Amanda Bynes Is Back, You Guys!!

And we’re so fucking excited.

Though it’s been a while since we’ve seen or heard anything about Ms. Bynes, she’s taking over the internet once again. But instead of the usual shit post about her appearance or her mental health, Bynes is taking over her own narrative by gracing the cover of Paper Magazine and let me tell you, she looks and sounds fucking GOOD.

The talented actress turned fashion student looks nothing short of glam in her plaid blazer, silk shirt, and acid washed jeans? Are those? We spy an intense Western wear-inspired belt buckle too which we LOVVVEEE. Also look at the hair! The face! The makeup! Honey, we have come such a long way from 2013!

What we learned from the Paper Mag piece is that Bynes is into Post Malone (same), HBO’s Insecure (wow, also same), basically started Channing Tatum’s acting career, dreams of having her own fashion line (and has already designed some original pieces!!), wants to re-enter showbiz, and that she is genuinely excited for the future and feeling good–which is honestly the only thing that matters.

What really made us tear up was this part righttttt here:

Sometimes society confuses agreeableness or niceness with blandness or, even worse, weakness — especially when it’s a trait exhibited by a young woman — but make no mistake: Bynes is neither bland nor weak. She’s a woman who still possesses that same expressive sense of humor that first won over producers for All That as well as a type of thoughtfulness and self-awareness that comes with age — and gets amplified when you’ve had to navigate some dark waters.

That’s our fucking, gIRL RIGHT THERE!!!

We can’t wait to see everything Amanda will do in 2019. If you don’t plan on celebrating her return, leave! Good vibes only! BYE!

Now bring in the dancin’ lobstas!!!!

 

Don’t Smile Because It’s Over, Cry Because It Happened: Remembering Literally Anything

Pop legend Sky Ferreira once said, “Everything is embarrassing,” and I couldn’t agree more. Everything is so embarrassing all the time, and frankly–I love to forget. God bless my brain for blacking out all the bad stuff I’ve done sober and drunk but also god damn my brain for remembering it at 10:03 p.m. when I’ve just smeared La Mer cream on my face and settled in to bed.

I’m trying to relax! Not trying to flashback to the time I splashed nail polish remover into my eye at Arielle Shamash’s 2nd grade sleepover party and her parents had to call my mom to come get me in case I had burned my eyeball out of its socket!

It’s always when my brain is at rest. I’m in the shower after a long day. I’m exfoliating. I’m using my rose scented bodywash. I’m deep conditioning. I’m having a great time. I am suddenly remembering how I used to IM my middle school crush when he was signed off, believing he would never get it–and professing my undying love. Why!! Is!! This!! Happening!! Now!!!

My brain at rest is a nightmare. She is so bored she is looking for scabs to pick on my temporal lobe. She wants to murder me! She hates that I’m calm!! She doesn’t want to think about lunch (she only wants to do that when I’m working) or what I should wear. She doesn’t want to meditate or focus on The Sopranos. No. Now that I’m cozy she wants to remind me about drunkenly throwing up on my lawn and also that time a girl was mean to me.

I can’t recall every time I’ve ever cried in public, but my brain does! And she wants to remind me. Isn’t it wild how this thing that tells me how and when to eat, speak, write, and breath, wants this for me???

She loves spiraling that messy mind of mine, starting with something small and graduating to bigger and more disgusting things. I may have just crawled in to bed to get some shut eye, but I’m getting 20-minute foreplay of wincing and anxiety.

One time I heard Pete Holmes say, “the mind is a terrible master but an excellent servant.” So I’m trying to get more in control. I’m trying to gently guide her away from damaging memories of dropping toddlers, farting in front of ex boyfriends, and green things in my teeth, by gently guiding her over to better things. What are 5 things that I enjoyed about today? Name 10 things I feel grateful for. What one thing would make me feel better right now? Has anything changed? What has become better?

But sometimes honestly, it’s a losing battle, and when it feels impossible I have a secret weapon. Ativan. It puts her right TF to sleep.

