When I Drink Cold Brew I Can…

Leap tall buildings in a single bound

Answer all 376 unread emails

Color code my Google Cal like Audrey Gelman

Vibrate into oblivion

Call my gynecologist to schedule an appointment even though they’re really mean there

Devise a plan for dinner

Write entire paragraphs without looking at my screen

Make memes, crush dreams

Schedule Instagram posts for three separate accounts

Run a marathon

Develop facial blindness (like Brad Pitt!)

Text my best friend 100 times in a row about the magic of coffee

Order food to the wrong address

Send a correction email with too many “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Publicly denounce Pete Buttigieg on Twitter

Delete Twitter

Throw my computer into a dumpster

Rip off all my clothing

Dance naked in the street

Remember all the lyrics to every song in “The Greatest Showman”

See through time

Contact dead relatives

Use 100% of my brain

 

 

 

 

 

24-Hours Of Self-Indulgence

We asked one Lately editor to keep a diary about what she ate/spent/did in one day. The results were a chilling reflection of hedonism.

6:30 A.M. 

I wake up and check my phone. I have a text from my boyfriend, three Instagram notifications (not popular), and eight Twitter notifications (POPULAR (jk it’s all Twitter telling me my followers liked someone else’s tweet)). I am currently working from home so I set up my computer for the morning meeting I am to have in exactly half an hour.

8 A.M.

The morning meeting is over, I pitched some story ideas at work and now I am scrolling through the internet. Things I have open on my browser at all times: The Cut, The Strategist, Amazon, Cup of Jo, Man Repeller, and Twitter. I have yet to drink water or eat anything.

I try to start my days with a glass of ice cold water. I typically forget about said glass of water and by the time it’s 10 a.m., it’s room temperature and I don’t want to drink it anymore so I toss it down the sink and pour a new glass.

I make coffee in my massive cheetah thermos-thing I got from the 99-cents store. My drink of choice is a 6-oz of something from Pete’s that I make in my Keurig plus a shit ton of ice, and a heavy pour of chocolate almond milk. One of these days I am going to freeze coffee ice cubes but also that would involve buying ice cube trays (I want these ice sticks). I have a note in my phone about this that I have ignored for months.

I am starving. I have never woken up and not been absolutely ravenous.

I am a huge fan of breakfast sandwiches, so I toast two slices of whole grain bread in my toaster oven and put two slices of cheddar cheese on one of the two. I fry an egg. I am in the mood for a grilled cheese-vibe, and IMO no grilled cheese is complete without a thin layer of pickle relish.

IF YOU THINK THAT IS DISGUSTING, I URGE YOU TO CLICK THIS LINK THAT CHANGED MY LIFE/TRY IT FOR YOURSELF.

We are out of pickle relish. I put bread and butter pickle chips on it plus a squirt of mustard. Yes, it’s like 8:30 in the morning. She is a salty-centric queen and she makes no apologies.

10 A.M.

I have to pour myself a new glass of water. Lol.

I also realize that I have yet to wash my face/brush my teeth. Right now I am using this Andalou vitamin-c cleanser that my friend Andrew recommended to me. It smells like gummy bears and it’s brightening without stripping me of my natural oils. I am currently moisturizing with Manyo Factory Herb Green Fresh Lotion. I got it from the skincare place in chinatown that Rio Viera-Newton (of “The Strategist” and also of “being an internet cool girl”) loves when I was in New York. It’s called oo35mm and it is really tiny but the people who work there are super helpful and friendly!!

I used to use a lot more stuff on my face but then I got tired and now I don’t!

I brush my teeth.

12 P.M.

I ordered lunch from Health Nut, the place the Kardashians’ used to love, and order their Chinese Chicken Salad. Typically, I get their “Noodlerama” which is salad with cold rice noodles and spicy dressing, but today I feel like eating lettuce with chicken and some tiny crunchy things that Health Nut really needs to consider adding more of.

Recently, I had my deodorant confiscated from the Stockholm airport (why? idk!) so I am in the market for a new deo. I have been using some version of Old Spice ever since college (smells like an ex-boyfriend) but now I want to switch to something natural because I am worried that everything I’m using is killing me!

This deodorant is supposed to 1. work and 2. smell just like Old Spice, plus it’s natural and comes in super chic packaging. On the same Sweden trip, I also thrashed my favorite Madewell transport tote. It’s taken a heavy beating over the past five years traveling with me everywhere from Chicago to Singapore and now it’s completely falling apart.

