Jennifer Garner’s Pretend Cooking Show Is The Only Joy We Have Left In This World

We wanted to be her best friend when she was Jenna Rink, and we want to be her best friend now. Jennifer Garner just seems like such a fucking great person and we could watch her pretend cooking show for hours.

The show is exclusively on her Instagram, which may or may not be the best place on the internet. In a world where opening Twitter can send you into a depression spiral, we’re so thankful that J. Garn exists.

Her latest (non Halloween) cooking video is all about salad. She doesn’t use croutons because if she wants some crunch, she just adds crunchy vegetables or nuts. Omfg. Jennifer you beautiful genius!!! We are NEVER going to use that tip in real life because croutons rule! But we love it and you.

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SALAD: ⬅️ used to mean limp carrot shavings and too cold tomatoes. NOW ➡️ salads are a celebration of what is seasonal and handy. They are also what’s for lunch. Always. #PretendCookingShow #fullepisodeonIGTV! . A blend of greens! Kale  Arugula Sweet mix  Swiss chard . Veggies!  Green beans  Broccoli  Peppers  Shaved Brussels sprouts  Roasted sweet potatoes/butternut squash . Fats!  Cheese  Nuts  Avocado . Grains/Protein A big scoop of warm brown rice  Chicken Whatever else sounds good. . Dressing of your choice! I use straight olive oil and red wine/balsamic vinegar. . The key for me is to pick a variety of the above and CHOP it up so that you aren’t battling a dinner plate sized honk of lettuce every other bite.

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How fucking calming is it to watch Jennifer Garner sing “in you gooooo” to some fish sticks? Answer: TRULY calming as fuck. These are homemade fish sticks that she is making for her family!! The absolute nutrition. Plus, she keeps it real by taking a big bite. “I need a beer,” she says. Jen we’ll grab one for you from the fridge if you tell us what shelf the ketchup is on! Or is she more of a condiments in the door kind of gal? You decide.

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#PretendCookingShow— fish sticks! They’re fast. They’re delicious. #makeextra 🌟Full episode is on #IGTV🌟 . Ingredients: 1 lb of tilapia 1/4 cup of flour Salt Pepper 1 egg 1 cup Panko Bread Crumbs (regular or whole wheat) 3/4 cup Corn Flake Crumbs (or any sweet cereal you like, smashed to bits) Canola oil (or oil of your preference) . Directions: 1.) Trim your tilapia into fish stick size pieces. You want them to be of similar size and thickness. There is always one side of the fillet that is thinner so I make those into “wide and flat sticks” 🤷‍♀️ 2.) Gather three bowls to use for your batter station. . Bowl 1: 1/4 cup of flour, a few big pinches of salt, about a teaspoon of fresh ground pepper. Bowl 2: crack one egg, add a little water, mix with a fork. Bowl 3: combine the Panko and corn flake crumbs. Have an empty plate ready to catch your fish sticks when they are battered. . 3.) Start at bowl one, coat fish piece in flour, shake excess. Dip in bowl two, shake excess. Drop in bowl three, push crumbs into fish until fully coated. Place on plate. Repeat until all fish pieces are done. 4.) About half way through battering, I like to start heating my oil. About 1/4 inch on medium/high. 5.) When the oil is ready, place 5 to 6 fish pieces in your pan (or whatever will fit, giving them some breathing room). 6.) Prepare a plate covered in paper towels to catch fish sticks when they come out of the oil. 7.) They cook through fast. Pay attention to the color. When they are a deep golden brown, flip. When both sides are sufficiently brown, remove from pan and place on paper towel. Sprinkle with salt immediately. 8.) Repeat for remaining fish sticks, add/heat more oil if necessary. 9.) Yum.

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In all of her cooking videos she is singing in some strange Cookie Monster voice, but we’re thriving and vibing. Plus, she includes the recipes to everything she is making so we can cook just like Jennifer too! Oh, Jennifer you are so wonderful. Here she is making pudding. SHE’S TOO GOOD FOR YOU BEN AFFLECK.

