talking about his constant boner for her. We get it. Connie Britton is gorgeous!!!

Also is this what Gen X straight men worry about? Their sexual attraction to their wives fading so they have to resist the urge to gag when they have sex with them? They also seem to have gay panic when they discover their ultra-macho dads loved fucking men instead of feeling angry/sad that they grew up in a culture that forced people to hide an important part of themselves. Even when it seems like he’s sad that his dad had to hide, it’s still in the context of so that MARK never knew him. Not that his poor dad couldn’t be himself around his son.

TBH everything out of Mark Mossbacher’s mouth is trash. I was more invested in the idea that he might have cancer/am more invested in MarkMond (Mark and Armond shippers hello!) than I could ever be in his relationship with his wife/son/dad/self.

That’s it for my generational dragging discourse.

Dear, Mike White and Natasha Rothwell (White Lotus writers/ Rothwell plays Belinda) you’re doing an amazing job.

I would also write something about Jennifer Coolidge but her “box” is crazy rich white lady (not in the way that Connie Britton’s character is) and that is less “conditioned generational stereotype” and more of an essence of spirit that has permeated the ether since the dawn of time.

Armond as well, transcends time and space.

Also if this show doesn’t end with Belinda somehow obtaining the funds to start her own wellness space and saying BYEEEEE to the psychopaths at this hotel, I will throw my TV off the balcony. I see the “Black woman healer” role her character is trapped in and it is depressing AF. She deserves much better than caring for crazy ass Jennifer Coolidge and horny Armond.

Also, I apologize for using people’s character names and real names interchangeably. I won’t go back and fix it.

I hope next week we see more of Lukas Gage’s butt. That was a treat. Also what the fuck ever happened to Lani (Jolene Purdy) ?

Until next time

L