Night night, bitch.

 

Six Non-Obvious Things To Be Thankful For

We’ve got a lot of shit to be thankful for, like family, friends, our health, our homes, and of course our readers (we love you). Despite our hardships, we know that we’re extremely fortunate to have what we have. And tomorrow when we sit around a Thanksgiving table and reflect on what exactly we feel grateful for, the aforementioned things are definitely towards the top of the list. But we thought it was equally as important to shoutout some of the non-obvious things that we are so goddamn lucky to have in our lives. Let’s raise a glass of whatever you’ve got on hand to this incomplete and unranked list of unsung heroes!

  • The next phase of Ariana Grande’s artistry
  • Hot people who haven’t been born yet
  • The record number of women heading to Congress!
  • New holiday shit dropping from Fenty Beauty
  • Meghan Markle’s teenage photo in front of Buckingham Palace
  • Fermented foods going mainstream

I Am Incredibly Passionate About Trader Joe’s Organic Jasmine Rice

My grandmother gave me a rice cooker for my birthday (or maybe it was Christmas, I don’t remember. Sorry, Grandma). I wanted to make perfectly fluffy, a little bit sticky, definitely delicious, white rice.

I grew up in a home where rice was made on the stove in a pot with water. It was always either a little too hard or a little too soft, and if I made it it was definitely burned.

The rice cooker helped some. I still somehow always burned the bottom layer, making a crunchy rice shell that I would peel and eat (not as disgusting as it sounds, I promise).  The rice was better if I made it with chicken stock as opposed to water–a tip I learned from the wife of a friend of my father’s over lunch at Nobu.

BUT IT WAS NEVER FUCKING RIGHT AND NEVER EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED AND I WANTED PERFECTLY FLUFFY AND DELICIOUS WHITE RICE,DAMNIT.

Enter Trader Joe’s.

One day I ate my sister’s leftover rice in our refrigerator. It was sitting there in a tupperware, and I microwaved it. “This is some restaurant-quality fucking rice!” I thought to myself as I shoveled spoonfuls down my gullet before she came home from work. “I’ll have to ask her where she got it!”

Aside from being annoyed that I had consumed her food, my sister told me that the rice was actually from Trader Joe’s. “Like, is it pre-made?” I asked. “Like, did you get it in a little container or something? Do they have a hot bar now?”

“No!” She told me. “It’s frozen!”

Pardon????

So basically, this beautiful delicious rice that tastes just as good leftover as it does the day you make it, comes in a 3-pack at Trader Joe’s. The box reads “Microwave perfect in 3 minutes” and they are not lying. This rice has been perfect every single damn time I have ever made it. It’s lightly sticky but still fluffy, it’s never burned (make it in 3 minutes exactly), it’s never too hard or too watery or too soft.

According to TJ’s it’s “Grown in the valleys of Northern Thailand on farms with fertile soil and natural rain water. This rice is a premium, organic product grown with intensive care.”

I don’t care if this rice is from the Thai restaurant down the street, it’s really stinkin’ good and one pouch is enough to feed two people if you’re pairing it with a vegetables, a meat, or a soup. Trader Joe’s also offers a brown rice but it’s nasty because it’s brown rice and I hate it. There is also a wild rice variety that I also find gross! But this white rice is….divine. Simply divine.

I’ve had it alone, alone with butter, with Asian cucumber salad, with chicken, with curry, with red pepper soup, with beans, as part of a burrito bowl, and I would probably eat it any way that it was served to me because I am devoted to TJ’S white rice now!

I’m going to need you not to be a skeptic right now. This microwaved rice is life changing–especially if you suck at making rice for yourself. Seriously, in college I would walk to the Walgreens on Clark and Diversey (Chi till I die bb) and pick up their pre-made rice that I would microwave and cry about because it was terrible.

This rice is wonderful.

And it’s from Trader Joe’s so it’s budget-friendly and it’s a 3-pack so that’s actually like a few different meals you can make.

Have I converted you yet?

