The Zodiac Signs as Thanksgiving Side Dishes

Aries

Aries, you’re a dynamic babe, just like these butternut squashes with maple tahini sauce. The earthiness of butternut squash, combined with the sweet yet tangy surprise of maple tahini, is the perfect metaphor for you – it’s lively, adventurous, and a little bit of a risk but fuck it, it’s Thanksgiving!

Taurus

Roasted potatoes are hardly exciting but they more than make up for it by providing so much comfort and warmth, just like a Taurus. Potatoes are so reliable that even a novice cook attempting to impress their new boyfriend can’t fail with roasted potato! Sure, the turkey might be too dry or the stuffing ends up tasting like cardboard, but these good old down-to-earth beauties will stand the test of time!

Gemini

Little Gem, no one is thinking that you’ll bring a dish that is remotely traditional or expected. You’re straight up serving parsnip confit with pickled currants. We know you love a mix of high and lowbrow! After you’ve had your fill of parsnips and currants, you’ll kick back and soak up the confused looks and taste-test bites around you. Pfft, these people just don’t appreciate the culinary artistry before them!

Cancer

Sweetest crab! Thanksgiving is basically like the Olympics for homebodies so you’ve already got a leg up on the competition! While other people were partying on Thanksgiving Eve and wasting their November weekends with sports and outdoor fall things, you were at home studying up on recipes and hosting tips, and even made a diorama of the REAL first Thanksgiving. So naturally, your side dish is perfectly made stuffing – the piece de resistance, the side to end all sides, one side to rule them all!

Leo

Leo, let’s cut to the chase. You’re born to be the host of a massive Thanksgiving – you just want to spoil all your friends but also have the ability to maintain control over the entire meal while all eyes are on you when you reveal the turkey. In the event that you’re not fulfilling your hosting dreams this Thanksgiving, you’ll still be giving the people something that they didn’t even know that they wanted – perfectly roasted carrots that resemble those from the dinner scene in Mrs. Doubtfire. This little nostalgic dish will solidify you as life of the Thanksgiving party.

Virgo

Sweet Virgo, you’ve been practicing your side dish for the past two weeks, haven’t you? All those hours of work, research, and fussing will have paid off on Thanksgiving day when you arrive with an exquisite pumpkin pie. Just remember – you are truly your own (and everyone else’s) biggest critic. Eat your pie and be happy!

Libra

When a Libra doesn’t like a dish at Thanksgiving, they try to hide their uneaten food in the trash by covering it up with other plates and napkins. You’re certainly not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings but once they step out of the room, that’s a different story for Aunt Claire and her salty stuffing. So a Libra’s best strategy is to win over the crowd with a fan favorite mac and cheese. No one can hate mac and cheese! It’s a genius plan!

Scorpio

Warm and cozy isn’t really your vibe, little Scorpion. While everyone else is already feeling full and sleepy from the appetizers, you’re ready to bring a little mischief to Thanksgiving. After all, you’ve got to make this evening entertaining for yourself. Your first plan was deviled eggs because well you’re also a little devilish yourself but then you thought, no, dream bigger darling. And voila! Mulled wine!

Sagittarius

Sag, don’t forget Thanksgiving is coming up! We know that at a moment’s notice, you could be jetting off to the Iberian Peninsula for the holiday but just in case you can make it after all, you’ll bring along something inspired by one of your many excursions, like this sweet potato and meringue dish based on a classic Mexican dessert.

Capricorn

No one is more trusted with the cranberry sauce than a Capricorn. Oh sure, it seems like a simple thing to make but this dish requires precision and a serious, steady hand aka this is a job for a Cap. Who else has the temperament to babysit a slow simmering sauce waiting for sugar to dissolve but not burn?

Aquarius

An Aquarius can be found on Thanksgiving in their natural habitat – telling everyone that they will only come to dinner as long as everyone going acknowledges that the story of the first Thanksgiving is a lie. Also, please let’s make sure to preserve all leftovers so we diminish food waste! Now that everyone is in agreement, Aquarius will bring an untraditional take on the apple pie – a buttery, flaky, and glazed apple galette tart. Take that, fake first Thanksgiving!