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Today we’re talking pudding, people. Basic, delicious chocolate pudding. It’s easy to make, relatively healthy, and you will absolutely love it. Your kids will love it. The full episode with results is on my Facebook page!  Link in bio. If anyone tries this with non-dairy milks and has success, please let me know! #ineverfoundmyfavoritewhisk #😢#notaprettybaker #PretendCookingShow • @smittenkitchen Best Chocolate Pudding Ingredients: 1/4 cup cornstarch 1/2 cup sugar 1/8 teaspoon salt 3 cups whole milk 6 ounces semi- or bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped (or 1 cup good chocolate chips) 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract • Recipe: 1.) Combine the cornstarch, sugar and salt in a medium saucepan. 2.) Slowly whisk in the milk, in a thin stream at first so lumps don’t form, then more quickly once the cornstarch mixture is smoothly incorporated. 3.) Place over medium-low heat and stir occasionally, scraping the bottom and sides. Whisk as necessary should lumps form. 4.) After 10 minutes or so (slower over low heat is better, to give the cornstarch time to cook), before it starts to simmer, the mixture should begin to thicken, enough that it will coat the back of a spoon. 5.) Add the chocolate, and continue stirring for another 2 to 4 minutes, until chocolate is fully incorporated and mixture is quite thick. 6.) Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla. 7.) If you’re concerned about lumps (🙋🏻‍♀️): run the mixture through a fine-mesh strainer. 8.) Distribute among individual pudding cups or one large serving bowl, chill in the refrigerator until it is cool and set, about 2-3 hours. 9.) If you dislike pudding skin (🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️): put plastic wrap on top of the pudding and smooth it gently against the surface before refrigerating. 10.) Pudding is good for 3 days in the fridge. It won’t last that long. @debperelman and I promise. • 🎶: Great British Baking Show

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The Sims-esque music track that backs all of these videos is so weirdly soothing and so is how she sounds like your best friend from summer camp braiding your hair, when she talks. Just let the world wash away…..

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#PretendCookingShow, Episode 4 brings us one of my favorite “pass-it-back” snacks– you know, those easy snacks you can pass back to hungry kids in a car on the way to wherever your afternoons bring you. Here’s a way to make them at home with ingredients you know and can pronounce. The full episode with results is on my Facebook! Link in bio. #passitbacksnack #sofarsogood #notaprettybaker • Ingredients: 2 cups oats 1 cup unsweetened coconut 1/2 cup wheat germ 1/2 cup sunflower seeds 1/4 cup flaxseed 2 tbls butter 1/2 cup honey 1/4 cup brown sugar 1/2 tsp salt 1 tsp vanilla • Recipe: 1.) Preheat oven to 300 degrees. 2.) Combine dry ingredients. 3.) In saucepan melt the butter, honey, brown sugar, salt and vanilla. 4.) Mix all ingredients together. 5.) Line a 9×9 pan with parchment paper and pack it all in there. 6.) Put in oven for ten minutes. 7.) Take it out. Pack it down again and bake another 10 minutes. 8.) Yum. Let them cool. 9.) If you like chocolate (🙋🏻‍♀️) melt some chocolate with a spoonful of coconut oil/Crisco over a double boiler and drizzle over the bars. 10.) Cut. Enjoy! • 🎶: “Scrapping and Yelling” by Mark Mothersbaugh

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This honey video is NOT from her pretend cooking show, but you need to see how she made the music that “Ohhhhh yeah” sexy song while she handles the honey. It’s hilarious and such a bright spot in our days!!!! We love you Jennifer!!! We watched Love, Simon on an airplane, twice!!

Fucking, incredible.

These Girls And Their Instagrams Are Cooler Than Their Famous Dads

Katie Kimmel

Katie Kimmel is Jimmy Kimmel’s daughter, and she is exponentially cooler than her TV host dad. Katie designs shirts, mugs, sweaters, totes, vases, and just makes really heckin’ cool art. Her Instagram is a little space of joy and an excellent follow. We wanted everything from her collection with Lou & Grey and now that we’ve discovered her weird little iron-on shrimp patches, you bet your ass we’re buying one! (Also our graphic that I shittily made is inspired by her shirts! K Thnx BYE)

Romy Reiner

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Would you buy this sweater?