10 Things I Would Rather Be Cuffed To Than A Relationship This Cuffing Season

It’s cuffing season!!! Time to cuff yourself to a person who can be your significant other until summer when you recklessly abandon them for a slew of summer flings. Or not. Cuffing season is kind of stupid. Why do you need someone because baby it’s cold outside? Answer: BABY YA DON’T.

I can think of 10 things I would rather be cuffed to than a person my family will interrogate me about all Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine’s Day, long. It sounds so much more interesting to have to explain why I am chained to this Kettle Corn stand than to have to re-tell the story of how Joshua and I met on an app to my 87-year-old second cousin Ruth.

My Bathtub

Sounds amazing, tbh.

My Bed

Again, sounds incredible.

A Really Good Sushi Restaurant

After all of my money is gone from eating sushi, I would start an unlikely friendship with one of the sushi chefs who is actually experimenting with the menu and she would toss me some of her creations for me to try and give my opinion on. Yes, there would be some clunkers, but I’m sure most of it would be pretty good. This is a really good sushi restaurant after all. Plus, new friend. Yay!

A Mug of Tea

It’s not like a magical one or anything, I would have to replenish it. Could also come in handy if I need to beat off an attacker or throw hot liquid in someone’s face.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg

So I could protect her physically and also learn a lot of cool stuff, I’m sure.

Rihanna

Do I even need to explain this one.

Target’s Hair Care Aisle

This is the most exciting aisle in Target aside from the candle aisle. I wouldn’t want to be handcuffed to the candle aisle because it is too smelly. In the hair care aisle I could fix my dead ends, dry shampoo my roots, and experiment with headbands.

A Reusable Water Bottle

It would remind me to stay hydrated. No man has EVER done that for me.

A Cute Dog

I would LOVE to be cuffed to a cute dog. Me and my babe, forever! Let’s walk and talk and cuddle, you speechless hairy baby! Only downside is possibly fleas/potty time.

The Kettle Corn Stand At A Farmer’s Market

Kettle corn is fucking amazing and it always smells so good over there.

 

 

Jennifer Garner’s Pretend Cooking Show Is The Only Joy We Have Left In This World

We wanted to be her best friend when she was Jenna Rink, and we want to be her best friend now. Jennifer Garner just seems like such a fucking great person and we could watch her pretend cooking show for hours.

The show is exclusively on her Instagram, which may or may not be the best place on the internet. In a world where opening Twitter can send you into a depression spiral, we’re so thankful that J. Garn exists.

Her latest (non Halloween) cooking video is all about salad. She doesn’t use croutons because if she wants some crunch, she just adds crunchy vegetables or nuts. Omfg. Jennifer you beautiful genius!!! We are NEVER going to use that tip in real life because croutons rule! But we love it and you.

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SALAD: ⬅️ used to mean limp carrot shavings and too cold tomatoes. NOW ➡️ salads are a celebration of what is seasonal and handy. They are also what’s for lunch. Always. #PretendCookingShow #fullepisodeonIGTV! . A blend of greens! Kale  Arugula Sweet mix  Swiss chard . Veggies!  Green beans  Broccoli  Peppers  Shaved Brussels sprouts  Roasted sweet potatoes/butternut squash . Fats!  Cheese  Nuts  Avocado . Grains/Protein A big scoop of warm brown rice  Chicken Whatever else sounds good. . Dressing of your choice! I use straight olive oil and red wine/balsamic vinegar. . The key for me is to pick a variety of the above and CHOP it up so that you aren’t battling a dinner plate sized honk of lettuce every other bite.

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How fucking calming is it to watch Jennifer Garner sing “in you gooooo” to some fish sticks? Answer: TRULY calming as fuck. These are homemade fish sticks that she is making for her family!! The absolute nutrition. Plus, she keeps it real by taking a big bite. “I need a beer,” she says. Jen we’ll grab one for you from the fridge if you tell us what shelf the ketchup is on! Or is she more of a condiments in the door kind of gal? You decide.

