I’ll just be forthright with you all – I’m not exactly an active person. I’m essentially an overgrown indoors kid. Bookish type who would have thrived in the era of fainting couches is really the vibe I give off.
Over the past few years though, I have had various stages and spurts of being INTO exercise/fitness culture. In 2015, the workout app SworkIt was my go-to thing for at-home “strength training”. I even bought some 5 and 8 pound dumbbells from Amazon! Summer 2016 was when I took up running every day and could actually run an 7.5 minute mile. It was also the summer that I ended a 3 year long relationship, moved out the apartment we shared, lived with my mom, and got laid off all in the same month. You could I was trying to run away from my problems like a cliched metaphor come to life.
In 2017, I moved into a new apartment and started going “out” on a regular basis for the first time since college. I went through a phase of going to small clubs in Cambridge and dancing until my t-shirt would cling to my back with sweat. I also finally started dating again and went through the anxiety-ridden yet fun process of falling in love, which meant I was often too overcome with emotions to even remember eating. As a result, I was the thinnest that I had ever been in my adult life but wasn’t actually fit or strong.
My lack of strength really came to a head in 2018 when I struggled to open a heavy glass door in front of my coworkers. The next day I joined the expensive boxing gym across the street from my office. That’s right – I had been less than 30 feet away from achieving some level of Physical Fitness for over a year and it took an embarrassing glass door incident to get me into the gym. Shameful, I know.
The thing with a boxing gym is that the vibes are extremely intense. The gym was called Everybody Fights, for Christ’s sake. Music blared all the time and the trainers showed little mercy for my frail ass. There was one time though, when I was trying to swing a kettlebell and the trainer stopped me to give me an inflatable kettlebell. She couldn’t stand idly by watching me struggle so she subbed out the real weight with what essentially was a dodgeball with a handle attached. I never really recovered from the Kettlebell Incident and very quickly lost the motivation to go to the gym.
But now that 2019 has arrived, I’m feeling somewhat determined to get into fitness yet again! And while I probably should start small with a few classes before I go committing to something else intense or expensive that will most likely be short-lived, I’ve already found my new obsession: The DB Method Machine.
I won’t even try to sweet talk my way through this – it’s an at-home squat machine, or as the DB Method describes it, “the ultimate lower body strength and toning machine designed exclusively for the butt.” Its sole purpose is to help you do perfect squats. It costs $229 (plus $20 shipping) and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since two Instagram influencers I follow storied themselves using it while in their underwear. You can even fold it away and store in your closet or under your bed.
Yes, it’s borderline ridiculous, like a Shake Weight for your ass, but I can’t help but love it the idea of it. It almost looks fun! Like it would take the grueling and hard part out of exercising, which really appeals to my sloth girl vibe. I could finally watch all of Call the Midwife while toning and firming my butt! Sure, there is zero cardiovascular element involved and it won’t even tone my arms but my lower body will be out of control hot!
So should I buy it? Don’t all scream YES at once!