I order a new one (with a zip-top!) in the color “saddle” because I am nothing if not a basic bitch, forever and ever. But also, if you’re in the market for a travel bag that can fit a weekend’s worth of clothing, an over-stuffed makeup bag, and a laptop–this is the bag for you.

During my purchase I also spy this architecturally interesting bag, but it doesn’t ship until July! So….bye.

2 P.M. 

I’m on Instagram. I really want some hot Cheetos. Has anyone actually purchased Necessaire? I want to try it but also, I think I only want to try it because my favorite Instagrammers are being paid like 5k to post about it all day. They have a body wash, but they also do lotion and lube and stuff. I text Kate about it and make a mental note to circle back later.

I eat a sunbutter cup. It’s like a Reese’s but with sunflower seed butter and dark chocolate (so nothing like a Reese’s). I need more underwear and I am genuinely digging these from Amazon. They’re a dupe for the Gap Body ones we love at Lately, and since the closest Gap Body to me is like 15 miles away, I’ll just Prime these to my house instead.

My to-do list is still a mile long. I have a lot of hand-wash laundry to get to. I have 600 emails to respond to and I feel like at least half of them are embargoed news that I missed while I was OOO (out of office).

I want to make skillet lasagna for dinner.

5:30 P.M. 

After work I watch every episode of Netflix’s “Special” which I HIGHLY recommend. I schedule an appointment with my lash artist in Culver City and with my dermatologist in Agoura– both luxuries that keep me from looking like a drowned rat every day of my life.

Next I grocery shop for everything I need for my lasagna.

It’s from Basically, Bon Appetit’s Millennial-inspired cooking and recipe site, and it looks easy to make. I love cooking and find it soothing. I haven’t had a hard day, but my brain has felt like a mess for a while after having traveled and drank a shit ton and I hoped it would be nice to make myself a meal and enjoy the process of being present in my kitchen.

But spoiler alert, this recipe is not so easy to make!!!! Especially when you’re attempting to halve the recipe and suck at math-slash-are alone and need to use like 4 different bowls and lift a very heavy pan!!

Although I make a mess in the kitchen and my lasagna turns out ugly as sin (also makes more than I can ever possibly eat), it’s fucking delicious and nourishes me in mind, body, and spirit.

Yes, there are nights when all I want is a big salad with a ton of vegetables. I think a baked fish with a side of greens can be a centering experience. But nothing is as especially healing as a big bowl of warm pasta with some sort of spicy red sauce and a lot of cheese. Nothing corrects my center of gravity quite like that. I find my stillness in the noddles. The aromatic sauce and gooey cheese envelopes my soul.

If I were drinking right now, I would be enjoying this experience with a hearty glass of red wine.

Regardless, I feel soothed.

I cuddle up on the couch with my dog and watch “The Bisexual”. Passover starts Friday at sundown and I think about how soon I won’t be able to eat any leavened bread. That means no bagels or breakfast sandwiches. I’m going to practically be a beast for a week. Thank god for matzo brittle.

 

Surprise Bitch! Bet You Thought You’d Seen The Last Of Us

In the words of Cardi B, we’re back bitches. We don’t want to hear we’re acting different–because we’re pretty much the same anyway.

Yes, we took a writing respite because life is a thing that gets in the way and we are only a small (but mighty) team of two busy ladies. But we’re here now! Did you miss us? We missed you.

So much has happened while we were on a break! Glossier came out with a bunch of new products we have no plans to try. The Jonas Brothers are back and they’ve had sex. Tavi Gevinson pointed out that Elizabeth Holmes and Gigi Hadid have the same voice and now we can’t un-hear it!

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My girl Elizabeth Holmes 👁👁💉

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Anyway, this is not really a post with any point other than to say HEY! We’re back to our regularly scheduled programming.

So get ready to hear the latest from Lately prettttayyy prettayyyy soon.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

L & K

Should Your Favorite Brands Really Be Texting You?

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Lily: Why is Stuad doing this now? That’s so weird???

Kate: LOL that’s a very interesting take on sending a promo code. It’s aggressive.

Lily: It’s so aggressive and I’m scared it’s a hack but also I 100% signed up. Other brands have been doing this too? like been asking if they can send me texts. It’s very futuristic and terrifying.

Kate: I feel like it’s because email is so saturated. But a text is a little jarring and disruptive.