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#PretendCookingShow— fish sticks! They’re fast. They’re delicious. #makeextra 🌟Full episode is on #IGTV🌟 . Ingredients: 1 lb of tilapia 1/4 cup of flour Salt Pepper 1 egg 1 cup Panko Bread Crumbs (regular or whole wheat) 3/4 cup Corn Flake Crumbs (or any sweet cereal you like, smashed to bits) Canola oil (or oil of your preference) . Directions: 1.) Trim your tilapia into fish stick size pieces. You want them to be of similar size and thickness. There is always one side of the fillet that is thinner so I make those into “wide and flat sticks” 🤷‍♀️ 2.) Gather three bowls to use for your batter station. . Bowl 1: 1/4 cup of flour, a few big pinches of salt, about a teaspoon of fresh ground pepper. Bowl 2: crack one egg, add a little water, mix with a fork. Bowl 3: combine the Panko and corn flake crumbs. Have an empty plate ready to catch your fish sticks when they are battered. . 3.) Start at bowl one, coat fish piece in flour, shake excess. Dip in bowl two, shake excess. Drop in bowl three, push crumbs into fish until fully coated. Place on plate. Repeat until all fish pieces are done. 4.) About half way through battering, I like to start heating my oil. About 1/4 inch on medium/high. 5.) When the oil is ready, place 5 to 6 fish pieces in your pan (or whatever will fit, giving them some breathing room). 6.) Prepare a plate covered in paper towels to catch fish sticks when they come out of the oil. 7.) They cook through fast. Pay attention to the color. When they are a deep golden brown, flip. When both sides are sufficiently brown, remove from pan and place on paper towel. Sprinkle with salt immediately. 8.) Repeat for remaining fish sticks, add/heat more oil if necessary. 9.) Yum.

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In all of her cooking videos she is singing in some strange Cookie Monster voice, but we’re thriving and vibing. Plus, she includes the recipes to everything she is making so we can cook just like Jennifer too! Oh, Jennifer you are so wonderful. Here she is making pudding. SHE’S TOO GOOD FOR YOU BEN AFFLECK.

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Today we’re talking pudding, people. Basic, delicious chocolate pudding. It’s easy to make, relatively healthy, and you will absolutely love it. Your kids will love it. The full episode with results is on my Facebook page!  Link in bio. If anyone tries this with non-dairy milks and has success, please let me know! #ineverfoundmyfavoritewhisk #😢#notaprettybaker #PretendCookingShow • @smittenkitchen Best Chocolate Pudding Ingredients: 1/4 cup cornstarch 1/2 cup sugar 1/8 teaspoon salt 3 cups whole milk 6 ounces semi- or bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped (or 1 cup good chocolate chips) 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract • Recipe: 1.) Combine the cornstarch, sugar and salt in a medium saucepan. 2.) Slowly whisk in the milk, in a thin stream at first so lumps don’t form, then more quickly once the cornstarch mixture is smoothly incorporated. 3.) Place over medium-low heat and stir occasionally, scraping the bottom and sides. Whisk as necessary should lumps form. 4.) After 10 minutes or so (slower over low heat is better, to give the cornstarch time to cook), before it starts to simmer, the mixture should begin to thicken, enough that it will coat the back of a spoon. 5.) Add the chocolate, and continue stirring for another 2 to 4 minutes, until chocolate is fully incorporated and mixture is quite thick. 6.) Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla. 7.) If you’re concerned about lumps (🙋🏻‍♀️): run the mixture through a fine-mesh strainer. 8.) Distribute among individual pudding cups or one large serving bowl, chill in the refrigerator until it is cool and set, about 2-3 hours. 9.) If you dislike pudding skin (🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️): put plastic wrap on top of the pudding and smooth it gently against the surface before refrigerating. 10.) Pudding is good for 3 days in the fridge. It won’t last that long. @debperelman and I promise. • 🎶: Great British Baking Show

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The Sims-esque music track that backs all of these videos is so weirdly soothing and so is how she sounds like your best friend from summer camp braiding your hair, when she talks. Just let the world wash away…..

