This Is Your Life On Mercury Retrograde

We’re blaming this sh*t for EVERYTHING

Forgetting your car keys inside your already locked home

Spilling coffee down your shirt even though you’re using a straw

Walking into closing elevator doors

Your computer freezing

Your phone freezing

Your brain freezing

Crying at work

Forgetting your lunch

Having a pimple

Having three pimples

Food stuck in your teeth

Spelling erroerss

Instagram is down

Your tweet got 0 likes

Burned toast

Split ends

Your podcast only halfway downloaded and now you’re in a dead zone for another hour

Getting a ticket

A sunburn

Getting ghosted

Getting into a fight

A hair in your food

Choking on literally nothing

Battery dies in your vibrator

No one telling you you have a booger

Getting your period in white pants

Getting your period in any pants, really

A text from your ex

No wifi

 

 

 

This Is What Party Food You Would Be According to The Zodiac

Inspired by my recent attendance at a party with fabulous snacks!

Yes, there are a lot of dips!

Also…qualifying everything as apps!

Aries: Buffalo Chicken Dip

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WW friendly buffalo chicken dip served with corn thins for this football Sunday night. Wow! I never get much interest on my posts so I don’t usually post the recipes. But keep reading for the recipe 😀 . . . . 🔸2 of the bigger cans of chunk chicken breast (or use @_laurengrace_eats crockpot shredded chicken if you have it on hand) 🔸1/2 cup @franksredhot 🔸1/2 cup fat free ranch 🔸1/2 cup reduced fat Mexican blend cheese 🔸 1 block fat free cream cheese 🔹set your oven to 350°. Bake for 20 mins. Take it out and sprinkle with a little more cheese. Bake for 5 more mins. I put mine in a 9×9 baking dish. I love buffalo chicken dip and could eat the entire pan. I get 6 servings out of it at 3FSP each! Or 18FSP for the whole dish and cut it into as many servings as you see fit. Serve with @nabiscosnacks corn thins 😀 . . . . #ww #weightwatchers #wwfreestyle #weightwatchersfreestyle #itrackbites #flexprogram #smartpoints #freestyle #wwig #wwinstagram #wwfam #wwinstafam #weightloss #weightlossjourney #wwsisters #wwsisterhood #weighin #weightloss #weightlossjourney #loseit #caloriecounting #lunch #bcd #buffalochickendip #goodthins #cornthins

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Depending on who you are (and who made you) you can be a little spicy–just like this dip! Under your baked exterior you have a gooey, cheesy heart. Someone just needs to a sharp enough chip or cracker to break through!

Taurus: Chips and Onion Dip

Taurus, you’re a classic. We can’t get enough of you. No matter if you’re homemade or store-bought, you’re everybody’s favorite party app because you bring the grounding flavors that leave people coming back for more.

Gemini: Shrimp Cocktail

First of all, don’t you dare be offended Gemini. Shrimp cocktail is good AF!!!! You’re fresh and tangy, just like this shellfish and tomato combo. Plus, because you’re easily bored we made you an app that’s fun to eat! Don’t forget to douse yourself in lemon, first.

Cancer: Mozzarella Sticks

Yes, we made you the warmest and gooiest snack, Cancer. You are comfort and indulgence both in food and in personality! Everybody feels cozier after having a taste–except the lactose adverse. You can’t please everyone!

Leo: Guacamole

Your commitment to receiving the most attention makes you a solid option for guacamole. Guess what people always want more of? Guac. Guess what always costs extra? Guac. Plus, it helps that eating avocado is actually great for that lion’s mane you call hair.

