We’re blaming this sh*t for EVERYTHING
Forgetting your car keys inside your already locked home
Spilling coffee down your shirt even though you’re using a straw
Walking into closing elevator doors
Your computer freezing
Your phone freezing
Your brain freezing
Crying at work
Forgetting your lunch
Having a pimple
Having three pimples
Food stuck in your teeth
Instagram is down
Your tweet got 0 likes
Your podcast only halfway downloaded and now you’re in a dead zone for another hour
Getting a ticket
Getting into a fight
A hair in your food
Choking on literally nothing
Battery dies in your vibrator
No one telling you you have a booger
Getting your period in white pants
Getting your period in any pants, really
A text from your ex
Inspired by my recent attendance at a party with fabulous snacks!
Yes, there are a lot of dips!
Also…qualifying everything as apps!
Aries: Buffalo Chicken Dip
Depending on who you are (and who made you) you can be a little spicy–just like this dip! Under your baked exterior you have a gooey, cheesy heart. Someone just needs to a sharp enough chip or cracker to break through!
Taurus: Chips and Onion Dip
Taurus, you’re a classic. We can’t get enough of you. No matter if you’re homemade or store-bought, you’re everybody’s favorite party app because you bring the grounding flavors that leave people coming back for more.
Gemini: Shrimp Cocktail
First of all, don’t you dare be offended Gemini. Shrimp cocktail is good AF!!!! You’re fresh and tangy, just like this shellfish and tomato combo. Plus, because you’re easily bored we made you an app that’s fun to eat! Don’t forget to douse yourself in lemon, first.
Cancer: Mozzarella Sticks
Yes, we made you the warmest and gooiest snack, Cancer. You are comfort and indulgence both in food and in personality! Everybody feels cozier after having a taste–except the lactose adverse. You can’t please everyone!
Your commitment to receiving the most attention makes you a solid option for guacamole. Guess what people always want more of? Guac. Guess what always costs extra? Guac. Plus, it helps that eating avocado is actually great for that lion’s mane you call hair.
Virgo: Caprese Skewers
Okay, first of all look how pretty! Virgo you care about organization and aesthetics and this app is all about execution! Plus, knowing your secret temper you may have saved a few of those skewers in your pocket for later in case you need to confront whoever has been messing up the arrangement of the chicken nuggets!
Libra: Fried Macaroni Balls
Libra baby, you’re all fun on the outside and all warm and soft on the inside. You’re all about this balance of flavors and textures. Like macaroni balls, you charm everyone you meet so don’t be surprised if there are quite a few people crowding around your plate.
Scorpio: Chicken Wings
You’re oh so seductive Scorpio, just like wings in all flavors. Whether you’re boneless or bone-in, you offer so much to those who eat you and they relish the flavors (and personalities) you put on. You don’t need ranch or bleu cheese to make you a more palatable snack or person, it’s purely complementary.
Sagittarius: Pigs in A Blanket
You’re just a juicy surprise inside a flaky warm bun!! We made you a pig in a blanket because you love adventure (so you’re portable) and typically don’t give a floop what anyone thinks about your or what sauces you’re dipped in. You’re full of protein (and energy) but you have a soft side too. Plus, we could seriously eat 1000000 of you. You’re the best.
Capricorn: Chicken Nuggets
Chicken nuggets are not bland and boring, they are an absolute party STAPLE. If we come through to your party and there are no chicken nugz……we’re leaving. That’s also how we feel about Capricorns. Why stay anywhere there aren’t any of those guys? They work so hard to pair perfectly with every dip and sauce. Plus, they can be enjoyed as a main and not just an app–so versatile, so creative–just like a Cap!
Aquarius: Bagel Bites
My wayward Aquarian, you’re a bagel bite. You’re a little outside the box as far as snacks go, but everyone gets freakin excited as hell when they see you. You’re also cute as fuck JUST like a mini bagel.
Pisces: Mini Quiche
View this post on Instagram
Mini quiche-uri 🧀🍅🥦 Crustă fragedă din pâte brisée, zis şi “aluat franţuzesc”, umplutură savuroasă ”scăldată-n” smântână și ouă de casă, acoperite c-o mână bună de cașcaval gustos și date la cuptor până se rumenesc frumos. Mini quiche-urile sunt varianta drăguță, gustoasă și deosebită a petrecerilor de birou. Comode la aranjat și lesne la servit, ele nu necesită veselă suplimentară și-ți economisesc o mulțime de timp. De asemenea, de mare ajutor sunt la petrecerile celor mici, unde fiecare copilaș are mini tarta sa și nu se ceartă nimeni pentr-o felie anumită, căci toate mini quiche-urile sunt la fel. În imagini sunt două tipuri de mini tarte sărate: 🥦 Montpellier: file de pui, ciuperci, broccoli 🧀 Alma: spanac, ricotta, Parmezan, ouă de prepeliță. Pregătim și alte feluri de mini quiche-uri atât vegetariene cât și cu carne. Pentru detalii scrie-ne un mesaj sau sună ☎️069562107.
You love being posted up all cozy so like your water sister Cancer, you’re a very cozy-making app. You want to give your friends the most, and so you offer them a little of everything–which is why mini quiches come in so many flavors. They’re the Pisces of the frozen food aisle. Never crust-less tho…obvi.
Just like penne, you have pointy edges to your personality that you use to either attack or defend your friends and foes. You also have a spicy side, just like penne amatriciana!
Taurans are reliable, grounded, and classic, just like spaghetti and meatballs. You can dress them up or dress them down, but at the end of the day it’s still a dish (and a zodiac sign) you have no problem with.
People tend to worry about you twisty little freaks, and for good reason–you can turn on a dime. While you might seem and even taste delicious and buttery, nothing will get you sick quicker than bad shellfish. For that reason, Geminis are linguine with clams.
My precious Cancer babes, you’re a bowl of warm and comforting gnocchi. At the end of the day, you just want to feed your soul–and your face.
You always want to be the main event, so Leo you’re a pasta dish that is basically a layer cake. You are a lasagna and you’re magnificent. Are you happy now??
Virgo I know you crave order, tradition, and as much control as possible. But you still like to think that you’re fun! That’s why you’re this twist on a classic–bacon mac and cheese.
“In this family, Thai noodles count as pasta”–something a Libra would say. You’re super chill but you’re always down to explore. Pad thai is the perfect balance of tastes for your palate (and personality).
Witchy and wonderful, Scorpios are getting matched with a briny and mysterious treat–squid ink pasta. What are you going to find in there? Squid? Clams? Tomatoes? Who TF knows.
Sagittarians are curious and fun-loving people who enjoy surprises. They’re a lot like ravioli, a tasty pocket full of enthusiasm, wonder, and occasionally cheese.
Pesto pasta truly captures the essence of artsy, practical, know-it-all, Capricorn. For starters, you fucking love that you’re the only pasta on this list that’s green. Also, you probably already have a recipe for pesto that you LOVE. Bye.
Hey air head! You get bored super easily and love to dance to the beat of your own drum. You’re kind of quirky! Just like pasta on pizza.
Because you fear being alone and not being liked, you over compensate by doing the absolute most. It’s fine though, you’re so yummy everyone forgives you for giving them a stomachache, just like stuffed shells!