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#PretendCookingShow, Episode 4 brings us one of my favorite “pass-it-back” snacks– you know, those easy snacks you can pass back to hungry kids in a car on the way to wherever your afternoons bring you. Here’s a way to make them at home with ingredients you know and can pronounce. The full episode with results is on my Facebook! Link in bio. #passitbacksnack #sofarsogood #notaprettybaker • Ingredients: 2 cups oats 1 cup unsweetened coconut 1/2 cup wheat germ 1/2 cup sunflower seeds 1/4 cup flaxseed 2 tbls butter 1/2 cup honey 1/4 cup brown sugar 1/2 tsp salt 1 tsp vanilla • Recipe: 1.) Preheat oven to 300 degrees. 2.) Combine dry ingredients. 3.) In saucepan melt the butter, honey, brown sugar, salt and vanilla. 4.) Mix all ingredients together. 5.) Line a 9×9 pan with parchment paper and pack it all in there. 6.) Put in oven for ten minutes. 7.) Take it out. Pack it down again and bake another 10 minutes. 8.) Yum. Let them cool. 9.) If you like chocolate (🙋🏻‍♀️) melt some chocolate with a spoonful of coconut oil/Crisco over a double boiler and drizzle over the bars. 10.) Cut. Enjoy! • 🎶: “Scrapping and Yelling” by Mark Mothersbaugh

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This honey video is NOT from her pretend cooking show, but you need to see how she made the music that “Ohhhhh yeah” sexy song while she handles the honey. It’s hilarious and such a bright spot in our days!!!! We love you Jennifer!!! We watched Love, Simon on an airplane, twice!!

Fucking, incredible.

The Different Kinds Of Voter-Selfies

The “Voting Sticker On The Face” Selfie

We get it. You think you’re soooooo cute and zany by putting your voting sticker on your face. Is it on your cheek? Adorable. Your forehead? Sweet. Over your lips so you can’t say something like “Do I have anything on my face?” We’re glad you voted though, honestly. You’re doing your part and that’s awesome. Thanks!

The “Pointing To My Shirt” Selfie

You’re practical. Your face probably isn’t even in the frame. It’s whatever shirt you’re wearing today, your sticker, and your finger pointing to it. It’s front and center. You want to get your message across. You also probably don’t have makeup on or something otherwise you might have taken an actual selfie, with your face in it. We get it. Polling places aren’t typically all that glamorous and you’re probably grabbing coffee after this in your sweats! Thank you for voting! You’re awesome!

The “Voting Sticker Plus My Kid” Selfie

You want to impress on a younger generation that voting is good! You want your kids to vote! But also look at your kids, everyone! Look at how cute they are! I am such a good parent! Mwahahahahahah. But seriously, thank you for voting. You’re helping change our current (and terrible!) political climate and you truly are setting an example for your children. Good work.

The “Voting Sticker Plus My Dog” Selfie

You want to show off how cute your dog is and also we want you to show off how cute your dog is. We will like this photo instantly. It’s a dog! And you voted. Double win! Good job. Your dog is a Democrat btw.

The “Voting Sticker All Alone” Selfie

You voted, congratulations! But are you someone’s mom or grandparent? This photo is great, because voting! but also like….stand in front of a pretty background or something at least! The dirty floor plus your voting sticker is getting a like (because like we said, voting) but…maybe your daughter can give you some tips for your next “I Voted!” photo. Anyway, good on you! We are very proud and excited.

The “Sexy Voter” Selfie

If your sexy voter selfie is influencing people to vote, then it’s fucking incredible and we love it. Put voter stickers over your nipples. Put it on your butt for a “belfie.” Hell, stick it over your as*hole. Go nuts. I don’t know. Just be an informed and active voter making choices that you think will benefit not just you, but your immediate community, your state, and your country.

It doesn’t matter how you do it (by mail or in person), just as long as you do.

GO VOTE MOTHER F*CKERS

 

(yes, I also just thought of the tumblr quote “it does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop” lol)