Pisces

Oh darling Pisces, before you go getting yourself all weepy by thinking that your Thanksgiving party looks just like a Norman Rockwell painting, don’t forget to share your dish with all of your friends! It’s a little whimsical and a tad eccentric – just like you! Don’t get your feelings hurt if they tell you this isn’t a traditional Thanksgiving side – some people just don’t have any imagination!

I Am Incredibly Passionate About Trader Joe’s Organic Jasmine Rice

My grandmother gave me a rice cooker for my birthday (or maybe it was Christmas, I don’t remember. Sorry, Grandma). I wanted to make perfectly fluffy, a little bit sticky, definitely delicious, white rice.

I grew up in a home where rice was made on the stove in a pot with water. It was always either a little too hard or a little too soft, and if I made it it was definitely burned.

The rice cooker helped some. I still somehow always burned the bottom layer, making a crunchy rice shell that I would peel and eat (not as disgusting as it sounds, I promise).  The rice was better if I made it with chicken stock as opposed to water–a tip I learned from the wife of a friend of my father’s over lunch at Nobu.

BUT IT WAS NEVER FUCKING RIGHT AND NEVER EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED AND I WANTED PERFECTLY FLUFFY AND DELICIOUS WHITE RICE,DAMNIT.

Enter Trader Joe’s.

One day I ate my sister’s leftover rice in our refrigerator. It was sitting there in a tupperware, and I microwaved it. “This is some restaurant-quality fucking rice!” I thought to myself as I shoveled spoonfuls down my gullet before she came home from work. “I’ll have to ask her where she got it!”

Aside from being annoyed that I had consumed her food, my sister told me that the rice was actually from Trader Joe’s. “Like, is it pre-made?” I asked. “Like, did you get it in a little container or something? Do they have a hot bar now?”

“No!” She told me. “It’s frozen!”

Pardon????

So basically, this beautiful delicious rice that tastes just as good leftover as it does the day you make it, comes in a 3-pack at Trader Joe’s. The box reads “Microwave perfect in 3 minutes” and they are not lying. This rice has been perfect every single damn time I have ever made it. It’s lightly sticky but still fluffy, it’s never burned (make it in 3 minutes exactly), it’s never too hard or too watery or too soft.

According to TJ’s it’s “Grown in the valleys of Northern Thailand on farms with fertile soil and natural rain water. This rice is a premium, organic product grown with intensive care.”

I don’t care if this rice is from the Thai restaurant down the street, it’s really stinkin’ good and one pouch is enough to feed two people if you’re pairing it with a vegetables, a meat, or a soup. Trader Joe’s also offers a brown rice but it’s nasty because it’s brown rice and I hate it. There is also a wild rice variety that I also find gross! But this white rice is….divine. Simply divine.

I’ve had it alone, alone with butter, with Asian cucumber salad, with chicken, with curry, with red pepper soup, with beans, as part of a burrito bowl, and I would probably eat it any way that it was served to me because I am devoted to TJ’S white rice now!

I’m going to need you not to be a skeptic right now. This microwaved rice is life changing–especially if you suck at making rice for yourself. Seriously, in college I would walk to the Walgreens on Clark and Diversey (Chi till I die bb) and pick up their pre-made rice that I would microwave and cry about because it was terrible.

This rice is wonderful.

And it’s from Trader Joe’s so it’s budget-friendly and it’s a 3-pack so that’s actually like a few different meals you can make.

Have I converted you yet?

10 Things I Would Rather Be Cuffed To Than A Relationship This Cuffing Season

It’s cuffing season!!! Time to cuff yourself to a person who can be your significant other until summer when you recklessly abandon them for a slew of summer flings. Or not. Cuffing season is kind of stupid. Why do you need someone because baby it’s cold outside? Answer: BABY YA DON’T.