Virgo: Caprese Skewers

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I know, I know… Christmas just got over and the LAST thing you wanna think about is planning your New Year's party.🤦🏻‍♀️ But I gotchu😉👍🏼 These caprese skewers are low-calorie (less than 40 calories per skewer) with protein and veggies to hold your guests over til the main event.🎊🥂🍾 SO delicious with a reduced balsamic drizzle!😋👌🏼 Recipe created in collab with @abby and @tfn_team. . ✳️#NutritionTip: A 2013 scientific review of 29 controlled studies showed that dairy does have modest weight-loss benefits, at least in short-term, calorie-restricted instances. In other words, if you tolerate dairy, there's no reason to cut it out of your fat loss plan. Full research article on the health effects of dairy is linked on the blog! . In other news, today will be the first day hitting the gym in 8 days!😱 In the past, this might have stressed me out, but I’ve learned the value of having a deload week now and then😉 . 🍅Caprese Skewers🍃 Makes 6 servings . 🍅Ingredients: 24 toothpicks 48 cherry tomatoes 24 mozzarella balls 48 small basil leaves 1/4 cup balsamic vinegar 1/2 tsp. dried oregano (optional garnish) . *Substitutions and directions on the blog ➡️➡️➡️ www.noexcusesnutrition.com (link in bio, scroll to recent posts) . 🍃Calories (per serving = 4 skewers, including optionals): 148kcal, Fat: 9.3g, Sat fat: 6.1g, Carbs: 6g, Fiber: 2g, Sugar: 4g, Protein: 10g, Sodium: 117mg🍅 #NENsavoryrecipes . . . . . #capreseskewers #easyrecipes #healthyholidays #highprotein #lowcarb #eatyourveggies #glutenfree #realfood #healthyrecipes #healthyfoodshare #fitfood #fitfoodie #eatclean #cleaneats #IIFYM #ifitfitsyourmacros #flexibledieting #fuelyourbody #eatrealfood #foodisfuel #homecooking #nutritionist

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Okay, first of all look how pretty! Virgo you care about organization and aesthetics and this app is all about execution! Plus, knowing your secret temper you may have saved a few of those skewers in your pocket for later in case you need to confront whoever has been messing up the arrangement of the chicken nuggets!

Libra: Fried Macaroni Balls

Libra baby, you’re all fun on the outside and all warm and soft on the inside. You’re all about this balance of flavors and textures. Like macaroni balls, you charm everyone you meet so don’t be surprised if there are quite a few people crowding around your plate.

Scorpio: Chicken Wings

You’re oh so seductive Scorpio, just like wings in all flavors. Whether you’re boneless or bone-in, you offer so much to those who eat you and they relish the flavors (and personalities) you put on. You don’t need ranch or bleu cheese to make you a more palatable snack or person, it’s purely complementary.

Sagittarius: Pigs in A Blanket

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Mini crescent dogs #pigsinablanket

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You’re just a juicy surprise inside a flaky warm bun!! We made you a pig in a blanket because you love adventure (so you’re portable) and typically don’t give a floop what anyone thinks about your or what sauces you’re dipped in. You’re full of protein (and energy) but you have a soft side too. Plus, we could seriously eat 1000000 of you. You’re the best.

Capricorn: Chicken Nuggets

Chicken nuggets are not bland and boring, they are an absolute party STAPLE. If we come through to your party and there are no chicken nugz……we’re leaving. That’s also how we feel about Capricorns. Why stay anywhere there aren’t any of those guys? They work so hard to pair perfectly with every dip and sauce. Plus, they can be enjoyed as a main and not just an app–so versatile, so creative–just like a Cap!

Aquarius: Bagel Bites

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PIZZA BAGELS 🤘🏼🍕😛 #hungryhungry

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My wayward Aquarian, you’re a bagel bite. You’re a little outside the box as far as snacks go, but everyone gets freakin excited as hell when they see you. You’re also cute as fuck JUST like a mini bagel.

Pisces: Mini Quiche

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Mini quiche-uri 🧀🍅🥦 Crustă fragedă din pâte brisée, zis şi “aluat franţuzesc”, umplutură savuroasă ”scăldată-n” smântână și ouă de casă, acoperite c-o mână bună de cașcaval gustos și date la cuptor până se rumenesc frumos. Mini quiche-urile sunt varianta drăguță, gustoasă și deosebită a petrecerilor de birou. Comode la aranjat și lesne la servit, ele nu necesită veselă suplimentară și-ți economisesc o mulțime de timp. De asemenea, de mare ajutor sunt la petrecerile celor mici, unde fiecare copilaș are mini tarta sa și nu se ceartă nimeni pentr-o felie anumită, căci toate mini quiche-urile sunt la fel. În imagini sunt două tipuri de mini tarte sărate: 🥦 Montpellier: file de pui, ciuperci, broccoli 🧀 Alma: spanac, ricotta, Parmezan, ouă de prepeliță. Pregătim și alte feluri de mini quiche-uri atât vegetariene cât și cu carne. Pentru detalii scrie-ne un mesaj sau sună ☎️069562107.

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You love being posted up all cozy so like your water sister Cancer, you’re a very cozy-making app. You want to give your friends the most, and so you offer them a little of everything–which is why mini quiches come in so many flavors. They’re the Pisces of the frozen food aisle. Never crust-less tho…obvi.