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Romy Reiner is the daughter of Rob Reiner (The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally) and the granddaughter of Carl Reiner (Various Sid Caesar Shows, The Dick Van Dyke Show). Not only is she a comedy legacy and Instagram superstar, Romy is an incredible photographer and cartoonist. Plus, she’s totally our style inspo for every season.

Gracie Abrams

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4 u

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J.J. Abram’s daughter Gracie makes really fucking great music. She also keeps it super real on the ‘gram. Following her feels like following your sister’s cool friend that you’ve always heard about but never met. She’s fashionable, she’s talented, and she’s funny. She is who you wish you were when you were that age.

Stella Aykroyd

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going to miss her waking me up every morning 🐕

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We always seem to find ourselves saving photos from Stella Aykroyd’s Insta to post later, as part of our larger “saved” collage. Whatever she’s doing in life, Dan Aykroyd’s daughter seems to be having the most beautiful and best time. Plus, sometimes she posts lil’ throw back pics of her dad which are cool, but really we stay for the art.

Cazzie David

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@hiyahheek made me come to silver lake

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Does it seem redundant to include Cazzie David? We don’t care. Obviously you know who she is, and if you don’t–where have you been?? She’s Larry David’s daughter but she’s also a powerhouse writer, actor, comedian, and podcast guest. She dated Pete Davidson for a hot minute too. Yea, Larry David is good, but like Cazzie….iconic.

Harley Quinn Smith

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you guys!!!! The California Cruelty Free Cosmetics Act is so close to becoming a reality! It’s going to be voted on by the California assembly within the next two weeks. This would make it illegal to sell products that have been tested on animals in the state of California after January 1st, 2020. This would be a major accomplishment for the animal rights community and would free so many innocent living beings from suffering in labs. I think this is an issue that vegans and non-vegans alike can agree on. It’s not a matter of taking anything away from humans, it’s a matter of ending unnecessary abuse of innocent animals. There is no need to test on animals when there are so many nonviolent alternatives that are so much more accurate in their results!!! There are no down sides to this act (except for the evil cosmetic companies who choose profit over saving living beings from harm), and it will change and save the lives of so many animals. So PLEASE help in getting this act to pass by spreading the word, boycotting non-cruelty free cosmetic brands (fuck you @esteelauder) and by calling California assembly members and telling them to vote yes on SB1249!!!

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Kevin Smith’s daughter Harley, is very very cool. She sings in a band, she acts, and she’s a huge activist for animals. She’s a major beauty and style inspo on Instagram as well as a vegan icon (tbh). Plus, we think she could totally be Rio Viera Newton’s long lost little sister (do you see the resemblance??? Is it just the hair?? Idk, I am asking you!)

Everything I Considered Buying This Week

I may be broke, but you might not be! Here’s a list of everything I almost purchased this week but didn’t once I looked at my bank account balance:

A’PIEU Madecassoside Needle Spot Patch

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Summer Dawn (my fave Instagram girl) posted about these on her Insta story and said they are the best pimple patches she has ever tried.

Kiehl’s Age Defender Eye Repair Cream

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My Instagram boo @Tynanbuck storied this eye cream and said it was “fucking unreal”. Excuse me, I want that!!!

UGG Slippers

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Kate and I have long discussed purchasing matching fluffy UGG heeled sandals a la Marta from Nice Paper, but these Coquette Clog Slippers seem a little more functional. I would wear them around the house, to walk my dog, to grab coffee, to a friend’s house, and probably….everywhere else lol. Did I just re-talk myself into buying them? MAYBE! But they’re like walking on a cloud!

Gola Classics Women’s Tennis Mark Cox Trainer

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I saw these bad boys while I was shopping at Lou & Grey. I love the off-white color and the saddle brown stripes. They’re simple, they’re chic, they’re very fall.

Tilda Swinton Like This Eau de Parfum by Etat Libre D’Orange 

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My beautiful Twitter friend Chelb is responsible for this one. She gave me a sample of this scent and I can’t stop wearing it. It’s at once spicy, soft, musky, and green. PLUS, IT’S INSPIRED BY TILDA SWINTON. It’s awesome and I want it in full-size.