I can think of 10 things I would rather be cuffed to than a person my family will interrogate me about all Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine’s Day, long. It sounds so much more interesting to have to explain why I am chained to this Kettle Corn stand than to have to re-tell the story of how Joshua and I met on an app to my 87-year-old second cousin Ruth.

My Bathtub

Sounds amazing, tbh.

My Bed

Again, sounds incredible.

A Really Good Sushi Restaurant

After all of my money is gone from eating sushi, I would start an unlikely friendship with one of the sushi chefs who is actually experimenting with the menu and she would toss me some of her creations for me to try and give my opinion on. Yes, there would be some clunkers, but I’m sure most of it would be pretty good. This is a really good sushi restaurant after all. Plus, new friend. Yay!

A Mug of Tea

It’s not like a magical one or anything, I would have to replenish it. Could also come in handy if I need to beat off an attacker or throw hot liquid in someone’s face.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg

So I could protect her physically and also learn a lot of cool stuff, I’m sure.

Rihanna

Do I even need to explain this one.

Target’s Hair Care Aisle

This is the most exciting aisle in Target aside from the candle aisle. I wouldn’t want to be handcuffed to the candle aisle because it is too smelly. In the hair care aisle I could fix my dead ends, dry shampoo my roots, and experiment with headbands.

A Reusable Water Bottle

It would remind me to stay hydrated. No man has EVER done that for me.

A Cute Dog

I would LOVE to be cuffed to a cute dog. Me and my babe, forever! Let’s walk and talk and cuddle, you speechless hairy baby! Only downside is possibly fleas/potty time.

The Kettle Corn Stand At A Farmer’s Market

Kettle corn is fucking amazing and it always smells so good over there.

 

 

Jennifer Garner’s Pretend Cooking Show Is The Only Joy We Have Left In This World

We wanted to be her best friend when she was Jenna Rink, and we want to be her best friend now. Jennifer Garner just seems like such a fucking great person and we could watch her pretend cooking show for hours.

The show is exclusively on her Instagram, which may or may not be the best place on the internet. In a world where opening Twitter can send you into a depression spiral, we’re so thankful that J. Garn exists.

Her latest (non Halloween) cooking video is all about salad. She doesn’t use croutons because if she wants some crunch, she just adds crunchy vegetables or nuts. Omfg. Jennifer you beautiful genius!!! We are NEVER going to use that tip in real life because croutons rule! But we love it and you.

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SALAD: ⬅️ used to mean limp carrot shavings and too cold tomatoes. NOW ➡️ salads are a celebration of what is seasonal and handy. They are also what’s for lunch. Always. #PretendCookingShow #fullepisodeonIGTV! . A blend of greens! Kale  Arugula Sweet mix  Swiss chard . Veggies!  Green beans  Broccoli  Peppers  Shaved Brussels sprouts  Roasted sweet potatoes/butternut squash . Fats!  Cheese  Nuts  Avocado . Grains/Protein A big scoop of warm brown rice  Chicken Whatever else sounds good. . Dressing of your choice! I use straight olive oil and red wine/balsamic vinegar. . The key for me is to pick a variety of the above and CHOP it up so that you aren’t battling a dinner plate sized honk of lettuce every other bite.

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How fucking calming is it to watch Jennifer Garner sing “in you gooooo” to some fish sticks? Answer: TRULY calming as fuck. These are homemade fish sticks that she is making for her family!! The absolute nutrition. Plus, she keeps it real by taking a big bite. “I need a beer,” she says. Jen we’ll grab one for you from the fridge if you tell us what shelf the ketchup is on! Or is she more of a condiments in the door kind of gal? You decide.