Lily: Also, I think it may be because so many people shop from their phones. Like, once I said yes they sent me a click-through.

Kate: Oooo V true!! I get random texts from Express but no one else really, and normally it’a a short text with no pictures lol.

Lily: For me it’s been a lot of natural beauty and skincare brands. I think they hate the approach of a “I’m cute friend who texts you to tell you about sales,” but a lot of the time I’ve never signed up for these I just put my phone number in for packages so they can get past my gate or call me if there’s an issue. It feels like an abuse of power.

Kate: Oooh I get them from Ulta too for sales! As it is, I get so many texts a day that a brand trying to communicate with me over text is just going to be ignored. Instagram ads are the way to get to me.

Lily: Tooooootally. Instagram ads are the absolute best. Especially if they are shop-able and I can click on the little circle for the price and just go.

Kate: The prince thing is the best thing to ever happen to social media.

Lily: I don’t get why brands don’t get that? Like 90% of the time I want to buy something, it’s because I was scrolling on IG and saw it and want to put it on my body or my face. Unless these brands start using the algorithm to text me pictures of products I want…don’t text me!

Monday Link Pack

How are you? How are your New Year’s resolutions going? I’ve already thrown out soooooo many socks and am now left with crazy holiday ones so I am on the hunt for the nice respectable kind. I am thinking either these or these.

As it is the beginning of our first actual week back at work, I have put together a link pack of cool shit on the internet to help you survive either the next ten minutes or all the way until Friday.

I fucking love Melissa McCarthy!! (P.s. the ham sandwiches from Joan’s On Third are divine)

What do you think a paleo, vegan, gluten-free bagel tastes like?

The Curvy Wife guy wrote the BEST Instagram caption–no, seriously!

Aritzia is having a massive sale and I just bought the cutest skirt from it

SEASON 4 CATASTROPHE TRAILER IS HERE

I made this Now & Again chili recipe from Julia Turshen and it was a huge hit! If you don’t have her book you can see the recipe HERE

I plan on making this furikake Chex Mix snack at some point

All I want are these clogs 

My mom DMed me this

I am obsessed with this tattoo artist’s Instagram 

Also, strongly considering purchasing some PamWear

Over Easy is my favorite column on the internet

Mrs. Maisel is hosting SNL and the musical guest is Greta Van Fleet LMAO what is this pairing!!!

Did Chrissy Metz call Allison Brie a bitch on the red carpet?

Come on guys….was this on purpose?

This is my favorite mask ever ever and it makes me so happy!

I tried one of the redness reducing products on this list and am currently loving it

Trying out this Chicago restaurant over the weekend

Just cuz

 

Ketchup Is So Fucking Good On Everything*

French fries, hash browns, chicken nuggets, burgers, and grilled cheese.

Scrambled eggs, fish sticks, potato chips, onion rings, corn dogs, crab cakes, and if it touches your bacon. 

Macaroni and cheese. Matzo brei. Accidentally getting some on your bagel or pancakes. 

Avo-freakin-cados. 

These are all things that taste amazing with ketchup, because ketchup is so fucking good on everything, with a single caveat!

The food item must contain a starch.

Look at the above foods. Besides being mainly things you can order at McDonald’s, what else do they have in common?

A STARCH!

Yesterday one of our Lately editors (who shall remain nameless) posted a photo of her delicious breakfast to her Instagram story and raised mass hysteria because it depicted a hash brown with sliced avocado topped with ketchup.

While some were shocked that an editor who works in food journalism would consume a Trader Joe’s frozen hash brown (which is ridiculous, considering that I make like $4 a week and they are a tasty budget friendly TJ’s item), many were disgusted–nay, devastated! That someone! Would put! Ketchup! ON! AN! AVOCADO!!!!!!!!!

But they were missing the point.

The avocado is anchored to the hash brown aka the starch. We have already established that hash browns taste good with ketchup! If this editor (okay, it’s me guys. I did it) had been having eggs with avocado and ketchup, would you have been so offended? Do you not add things like vegetables to your dishes? Do you not eat your colors? What kind of 5-year-olds are you!!!!

I am a big fan of hot and cold combinations. I love warm brownies with ice cream, Shaq-promoted Icy Hot, and I’ve always been interested in that lube that’s supposed to be cold and warm sensations.

Ketchup is so cooling and so sweet. When I eat it on a hot food like macaroni and cheese (something other people have called me a monster for doing!! which is WILD because it tastes fucking amazing) my mouth sings a little song of joy.

