Life After Lashes

When I was in college, I genuinely believed that I would die of embarrassment if a boyfriend saw me without makeup. My mother once told me that Dolly Parton’s husband had never seen her without her full glam on, (which, who knows if this is true lol) so I dedicated myself to always carrying around concealer, a lipstick and of course– mascara.

We could go into the patriarchal structures that put me (and my mom and Dolly) here, but that seems time consuming. Instead I will just say, I feel better with it on. Especially on my eyes.

I have lost probably hours of my life — if you were to add up all the time I spent from ages 14 to 24 — curling my lashes and mascara-ing them in whatever waterproof version of “blackest black” I could find.

This is just facts, okay? My natural lashes are stick straight. They barely hold a curl. They are also that sort of nothing-y “bronde” color that was so popular with celebs in 2016. My sister has eyelashes like a camel (please google camel eyelashes to see that this is a compliment). When she wears mascara, she doesn’t look like she has little sticks jutting out of her eyes, she looks like one blink could carry her away.

ENTER LASH EXTENSIONS

The first time I decided to try lash extensions was because of the rapper Kreayshawn. I was following her on Instagram and couldn’t stop noticing her long, fluffy, perfect inky-black lashes. One day, she tagged the salon. I made an appointment a few clicks later.

That was two years ago. TWO. And I haven’t looked back. The times I have had my normal lashes in between then and now have been because I messed up booking appointments or because I ran out of money and had to wait until the next paycheck to get them.

What’s so good about them???? I wake up and I have lashes. I don’t have sushi rice grains, I have fucking curtains. I don’t have to wear mascara ever expect for when I paint some on my very blonde lower lashes. I just get up and go. It’s so easy!

I feel polished when I have them. I feel pretty. I feel confident. I feel like myself.

While I realize it’s not THAT deep, they’re just tiny hairs glued to my even tinier hairs — CUE CORONAVIRUS

I didn’t have time to book a lash appointment before we were all told to social distance and my lash tech stopped working. I knew my days of perfect lashes were numbered so I tried to enjoy them.

Eventually, I had to remove the 4 that remained stuck to my face (jojoba oil on a cotton round, very gently). It was personally very devastating! And tbh I felt like crying a lot! These lashes — although a luxury — feel like a part of my face.

I guess the only way I can make it make sense to you is this: Imagine one day you woke up and someone had shaved off your eyebrows. While there is a chance they won’t grow back, typically they do. So while you know it’s not the end of the world, you still have to adjust to being like HOLY FUCK I HAVE NO EYEBROWS!!!

Sure you can paint them on but wouldn’t you rather have the eyebrows you actually want???? Wouldn’t you feel a little less like yourself when you look in the mirror, because who is that person? And why don’t they have eyebrows???

(I realize that there are people in this world who are also very self conscious about their white blonde eyebrows/lack of brows. I apologize for using this as an example.)

My boyfriend thinks I’m psychotic because of this. He tutted at me when I over-nighted a lash curler and a new mascara from Sephora once my lashes were totally bare.

But this is the reality I am going to have to live in until April 19 (and probably after then because WTF IS GOING ON). I need to become comfortable with my face. I am not even going to pretend I can get to a place of even partial confidence being bare-lashed. So mascara will just have to do.

I haven’t had to apply it or curl my lashes in TWO YEARS. I feel like a newborn. And there are lots of ups and downs. For some reason, the lashes on my left eye lay much more nicely than on my right eye and will all slip easily into the curler. The lashes on my right eye are pieces of shit and like to fuck up my face! It’s fun having sisters who never seem to have met each other, not twins.

I am so so so so lucky and privileged to be healthy and to be able to work from home and to afford groceries and to even complain about this. But honestly, much like every other part of being alive in this 2020 hellscape, it sucks and I’m just going to have to get over it and move on.

I’ve tried to focus on other parts of my face that I like and that’s been nice.

Turns out I quite like my cheeks. My eyebrows aren’t bad either. No one please go and shave them off though. That’ll really throw me.

More later because….what else is there to do?

x

Things I Want to Buy Off Instagram

Let us not forget that at any given time, I am a parody of myself.

This shopaholic, boy-crazy, bittersweet persona exists solely to be blown out of proportion, whenever I feel like giving it wings.