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#PretendCookingShow— fish sticks! They’re fast. They’re delicious. #makeextra 🌟Full episode is on #IGTV🌟 . Ingredients: 1 lb of tilapia 1/4 cup of flour Salt Pepper 1 egg 1 cup Panko Bread Crumbs (regular or whole wheat) 3/4 cup Corn Flake Crumbs (or any sweet cereal you like, smashed to bits) Canola oil (or oil of your preference) . Directions: 1.) Trim your tilapia into fish stick size pieces. You want them to be of similar size and thickness. There is always one side of the fillet that is thinner so I make those into “wide and flat sticks” 🤷‍♀️ 2.) Gather three bowls to use for your batter station. . Bowl 1: 1/4 cup of flour, a few big pinches of salt, about a teaspoon of fresh ground pepper. Bowl 2: crack one egg, add a little water, mix with a fork. Bowl 3: combine the Panko and corn flake crumbs. Have an empty plate ready to catch your fish sticks when they are battered. . 3.) Start at bowl one, coat fish piece in flour, shake excess. Dip in bowl two, shake excess. Drop in bowl three, push crumbs into fish until fully coated. Place on plate. Repeat until all fish pieces are done. 4.) About half way through battering, I like to start heating my oil. About 1/4 inch on medium/high. 5.) When the oil is ready, place 5 to 6 fish pieces in your pan (or whatever will fit, giving them some breathing room). 6.) Prepare a plate covered in paper towels to catch fish sticks when they come out of the oil. 7.) They cook through fast. Pay attention to the color. When they are a deep golden brown, flip. When both sides are sufficiently brown, remove from pan and place on paper towel. Sprinkle with salt immediately. 8.) Repeat for remaining fish sticks, add/heat more oil if necessary. 9.) Yum.

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In all of her cooking videos she is singing in some strange Cookie Monster voice, but we’re thriving and vibing. Plus, she includes the recipes to everything she is making so we can cook just like Jennifer too! Oh, Jennifer you are so wonderful. Here she is making pudding. SHE’S TOO GOOD FOR YOU BEN AFFLECK.

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Today we’re talking pudding, people. Basic, delicious chocolate pudding. It’s easy to make, relatively healthy, and you will absolutely love it. Your kids will love it. The full episode with results is on my Facebook page!  Link in bio. If anyone tries this with non-dairy milks and has success, please let me know! #ineverfoundmyfavoritewhisk #😢#notaprettybaker #PretendCookingShow • @smittenkitchen Best Chocolate Pudding Ingredients: 1/4 cup cornstarch 1/2 cup sugar 1/8 teaspoon salt 3 cups whole milk 6 ounces semi- or bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped (or 1 cup good chocolate chips) 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract • Recipe: 1.) Combine the cornstarch, sugar and salt in a medium saucepan. 2.) Slowly whisk in the milk, in a thin stream at first so lumps don’t form, then more quickly once the cornstarch mixture is smoothly incorporated. 3.) Place over medium-low heat and stir occasionally, scraping the bottom and sides. Whisk as necessary should lumps form. 4.) After 10 minutes or so (slower over low heat is better, to give the cornstarch time to cook), before it starts to simmer, the mixture should begin to thicken, enough that it will coat the back of a spoon. 5.) Add the chocolate, and continue stirring for another 2 to 4 minutes, until chocolate is fully incorporated and mixture is quite thick. 6.) Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla. 7.) If you’re concerned about lumps (🙋🏻‍♀️): run the mixture through a fine-mesh strainer. 8.) Distribute among individual pudding cups or one large serving bowl, chill in the refrigerator until it is cool and set, about 2-3 hours. 9.) If you dislike pudding skin (🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️): put plastic wrap on top of the pudding and smooth it gently against the surface before refrigerating. 10.) Pudding is good for 3 days in the fridge. It won’t last that long. @debperelman and I promise. • 🎶: Great British Baking Show

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The Sims-esque music track that backs all of these videos is so weirdly soothing and so is how she sounds like your best friend from summer camp braiding your hair, when she talks. Just let the world wash away…..