The flavor of ketchup is also like sugar tomatoes. Which is appealing to me, a person who did not like actual tomatoes until roughly this year.

Ketchup is made for the pedestrian palate. Think of how many adults put ketchup on their hotdogs!! The actual one thing I will not do because it is sacrilege to the city of Chicago, Illinois!!

Tr*mp puts ketchup on his steak. Okay…maybe that is a bad example. But still, I think THAT is more outrageous than someone eating a fried potato rectangle with avocado on it and some ketchup.

Basically what I’m saying is, you’re all a big bunch of babies. Not because I’m over hear eating caviar topped snails because I am some sort of big time food editor. No. Because you’re all grossed out by ketchup, on something you 100% would eat if it didn’t have a green vegetable (I guess they’re a fruit?) on it. I’m urging you to try it.

Literally make a scramble with eggs, potatoes, and top it with avocados. Squirt a tiny bit of ketchup on the side. Dip your forkful in, and let the combination make your mouth smile. It’s fucking good, isn’t it?

Now that we’ve got that settled, would this be a bad time to tell you that I do eat avocados plain, with barbecue sauce?

 

 

 

 

Jennifer Garner’s Pretend Cooking Show Is The Only Joy We Have Left In This World

We wanted to be her best friend when she was Jenna Rink, and we want to be her best friend now. Jennifer Garner just seems like such a fucking great person and we could watch her pretend cooking show for hours.

The show is exclusively on her Instagram, which may or may not be the best place on the internet. In a world where opening Twitter can send you into a depression spiral, we’re so thankful that J. Garn exists.

Her latest (non Halloween) cooking video is all about salad. She doesn’t use croutons because if she wants some crunch, she just adds crunchy vegetables or nuts. Omfg. Jennifer you beautiful genius!!! We are NEVER going to use that tip in real life because croutons rule! But we love it and you.

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SALAD: ⬅️ used to mean limp carrot shavings and too cold tomatoes. NOW ➡️ salads are a celebration of what is seasonal and handy. They are also what’s for lunch. Always. #PretendCookingShow #fullepisodeonIGTV! . A blend of greens! Kale  Arugula Sweet mix  Swiss chard . Veggies!  Green beans  Broccoli  Peppers  Shaved Brussels sprouts  Roasted sweet potatoes/butternut squash . Fats!  Cheese  Nuts  Avocado . Grains/Protein A big scoop of warm brown rice  Chicken Whatever else sounds good. . Dressing of your choice! I use straight olive oil and red wine/balsamic vinegar. . The key for me is to pick a variety of the above and CHOP it up so that you aren’t battling a dinner plate sized honk of lettuce every other bite.

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How fucking calming is it to watch Jennifer Garner sing “in you gooooo” to some fish sticks? Answer: TRULY calming as fuck. These are homemade fish sticks that she is making for her family!! The absolute nutrition. Plus, she keeps it real by taking a big bite. “I need a beer,” she says. Jen we’ll grab one for you from the fridge if you tell us what shelf the ketchup is on! Or is she more of a condiments in the door kind of gal? You decide.

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#PretendCookingShow— fish sticks! They’re fast. They’re delicious. #makeextra 🌟Full episode is on #IGTV🌟 . Ingredients: 1 lb of tilapia 1/4 cup of flour Salt Pepper 1 egg 1 cup Panko Bread Crumbs (regular or whole wheat) 3/4 cup Corn Flake Crumbs (or any sweet cereal you like, smashed to bits) Canola oil (or oil of your preference) . Directions: 1.) Trim your tilapia into fish stick size pieces. You want them to be of similar size and thickness. There is always one side of the fillet that is thinner so I make those into “wide and flat sticks” 🤷‍♀️ 2.) Gather three bowls to use for your batter station. . Bowl 1: 1/4 cup of flour, a few big pinches of salt, about a teaspoon of fresh ground pepper. Bowl 2: crack one egg, add a little water, mix with a fork. Bowl 3: combine the Panko and corn flake crumbs. Have an empty plate ready to catch your fish sticks when they are battered. . 3.) Start at bowl one, coat fish piece in flour, shake excess. Dip in bowl two, shake excess. Drop in bowl three, push crumbs into fish until fully coated. Place on plate. Repeat until all fish pieces are done. 4.) About half way through battering, I like to start heating my oil. About 1/4 inch on medium/high. 5.) When the oil is ready, place 5 to 6 fish pieces in your pan (or whatever will fit, giving them some breathing room). 6.) Prepare a plate covered in paper towels to catch fish sticks when they come out of the oil. 7.) They cook through fast. Pay attention to the color. When they are a deep golden brown, flip. When both sides are sufficiently brown, remove from pan and place on paper towel. Sprinkle with salt immediately. 8.) Repeat for remaining fish sticks, add/heat more oil if necessary. 9.) Yum.