That being said–there’s a lot of sh*t I want online.

In the words of President Ariana Grande, “I see it, I like it, I want it.”  As much as I would LOVE to finish that lyric, seldom are the times that “I got it,” and more frequently are the times that “I put it in my virtual shopping cart, I made it all the way to check out, I saw what shipping would cost, I gave up.”

but IF I had a sugar daddy (or mommy heyyy 👅) these are the things I would send them screenshots of, hoping they would do that thing I like (spend money on me).

Necessaire Scrub

https://www.instagram.com/p/B1tc0TqnoZy/

The worst thing about Necessaire is that every influencer I like promotes the f@ck out of it, so I’m Stockholm Syndrome-d into wanting it.

The best thing about Necessaire, is that it seems to actually work. I’ve been looking for a new scrub to replace my summer scent (too citrusy for September) and this sandalwood one seems perfect. Plus, it contains glycolic acid, lactic acid, and salicylic acid, so the majority of the exfoliation is not going to be from gritty beads but rather a gentle chemical exfoliation that always ALWAYS does my skin right.

Laura Lombardi Chains

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⛓🍽⛓

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My fascination with this jewelry line was born out of a joke. It was included in a StartPacksofNYC meme that was just so…me. These twisty, curvy, chubby gold chains are deeply aesthetically pleasing. I can see them looking chic over a turtleneck at work or against my bare skin, adding a little edge to a cocktail dress.

My favorite pair of earrings right now are these little gold hoops I have from & Other Stories  (they were $19 and one of my best purchases ever) but I’ve often bemoaned that I don’t have anything simple to set them off.

Luckily for me, after a few drinks I was feeling like a Rockefeller and purchased this bracelet and this ring.

Lisa Says Gah

As I’m sure you can tell, my brain is gearing up for fall. We yet to hit Labor Day but I’ve already texted multiple people about Starbucks’ new pumpkin cream cold brew (scared of it). But this creamsicle-colored sweater and the little neon crossbody bag spark MAJOR joy in my pumpkin patch-meandering, apple picking, cinnamon candle-having heart.

If it weren’t 1000000 degrees in Los Angeles and I had my sugar parent’s AmEx, this ensemble would be ordered and on the way to my house in 2-3 business days.

Treasures of NYC

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grab n go

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Treasures of NYC always posts things I want, I’m just too stinkin broke. I love this lil cutie, also this little one that would help me like my Carrie Bradshaw truth:

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★sweet saddle dreamzz ☾

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Fashion Secrets

I am going to show you my favorite Instagram account, so for starters, you’re welcome. They find the best stuff on Amazon. You can prime like half this stuff. Incredible.

I almost don’t want to share this because all 8 of you who read this will make their IG blow up (jk). But whatever. Here are some of their things I have bookmarked:

That’s it for now.

HMU if you’re rich and feel like buying all of this.

Thanks

x

The Morning Tonic That Makes Me Glow

Lately LOVES apple cider vinegar. Kate and I have texted about it before for like 15 minutes, just talking about how we take it (shot vs in a mixture), how often, how much, and what it does.

Yes, it smells super strong and on its own kind of tastes like ass. But the BENEFITS!!!

The first time I read about taking ACV (what we shall henceforth be calling apple cider vinegar bc abbrevs are totes amaze) was on The New Potato. I don’t remember who said they take a tablespoon of it every morning–either some Polish model/actress or a writer I really admire–but I was instantly intrigued. She said it made her skin absolutely glow.

So, I started taking shots of ACV in the morning, which I promptly quit after about 4 days. I couldn’t get used to the taste of it on its own and would have to drink like 4 big glasses of water after–which I guess, is another way to make your skin glow–but didn’t feel worth it.

Because I am a person who spends a lot of time reading about health and wellness trends I also tried drinking warm lemon water every morning, which I also quit after a short while because….who wants to drink warm lemon water all the time? I don’t. I think it’s kind of gross.

Then I realized, I could combine the two! And not just combine the two, but improve upon the concoction! So, what I have been doing is putting about a tablespoon and a half of ACV into a mug, adding boiling water and tea bag of my choice (frequently it’s throat coat because I like the taste and also I spend 80% of my day screaming) a generous splash of honey, and a teaspoon of lemon juice.