Madewell’s 10″ High-Rise Skinny jeans

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I used to work at Madewell and am a full convert for Madewell denim. It’s stretchy, soft, and holds you in in all the right places. Plus, the washes tend not to have unflattering whiskering or weird green-tinged washes. I have a favorite pair of Madewell jeans that I bought when I worked there in college almost 5 years ago. I beat the hell out of them and wear them practically every day. They’re just now starting to wear a little thin on one inner thigh. I was thinking of getting these as a replacement! The insane part is, they’ve pre-cut the bottom to make it a step-hem. I did that to mine, only to mimic our super cool store manager all those years ago. It’s just now catching on!

Julie Houts “Become Your Pasta” Illustration

I love this illustration so much I want it in my house!!!! Nothing has spoken to me more in life!

LuMee Duo Phone Case with Front & Back LED Lighting 

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For bomb pics in dark cabs/restaurants/bars/bathrooms, at any angle.

Trashboy Shirt By NapkinItems 

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My favorite Instagrammer Napkin Apocalypse made shirts inspired by her son’s love of garbage trucks. Her son designed that little truck under the part that says Trashboy. Even if you hate this shirt, you gotta check out Napkin Apocalypse. You’re welcome.

HUDA BEAUTY Easy Bake Loose Baking & Setting Powder Pound Cake

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I borrowed some of this from my beautiful friend and makeup expert Julia, when we were in New York. It sets your face like a motherfucker. Highly recommend. Would LOVE to own.

Anyway, instead of buying any of this I bought like 4 airplane tickets, infinity Ubers, stayed in 2 airbnbs, some cold medicine, 100000 gallons of soup, a new sweater, and some candy corn.

This Is What Cheese Plate You Would Be According To The Zodiac

Can you believe it’s ONLY Tuesday? Since we’ve heroically made it to the second day of the work week, I am sharing photos of my raison d’être, which just so happens to be cheese.

Call it a cheese plate, a cheese board, a charcuterie, or if you’re my ex boyfriend a “char-coot.” Whatever the hell it is, it’s delicious. American Airline’s fruit and cheese box could never. Starbucks cheese bistro box is shook. Look at these photos of meats and cheeses and fruits and chill. We’ll make it to the weekend soon.

Aries

Aries needs some spicy meats and tangy sauces and spreads to go with their cheese selection. They hate olives but that doesn’t mean they don’t want them on the plate for aesthetic purposes. What’s in that brie? You have no idea. Pass the gabagool!

Taurus

Taurus can’t seem to guilt themselves into eating a mainly cheese plate. They know they need to keep it fresh with some veggies and fruits. However, they will eat all the cheese and drizzle every bite with honey. Sorry not sorry.

Gemini

OFC Gemini would include something sweet like chocolate on their charcuterie to mess with the balance. How is this decadent, sweet, sour, salty, good, and terrible all at once? Honestly all we want is mouthful of tomato and cheese followed by a handful of pomegranate seeds.

Cancer

Baby mama of the zodiac, your cheese plate doesn’t play. It’s like 80% cheese. You came here to feed yourself and everyone else and you know what the good stuff ACTUALLY is. None of this cornichon business. You’ve already shoveled like 4 handfuls of cheese in your mouth while I’ve been talking, haven’t you?

Leo

Leo, you like to look good, but you don’t care if your food does. It’s fine if its all kind of mashed together as long as its tasty AF. You dropped some major coin on those marcona almonds but they were worth it tbh. You’re prettier than your plate is, but you’ll still take a pic next to it because you’re proud.