This Is What Pasta Dish You Would Be According To The Zodiac

Aries

Just like penne, you have pointy edges to your personality that you use to either attack or defend your friends and foes. You also have a spicy side, just like penne amatriciana!

Taurus

Taurans are reliable, grounded, and classic, just like spaghetti and meatballs. You can dress them up or dress them down, but at the end of the day it’s still a dish (and a zodiac sign) you have no problem with.

Gemini

People tend to worry about you twisty little freaks, and for good reason–you can turn on a dime. While you might seem and even taste delicious and buttery, nothing will get you sick quicker than bad shellfish. For that reason, Geminis are linguine with clams.

Cancer

My precious Cancer babes, you’re a bowl of warm and comforting gnocchi. At the end of the day, you just want to feed your soul–and your face.

Leo

You always want to be the main event, so Leo you’re a pasta dish that is basically a layer cake. You are a lasagna and you’re magnificent. Are you happy now??

Virgo

Virgo I know you crave order, tradition, and as much control as possible. But you still like to think that you’re fun! That’s why you’re this twist on a classic–bacon mac and cheese.

Libra

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Pud thai 📍Lebih banyak lagi di 👉#cecehlaper_thaifood 。 Rasa 美味: 🥢🥢🥢🥢🥢 Tempat 环境:🥢🥢🥢🥢 Service 服务: 🥢🥢🥢🥢 。 Sore ini ceceh icip pud thai di @yingthai_indonesia. Pud thai nya kaya bumbu bgt, bener2 brasa makan pud thai di thailand 😊. N porsinya super buanyakkk. Puas d mam #pudthai di sini. Campurannya ada udang kering, telur, babi, kacang n sayuran 😍 . 📍Yingthai 💰62k 。 ================ #cecehlaper #anakjajan #nomnomnom #jktfoodbang #kulineraddict #instayummy #yumyum  #jktfooddestination #f52grams #feedfeed #foodshare #kuliner #instaeat #dietmulaibesok #gagaldiet #laperbaper #sukamakan #jktculinary #lapar #eaaaats #wonderfood #foodnesia #ourfoodstories #jktgoodfood #wowkuliner . #yingthai #padthai #dinner

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“In this family, Thai noodles count as pasta”–something a Libra would say. You’re super chill but you’re always down to explore. Pad thai is the perfect balance of tastes for your palate (and personality).

Scorpio

Witchy and wonderful, Scorpios are getting matched with a briny and mysterious treat–squid ink pasta. What are you going to find in there? Squid? Clams? Tomatoes? Who TF knows.

Sagittarius

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MA LA BONTÀ???🤩🙊#RAVIOLI DI PATATE ravioli 🥟🥟🥟💛dal CUORE FILANTE😋… Con 1 ingrediente speciale🔐🤭che gli dona un Tocco Aromatico e il colore giallo oro 🌞SI FANNO IN UN LAMPO ⚡️… e finiscono subito 😍😂🙊 Perfetti per i giorni di festa 🍾 #FERRAGOSTO e SERATE TRA AMICI 🏖 la RICETTA Passo Passo è nel blog www.tavolartegusto.it (link diretto nel mio profilo @tavolartegusto ) Cucina le mie Ricette e Tagga #tavolartegusto 👈🏿 che arrivano le stories 😍BACI DA #numana 🐚🌊_________________________________________________________ #raviolidipatate #homemadepasta #pastafresca #italianpasta #top_food_of_instagram #official_italian_food #instafoodandplaces #chefs_battle_show #notonlymama #incucinaconleinstamamme #thefoodspotter #dolce_salato_italiano #igersitalia #foodandwine #italianfoodbloggers #igworldclub_food #food_instalove #lovefood #cuisine_captures #feedfeed #estimatore_selettivo #gooblyfood #piattiitaliani #pranzoitaliano #italianfood #foodandwine

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Sagittarians are curious and fun-loving people who enjoy surprises. They’re a lot like ravioli, a tasty pocket full of enthusiasm, wonder, and occasionally cheese.

Capricorn

Pesto pasta truly captures the essence of artsy, practical, know-it-all, Capricorn. For starters, you fucking love that you’re the only pasta on this list that’s green. Also, you probably already have a recipe for pesto that you LOVE. Bye.

Aquarius 

Hey air head! You get bored super easily and love to dance to the beat of your own drum. You’re kind of quirky! Just like pasta on pizza.

Pisces

Because you fear being alone and not being liked, you over compensate by doing the absolute most. It’s fine though, you’re so yummy everyone forgives you for giving them a stomachache, just like stuffed shells!