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#PretendCookingShow, Episode 4 brings us one of my favorite “pass-it-back” snacks– you know, those easy snacks you can pass back to hungry kids in a car on the way to wherever your afternoons bring you. Here’s a way to make them at home with ingredients you know and can pronounce. The full episode with results is on my Facebook! Link in bio. #passitbacksnack #sofarsogood #notaprettybaker • Ingredients: 2 cups oats 1 cup unsweetened coconut 1/2 cup wheat germ 1/2 cup sunflower seeds 1/4 cup flaxseed 2 tbls butter 1/2 cup honey 1/4 cup brown sugar 1/2 tsp salt 1 tsp vanilla • Recipe: 1.) Preheat oven to 300 degrees. 2.) Combine dry ingredients. 3.) In saucepan melt the butter, honey, brown sugar, salt and vanilla. 4.) Mix all ingredients together. 5.) Line a 9×9 pan with parchment paper and pack it all in there. 6.) Put in oven for ten minutes. 7.) Take it out. Pack it down again and bake another 10 minutes. 8.) Yum. Let them cool. 9.) If you like chocolate (🙋🏻‍♀️) melt some chocolate with a spoonful of coconut oil/Crisco over a double boiler and drizzle over the bars. 10.) Cut. Enjoy! • 🎶: “Scrapping and Yelling” by Mark Mothersbaugh

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This honey video is NOT from her pretend cooking show, but you need to see how she made the music that “Ohhhhh yeah” sexy song while she handles the honey. It’s hilarious and such a bright spot in our days!!!! We love you Jennifer!!! We watched Love, Simon on an airplane, twice!!

Fucking, incredible.

The Different Kinds Of Voter-Selfies

The “Voting Sticker On The Face” Selfie

We get it. You think you’re soooooo cute and zany by putting your voting sticker on your face. Is it on your cheek? Adorable. Your forehead? Sweet. Over your lips so you can’t say something like “Do I have anything on my face?” We’re glad you voted though, honestly. You’re doing your part and that’s awesome. Thanks!

The “Pointing To My Shirt” Selfie

You’re practical. Your face probably isn’t even in the frame. It’s whatever shirt you’re wearing today, your sticker, and your finger pointing to it. It’s front and center. You want to get your message across. You also probably don’t have makeup on or something otherwise you might have taken an actual selfie, with your face in it. We get it. Polling places aren’t typically all that glamorous and you’re probably grabbing coffee after this in your sweats! Thank you for voting! You’re awesome!

The “Voting Sticker Plus My Kid” Selfie

You want to impress on a younger generation that voting is good! You want your kids to vote! But also look at your kids, everyone! Look at how cute they are! I am such a good parent! Mwahahahahahah. But seriously, thank you for voting. You’re helping change our current (and terrible!) political climate and you truly are setting an example for your children. Good work.

The “Voting Sticker Plus My Dog” Selfie

You want to show off how cute your dog is and also we want you to show off how cute your dog is. We will like this photo instantly. It’s a dog! And you voted. Double win! Good job. Your dog is a Democrat btw.

The “Voting Sticker All Alone” Selfie

You voted, congratulations! But are you someone’s mom or grandparent? This photo is great, because voting! but also like….stand in front of a pretty background or something at least! The dirty floor plus your voting sticker is getting a like (because like we said, voting) but…maybe your daughter can give you some tips for your next “I Voted!” photo. Anyway, good on you! We are very proud and excited.

The “Sexy Voter” Selfie

If your sexy voter selfie is influencing people to vote, then it’s fucking incredible and we love it. Put voter stickers over your nipples. Put it on your butt for a “belfie.” Hell, stick it over your as*hole. Go nuts. I don’t know. Just be an informed and active voter making choices that you think will benefit not just you, but your immediate community, your state, and your country.

It doesn’t matter how you do it (by mail or in person), just as long as you do.

GO VOTE MOTHER F*CKERS

 

(yes, I also just thought of the tumblr quote “it does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop” lol)

November Horoscopes

Aries: You’ve been rushing into everything lately, not pausing to consider what implications are associated with your actions. It’s almost like you’re running as fast as you can so your past can’t catch up with you. The result of doing this one too many times has you feeling emotionally drained. It’s time to confront yourself, and your past, head on. Before we get into the hustle of the holiday season, November is the perfect month to take some time for yourself, little ram. Talk to yourself, reconnect with yourself, know yourself.

