Ketchup Is So Fucking Good On Everything*

French fries, hash browns, chicken nuggets, burgers, and grilled cheese.

Scrambled eggs, fish sticks, potato chips, onion rings, corn dogs, crab cakes, and if it touches your bacon. 

Macaroni and cheese. Matzo brei. Accidentally getting some on your bagel or pancakes. 

Avo-freakin-cados. 

These are all things that taste amazing with ketchup, because ketchup is so fucking good on everything, with a single caveat!

The food item must contain a starch.

Look at the above foods. Besides being mainly things you can order at McDonald’s, what else do they have in common?

A STARCH!

Yesterday one of our Lately editors (who shall remain nameless) posted a photo of her delicious breakfast to her Instagram story and raised mass hysteria because it depicted a hash brown with sliced avocado topped with ketchup.

While some were shocked that an editor who works in food journalism would consume a Trader Joe’s frozen hash brown (which is ridiculous, considering that I make like $4 a week and they are a tasty budget friendly TJ’s item), many were disgusted–nay, devastated! That someone! Would put! Ketchup! ON! AN! AVOCADO!!!!!!!!!

But they were missing the point.

The avocado is anchored to the hash brown aka the starch. We have already established that hash browns taste good with ketchup! If this editor (okay, it’s me guys. I did it) had been having eggs with avocado and ketchup, would you have been so offended? Do you not add things like vegetables to your dishes? Do you not eat your colors? What kind of 5-year-olds are you!!!!

I am a big fan of hot and cold combinations. I love warm brownies with ice cream, Shaq-promoted Icy Hot, and I’ve always been interested in that lube that’s supposed to be cold and warm sensations.

Ketchup is so cooling and so sweet. When I eat it on a hot food like macaroni and cheese (something other people have called me a monster for doing!! which is WILD because it tastes fucking amazing) my mouth sings a little song of joy.

The flavor of ketchup is also like sugar tomatoes. Which is appealing to me, a person who did not like actual tomatoes until roughly this year.

Ketchup is made for the pedestrian palate. Think of how many adults put ketchup on their hotdogs!! The actual one thing I will not do because it is sacrilege to the city of Chicago, Illinois!!

Tr*mp puts ketchup on his steak. Okay…maybe that is a bad example. But still, I think THAT is more outrageous than someone eating a fried potato rectangle with avocado on it and some ketchup.

Basically what I’m saying is, you’re all a big bunch of babies. Not because I’m over hear eating caviar topped snails because I am some sort of big time food editor. No. Because you’re all grossed out by ketchup, on something you 100% would eat if it didn’t have a green vegetable (I guess they’re a fruit?) on it. I’m urging you to try it.

Literally make a scramble with eggs, potatoes, and top it with avocados. Squirt a tiny bit of ketchup on the side. Dip your forkful in, and let the combination make your mouth smile. It’s fucking good, isn’t it?

Now that we’ve got that settled, would this be a bad time to tell you that I do eat avocados plain, with barbecue sauce?

 

 

 

 

I Am Incredibly Passionate About Trader Joe’s Organic Jasmine Rice

My grandmother gave me a rice cooker for my birthday (or maybe it was Christmas, I don’t remember. Sorry, Grandma). I wanted to make perfectly fluffy, a little bit sticky, definitely delicious, white rice.

I grew up in a home where rice was made on the stove in a pot with water. It was always either a little too hard or a little too soft, and if I made it it was definitely burned.

The rice cooker helped some. I still somehow always burned the bottom layer, making a crunchy rice shell that I would peel and eat (not as disgusting as it sounds, I promise).  The rice was better if I made it with chicken stock as opposed to water–a tip I learned from the wife of a friend of my father’s over lunch at Nobu.

BUT IT WAS NEVER FUCKING RIGHT AND NEVER EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED AND I WANTED PERFECTLY FLUFFY AND DELICIOUS WHITE RICE,DAMNIT.

Enter Trader Joe’s.

One day I ate my sister’s leftover rice in our refrigerator. It was sitting there in a tupperware, and I microwaved it. “This is some restaurant-quality fucking rice!” I thought to myself as I shoveled spoonfuls down my gullet before she came home from work. “I’ll have to ask her where she got it!”

Aside from being annoyed that I had consumed her food, my sister told me that the rice was actually from Trader Joe’s. “Like, is it pre-made?” I asked. “Like, did you get it in a little container or something? Do they have a hot bar now?”

“No!” She told me. “It’s frozen!”

Pardon????

So basically, this beautiful delicious rice that tastes just as good leftover as it does the day you make it, comes in a 3-pack at Trader Joe’s. The box reads “Microwave perfect in 3 minutes” and they are not lying. This rice has been perfect every single damn time I have ever made it. It’s lightly sticky but still fluffy, it’s never burned (make it in 3 minutes exactly), it’s never too hard or too watery or too soft.

According to TJ’s it’s “Grown in the valleys of Northern Thailand on farms with fertile soil and natural rain water. This rice is a premium, organic product grown with intensive care.”

I don’t care if this rice is from the Thai restaurant down the street, it’s really stinkin’ good and one pouch is enough to feed two people if you’re pairing it with a vegetables, a meat, or a soup. Trader Joe’s also offers a brown rice but it’s nasty because it’s brown rice and I hate it. There is also a wild rice variety that I also find gross! But this white rice is….divine. Simply divine.