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In all of her cooking videos she is singing in some strange Cookie Monster voice, but we’re thriving and vibing. Plus, she includes the recipes to everything she is making so we can cook just like Jennifer too! Oh, Jennifer you are so wonderful. Here she is making pudding. SHE’S TOO GOOD FOR YOU BEN AFFLECK.

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Today we’re talking pudding, people. Basic, delicious chocolate pudding. It’s easy to make, relatively healthy, and you will absolutely love it. Your kids will love it. The full episode with results is on my Facebook page!  Link in bio. If anyone tries this with non-dairy milks and has success, please let me know! #ineverfoundmyfavoritewhisk #😢#notaprettybaker #PretendCookingShow • @smittenkitchen Best Chocolate Pudding Ingredients: 1/4 cup cornstarch 1/2 cup sugar 1/8 teaspoon salt 3 cups whole milk 6 ounces semi- or bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped (or 1 cup good chocolate chips) 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract • Recipe: 1.) Combine the cornstarch, sugar and salt in a medium saucepan. 2.) Slowly whisk in the milk, in a thin stream at first so lumps don’t form, then more quickly once the cornstarch mixture is smoothly incorporated. 3.) Place over medium-low heat and stir occasionally, scraping the bottom and sides. Whisk as necessary should lumps form. 4.) After 10 minutes or so (slower over low heat is better, to give the cornstarch time to cook), before it starts to simmer, the mixture should begin to thicken, enough that it will coat the back of a spoon. 5.) Add the chocolate, and continue stirring for another 2 to 4 minutes, until chocolate is fully incorporated and mixture is quite thick. 6.) Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla. 7.) If you’re concerned about lumps (🙋🏻‍♀️): run the mixture through a fine-mesh strainer. 8.) Distribute among individual pudding cups or one large serving bowl, chill in the refrigerator until it is cool and set, about 2-3 hours. 9.) If you dislike pudding skin (🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️): put plastic wrap on top of the pudding and smooth it gently against the surface before refrigerating. 10.) Pudding is good for 3 days in the fridge. It won’t last that long. @debperelman and I promise. • 🎶: Great British Baking Show

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The Sims-esque music track that backs all of these videos is so weirdly soothing and so is how she sounds like your best friend from summer camp braiding your hair, when she talks. Just let the world wash away…..

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#PretendCookingShow, Episode 4 brings us one of my favorite “pass-it-back” snacks– you know, those easy snacks you can pass back to hungry kids in a car on the way to wherever your afternoons bring you. Here’s a way to make them at home with ingredients you know and can pronounce. The full episode with results is on my Facebook! Link in bio. #passitbacksnack #sofarsogood #notaprettybaker • Ingredients: 2 cups oats 1 cup unsweetened coconut 1/2 cup wheat germ 1/2 cup sunflower seeds 1/4 cup flaxseed 2 tbls butter 1/2 cup honey 1/4 cup brown sugar 1/2 tsp salt 1 tsp vanilla • Recipe: 1.) Preheat oven to 300 degrees. 2.) Combine dry ingredients. 3.) In saucepan melt the butter, honey, brown sugar, salt and vanilla. 4.) Mix all ingredients together. 5.) Line a 9×9 pan with parchment paper and pack it all in there. 6.) Put in oven for ten minutes. 7.) Take it out. Pack it down again and bake another 10 minutes. 8.) Yum. Let them cool. 9.) If you like chocolate (🙋🏻‍♀️) melt some chocolate with a spoonful of coconut oil/Crisco over a double boiler and drizzle over the bars. 10.) Cut. Enjoy! • 🎶: “Scrapping and Yelling” by Mark Mothersbaugh

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This honey video is NOT from her pretend cooking show, but you need to see how she made the music that “Ohhhhh yeah” sexy song while she handles the honey. It’s hilarious and such a bright spot in our days!!!! We love you Jennifer!!! We watched Love, Simon on an airplane, twice!!

Fucking, incredible.