Virgo

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Hellooooo pumpkin season! 🎃🎃🎃 This won’t be the last time you see pumpkins on my cheese boards, including that festive pumpkin butter. And to compliment it, I used two of my favorite cheeses from @cypressgrovers: Humboldt Fog & STRAIGHT UP. Now if there’s one cheese that people go nuts for it’s Humboldt Fog! The moment you guys spot that distinctive ash down the center… I get tons of comments about how it’s the best cheese in all the land! Well I’m here to say, it’s true! But you should also know that #CypressGrove makes lots of other awesome cheeses. The Fresh Goat Cheese Cups are new & come in 4 flavors. I used the STRAIGHT UP (classic goat cheese which tastes lovely with the pumpkin butter), placed it in a ramekin & garnished with some rosemary. You can go three posts back to see how I used two of their other flavors (DANGER ZONE and SWEET DREAMS) on another recent cheese board! PLUS…more tips on how to make this Fall-inspired board on IG Stories. #Ad #AintTooProudToCheese

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Everything about this cheese plate is neat and in its place. Even the herbs. Plus, the pumpkin makes it homey AF. Don’t touch it though. You’ll ruin it! You know what, you’re probably better off serving it to people than letting them take what they want, you absolute control freak. I would hate you but this does look good.

Libra

Libra your cheese plate is just as fun and whimsical as you are. You included things people typically wouldn’t think to and flavor combinations that might seem zany, but are damn good. You’re so creative I just want to take a bite out of that brie, and you…damn

Scorpio

You cool ass Scorpio bitch!!!!!! Look at this vaguely Mediterranean set up!!! How did you come up with this? How are you so crafty? Get that prosciutto-wrapped breadstick out of your mouth. It’s giving me ideas.

Sagittarius

You don’t need much to make a good meal, and you know that Sag. You take some simple stand out flavors and enjoy the simple but still delectable combos. You know what works AND you made deviled eggs with bacon too? You absolute charcuterie genius.

Capricorn

Papa of the Zodiac, you wanted to make sure everybody got some bread or a cracker to pair with their meat and their cheese. Your detail-oriented-ness has not gone unnoticed here what with the orderly set up and the peanut butter pretzels, but it’s SO YOU to forget to slice your cheese. How are we supposed to eat this? Break it off? I’m leaving with a whole wedge in my purse. BYE

Aquarius 

Aquarius my little air headed baby, what the fuck is this and why do I love it? I can’t identify some of the things on your plate but you probably found them at some cool market I’ve never heard of and thought it might go well with your other ingredients. Well it DOES.

Pisces

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Is it the weekend yet?!

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Pisces, as the mom-friend you went all out on your cheese board and it looks fucking divine. But could you shut up about all the work you went to? No one asked you for this!!! Eat a fig with some of that blue cheese and shutup. I love you.

The New 5 Love Languages

“Likes” & Comments Of Affirmation

For this person, nothing means more to them than a like or a comment on the ‘gram. Compliments, especially of the heart-eye emoji variety are the very definition of love. “Babe you look *kissy emoji* *kissy emoji* *100 emoji* *fire emoji* is akin to  being kissed deeply on their soul. If you’re not #teamfollowback, you won’t last long.

Acts Of Postmates Service

Can having a stranger deliver a bean and cheese burrito to your house at 9pm on a Wednesday be an act of love? Absolutely! The words this person wants to hear most are, “what’s the address?” but they don’t want YOU to deliver it yourself. Part of the act of this service is the service of not forcing them to see anybody they know while they’re not wearing any makeup, have worn the same pajamas for three days, or have a life shattering pimple. How is this different from gifts? It’s not. “Thank you so much for taking care of me baby xxx”

Quality FaceTime

Say, “I love you,” with your semi-divided attention, all the damn time. You’re not just there for the person with Quality FaceTime as their love language, you’re there for them when you’re in the shower, on the toilet, eating dinner, at the club, in the car…seeing your face 24/7 even in bad lighting lets this person feel special and loved. Watch out for poor signal and areas without wifi.

Butt Touch

They just want you to touch their butt. They want a booty rub. They want a butt slap. They want your hand in their pocket Peter Kavinsky style. Whether you’re laying at home in bed or walking down the street–your hand had better find its way to that tush even if it’s flat, bubble, wide, little, dimpled, stretch marked, tattooed, or what. “Butt touch” is the 2018 hand hold.

Gifts

Yeah, gifts are still gifts. Gimme.