Taurus: A true creature of comfort, you’re definitely not known for shaking things up, my tiny Taurus. However, November will have you shirking steadiness and stability in favor of all things new and exciting. If you’ve been in the same job for a while, you’ll soon find yourself taking on a new role or responsibility. If you’ve been single and bored of the dating scene, suddenly a noteworthy crush will appear in your life. So many changes might overwhelm you at first but just go with it! Stay present and enjoy this.

Gemini: Darling Gemini, I know that you are counting down the days until the new year begins. You’re so over 2018 and all of the curveballs that it has thrown you. It feels like no matter what you’ve tried to accomplish this year (in love, work, friendships, and your personal development), something happens and all of sudden, your progress grinds to a halt. In November, just consider all that this year has taught you. Yes, it’s been frustrating but you’ve learned so much. Looking back, you’ll realize this has all made you so much stronger.

Cancer: My perfect little crab, November has only just begun and you’re already making room in your heart (and stomach) for all of the coming festive fun and foods with loved ones. This time of year makes you want to step into your full nurturing power because all you want to do is dote on everyone around you. Just don’t go doing too much too soon, because you’re bound to exhaust your friends and family before Thanksgiving arrives! And remember, it’s not that they don’t appreciate you, it’s just that their cup runneth over with your love and affection! So don’t go skulking away if they politely decline your third dinner party invite this month.

Leo: You’ve been feeling a bit out of your element, lovely Leo. You’re used to being the sparkliest one in the room, the one that everyone looks to for insight and inspiration. But you’re feeling overlooked lately – by friends, your partner, and at work. Do your best to not take it personally to avoid getting into a negative headspace. When you feel ready, talk to your boss, colleagues, friends, and partner to let them know how you’ve been feeling. I promise you that once you confront what’s been bothering you, you’ll be back to your sparkly self in no time.

Virgo: I have a theory that Santa is a Virgo. Think about it. The man is known for his list-making skills and his meticulous checking of said lists. His Virgo brand is strong! Just like Santa, all my Virgos are out here writing their holiday to-dos, painstakingly researching the perfect gifts for their loved ones, and already thinking about their resolutions for 2019. Try to not get fixated on perfecting the small details of everything, otherwise, you’ll miss out on all the fun that is to come.

Libra: You feel at your happiest when you feel equal with the people who matter to you. Harmony is something that you always strive for in your relationships and friendships but when others aren’t singing your song, you feel completely out of tune. Just because a friend or your partner doesn’t want to do what you want to do or doesn’t share your opinion about something, it doesn’t mean that your world is tumbling down. Do your best to break out of your co-dependent nature this month. It will only benefit you!

Scorpio: In the midst of Scorpio season, you’re at your most mysterious. You’re prone to equating your emotions as your deepest, darkest secrets that will never see the light of day. You’re only doing yourself more harm than good by keeping them bottled up. If you’ve been avoiding telling someone how you feel about them, there’s no time like the present. Open up new realms of intimacy and love! I promise you that it’s not as scary as it seems!

Sagittarius: Oh Sag, you’ve been too easy on yourself lately. Yes, I know that you’ve been feeling overwhelmed by every single little thing that going on but time for some tough love. You’re a Sag, goddamnit! Even if you’re not feeling very lucky, bright, or shiny, remember that if you put a little bit more effort into what you’re doing, you have the potential to turn everything around. Just keep pushing through to the other side of whatever you have going on. Don’t give up! You are on the brink of greatness.

Capricorn: This month, you’ll put your steadfastness and dedication to good use for a friend who has fallen off their path. They’ll be looking to you to be their example of how they can put things back together. Your perpetual stability and practicality provide so much comfort to others and of course, you’re more than happy to play the part of the friend who has it all together. Just don’t let them drain you of all your energy.