I’ve had it alone, alone with butter, with Asian cucumber salad, with chicken, with curry, with red pepper soup, with beans, as part of a burrito bowl, and I would probably eat it any way that it was served to me because I am devoted to TJ’S white rice now!

I’m going to need you not to be a skeptic right now. This microwaved rice is life changing–especially if you suck at making rice for yourself. Seriously, in college I would walk to the Walgreens on Clark and Diversey (Chi till I die bb) and pick up their pre-made rice that I would microwave and cry about because it was terrible.

This rice is wonderful.

And it’s from Trader Joe’s so it’s budget-friendly and it’s a 3-pack so that’s actually like a few different meals you can make.

Have I converted you yet?

This Is What Cheese Plate You Would Be According To The Zodiac

Can you believe it’s ONLY Tuesday? Since we’ve heroically made it to the second day of the work week, I am sharing photos of my raison d’être, which just so happens to be cheese.

Call it a cheese plate, a cheese board, a charcuterie, or if you’re my ex boyfriend a “char-coot.” Whatever the hell it is, it’s delicious. American Airline’s fruit and cheese box could never. Starbucks cheese bistro box is shook. Look at these photos of meats and cheeses and fruits and chill. We’ll make it to the weekend soon.

Aries

Aries needs some spicy meats and tangy sauces and spreads to go with their cheese selection. They hate olives but that doesn’t mean they don’t want them on the plate for aesthetic purposes. What’s in that brie? You have no idea. Pass the gabagool!

Taurus

Taurus can’t seem to guilt themselves into eating a mainly cheese plate. They know they need to keep it fresh with some veggies and fruits. However, they will eat all the cheese and drizzle every bite with honey. Sorry not sorry.

Gemini

OFC Gemini would include something sweet like chocolate on their charcuterie to mess with the balance. How is this decadent, sweet, sour, salty, good, and terrible all at once? Honestly all we want is mouthful of tomato and cheese followed by a handful of pomegranate seeds.

Cancer

Baby mama of the zodiac, your cheese plate doesn’t play. It’s like 80% cheese. You came here to feed yourself and everyone else and you know what the good stuff ACTUALLY is. None of this cornichon business. You’ve already shoveled like 4 handfuls of cheese in your mouth while I’ve been talking, haven’t you?

Leo

Leo, you like to look good, but you don’t care if your food does. It’s fine if its all kind of mashed together as long as its tasty AF. You dropped some major coin on those marcona almonds but they were worth it tbh. You’re prettier than your plate is, but you’ll still take a pic next to it because you’re proud.

Virgo

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Hellooooo pumpkin season! 🎃🎃🎃 This won’t be the last time you see pumpkins on my cheese boards, including that festive pumpkin butter. And to compliment it, I used two of my favorite cheeses from @cypressgrovers: Humboldt Fog & STRAIGHT UP. Now if there’s one cheese that people go nuts for it’s Humboldt Fog! The moment you guys spot that distinctive ash down the center… I get tons of comments about how it’s the best cheese in all the land! Well I’m here to say, it’s true! But you should also know that #CypressGrove makes lots of other awesome cheeses. The Fresh Goat Cheese Cups are new & come in 4 flavors. I used the STRAIGHT UP (classic goat cheese which tastes lovely with the pumpkin butter), placed it in a ramekin & garnished with some rosemary. You can go three posts back to see how I used two of their other flavors (DANGER ZONE and SWEET DREAMS) on another recent cheese board! PLUS…more tips on how to make this Fall-inspired board on IG Stories. #Ad #AintTooProudToCheese

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Everything about this cheese plate is neat and in its place. Even the herbs. Plus, the pumpkin makes it homey AF. Don’t touch it though. You’ll ruin it! You know what, you’re probably better off serving it to people than letting them take what they want, you absolute control freak. I would hate you but this does look good.

Libra

Libra your cheese plate is just as fun and whimsical as you are. You included things people typically wouldn’t think to and flavor combinations that might seem zany, but are damn good. You’re so creative I just want to take a bite out of that brie, and you…damn

Scorpio

You cool ass Scorpio bitch!!!!!! Look at this vaguely Mediterranean set up!!! How did you come up with this? How are you so crafty? Get that prosciutto-wrapped breadstick out of your mouth. It’s giving me ideas.

Sagittarius

You don’t need much to make a good meal, and you know that Sag. You take some simple stand out flavors and enjoy the simple but still delectable combos. You know what works AND you made deviled eggs with bacon too? You absolute charcuterie genius.

Capricorn

Papa of the Zodiac, you wanted to make sure everybody got some bread or a cracker to pair with their meat and their cheese. Your detail-oriented-ness has not gone unnoticed here what with the orderly set up and the peanut butter pretzels, but it’s SO YOU to forget to slice your cheese. How are we supposed to eat this? Break it off? I’m leaving with a whole wedge in my purse. BYE

Aquarius 

Aquarius my little air headed baby, what the fuck is this and why do I love it? I can’t identify some of the things on your plate but you probably found them at some cool market I’ve never heard of and thought it might go well with your other ingredients. Well it DOES.

Pisces

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Is it the weekend yet?!

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Pisces, as the mom-friend you went all out on your cheese board and it looks fucking divine. But could you shut up about all the work you went to? No one asked you for this!!! Eat a fig with some of that blue cheese and shutup. I love you.