The whole thing has made me absolutely RADIANT!*

*a lie

But it HAS improved my skin, my gut health, and my immune system. According to Reader’s Digest (where I get alllll my health news) (jk) ACV has serious antibiotic properties which help assist with things like digestion and getting rid of bad bacteria that could be impeding your gut health and/or causing forms of acne. So basically, it makes you *ahem* regular, but it also fights the bad shit that might be wreaking havoc on your skin!

The lemon juice I add is also full of a shit ton (pardon the pun) of Vitamin C which is great for your immune system. It also helps maintain PH levels in your body and makes you pee a lot–which is annoying, especially if you’re hanging out with me–but helps not only to fight toxins, but to flush them out of your body and give a little boost to your renal system.

IMPORTANT: I DO NOT drink this to lose weight/detox/whatever bullshit anything online says like “drink lemon water/ACV and never be hungry again!” That is bullshit. I glow because I take time to nourish myself and give my body fuel. I make this beverage every morning, along with a lARGEEEEE glass of ice cold water, and my breakfast of choice.

I 10/10 highly recommend.

If the ACV taste is too strong you could always reduce it to 1 tbs or 1/2 tbs. Or add more lemon. Or honey! Play with it!

Anyway

Lmk if you try! It’s good.

Ok

bye

ily

 

 

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About The SNS Dipping Powder Manicure

So I don’t know if you know this about me, but I used to be a gel nail evangelist. Evangelist.

Ha ha I was exposing my hands to UV light every other week and now I’m probably going to have premature hand-skin aging.

But seriously, I am obsessed with getting my nails done and now I feel just as shiny and new as the nails I will be rocking for a solid MONTH (yes a month) thanks to a little invention called SNS dipping powder!!! Yes, you’ve heard of it. Yes, you have no idea what it is, and that’s why I am going to explain it to you!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bm0XXJmgoBR/?tagged=snsdippingpowder

So SNS is actually a brand, much like CND Shellac or Gelish. It stands for “Signature Nail Systems,” and they have a shit ton of colors including neons and glitter. Instead of a polish, the nail color is done with an organically-processed color-pigmented powder that your nails get dipped in after a polish base coat is applied.  According to lifestyle website Mamma Mia!, the powder is made with Benzoyl Peroxide, Titatum Dioxide, and Acrylic Ester Polymer. If those names terrifying you, definitely don’t google what’s in regular acrylics, gel nail polish, or standard polish!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BkjP04JAS4t/?tagged=snsnails

The process is repeated until a desired level of color is achieved, and the whole thing is set with top coat. Depending on where you go, your nails will be filed down with either a machine (like an acrylic) or with an actual nail file to achieve the desired shape and thickness. Don’t worry, they dust off all the powder with a cute little brush and you can even wash your hands.

The best part is, the dried powder clings to your nail like a gel but feels strong like an acrylic. Go ahead, tap those babies on a table! Clack them against your teeth! They’re tough as hell and not breaking for anything. Plus, the polish will last you a freakin MONTH if you can handle the grow out and don’t get sick of the same color for 4 weeks. Oh, and it only costs about $5 more than a gel would. So if you’re sick and tired of your gel chipping but don’t want to deal with getting acrylics or fills, SNS is a godsend.

Worried about taking them off? The color is removed similarly to gel, but whatever salon you go to shouldn’t scrape it off your fingers with any metal instruments after. The top coat is dissolved, and the powder gets rubbed off. At most, they will buff your nails after if needed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bm5Qtd-nlq8/?tagged=snsdippingpowder

Why is the SNS manicure so life changing? Well for starters, no more UV light thank god. So I’m saving myself from possible skin cancer and future crepe-y skin. Also, my gel habit was leading to a bunch of broken and thin nails. SNS has strengthened TF out of nails and as I type this they are long and luxurious and if I scratched your scalp you would fall asleep forever it would feel so good.

If you’re interested in trying, I would recommend calling your favorite salon first or doing some Yelp snooping with the keywords “SNS” or “Dip powder.” And make sure they don’t set it with a gel top coat. That shit is a scam : )