Aquarius: Let’s face it, you haven’t been doing the best job of taking care of yourself. In order to avoid a mid-winter physical breakdown, now is the time to change this. Start small – make a doctor or therapist appointment, buy some vitamins, meditate for 15 minutes. Then muse about how you can translate these small acts into healthy, self-care habits. You’re not one to back down from a challenge so let’s see what you can do!

Pisces: You know that big project that you’ve been daydreaming about forever? Time to make it a reality, dearest Pisces. Everything will be aligned for you to fulfill your goals, as long as you can prioritize your efforts. If you can keep yourself motivated, there’s no limit to what you can accomplish. As much as the world will try to distract you, just stay the course.

Why I’m Trying To No Longer Be A Tchotchke-Person

I come from a family of collectors. My father used to collect Elvis memorabilia when I was a kid, and I remember his whole office was full of it. My grandmother used to collect coffee cups and had a special display case for them. My mom liked to collect anything pirate-themed. My sister collected and still collects soaps. I seem to collect tchotchkes, and with them–dust and clutter.

It has been brought to my attention that some people may not know what the word tchotchke means, and to that I say “what?” Because apparently no one has heard of the Yiddish word for “trinket,” pronounced “chot-ch-kee.” Except these things are trinkets and also they’re less than that. They’re garbage art. They’re matches from cool restaurants and sparkly hair clips and hand-painted little trays and funny lighters and weird shit I’ve been given or found. I would say 1 in 7 of these objects are kept sentimentally and the rest seriously need to go into the trash. These trinkets also seem to be a great hiding place for hair ties, hair pins, dust, trash, and 4-year-old lip glosses.

My collection was keeping my room from being orderly, made labeling moving boxes practically impossible, and gave my best friend Andrew a heart attack every time he has ever had to look at my bedroom dresser. Luckily, I have recently gone through a series of moves both independently and with my family that have enabled me to throw away a lot of the junk I had accumulated (even some of the things I was sentimental about). I’m trying to keep it that way.

There is something so beautiful about a dresser with just a mirror, framed art, and maybe a candle or two as opposed to the 4 pens from Ping Pong in Chicago that I stole, my ex-boyfriend’s iPhone head phones, like 48 crystals of various colors and abilities, and some restaurant mints.

The best example that I can give you is from the iconic Mary Kate and Ashley film, New York Minute.

Ashley opens her closet to calming color-coded minimalism.

Mary Kate opens her closet to…this

I know this is a closet and not my dresser, but the Chex Mix bag and the bra and the umbrella say otherwise (items likely found on my dresser amidst a weird mini-porcelain doll from Solvang, a press pass from the Pizza Experience, and a snow globe that says “Virginia Is for Lovers”.

I’m not doing this for cleanliness, I’m doing this for minimalism. Moving fucking blows btw and I have had to do it 4 times this year, disregarding the countless trips I took independently where I had to haul my jewelry, skincare, and travel candle around the continental U.S. Having less stuff is just a life hack for an easier life if you’re on the move (which I am, all of the time apparently). No, you don’t need to fully “Marie Kondo” your place,  but I am saying having less shit on your dresser and shoved into drawers and on your nightstand could make yours and is making my room/house/life feel less stressful.

My tchotchkes all had an energy. That energy was crowding my life. I even threw away my ex boyfriend’s headphones. It probably had his ear wax in it (nasty) and one of the pods didn’t work anyway.

So I guess this is to say, please stop giving me things. If I tell you I want a souvenir from Seattle, please stop me unless it’s a sweatshirt or one of those Sleepless In Seattle pajama tops. I don’t need to keep restaurant matches unless I’m storing them in my purse (for emergency candle lighting). Don’t offer me gemstone coasters or a sparkly dish for my rings. Don’t give me a porcelain pony or a photo of Hillary Clinton. I am trying to declutter my life and embrace minimalism. I am trying not to be a tchotchke person.