This Is Your Life On Mercury Retrograde

We’re blaming this sh*t for EVERYTHING

Forgetting your car keys inside your already locked home

Spilling coffee down your shirt even though you’re using a straw

Walking into closing elevator doors

Your computer freezing

Your phone freezing

Your brain freezing

Crying at work

Forgetting your lunch

Having a pimple

Having three pimples

Food stuck in your teeth

Spelling erroerss

Instagram is down

Your tweet got 0 likes

Burned toast

Split ends

Your podcast only halfway downloaded and now you’re in a dead zone for another hour

Getting a ticket

A sunburn

Getting ghosted

Getting into a fight

A hair in your food

Choking on literally nothing

Battery dies in your vibrator

No one telling you you have a booger

Getting your period in white pants

Getting your period in any pants, really

A text from your ex

No wifi

 

 

 

Is It Too Late To Buy The Instagram Skirt?

I could have easily just texted Kate about this, but I also wanted to ask all of you.

You know this skirt. You might love this skirt or simply love to hate this skirt, but it is THE INSTAGRAM SKIRT.

If you still do not know to which skirt I am referring, it is the Realisation Par “Naomi” skirt in the wild things print.

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Depending on where you live, you’ve probably seen at least 80 different girls wearing this exact skirt or imitations of this exact skirt.

The further we roll into spring (and the more I see people wearing it with cute tank tops), the more I consider purchasing it. Or purchasing a dupe because this skirt is $180 and I am a $6 oat milk matcha away from being flat broke.

But is it too late to get this skirt????

It’s been around for a while. It’s cycled through all my favorite influencers like a Glossier rep code.

There is already an Instagram dedicated to mocking the women who wear it! Which is:

A. To be expected because god forbid anyone let women enjoy things

B. KIND OF FUCKED UP!

C. Okay, a tiny bit funny

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Found by @cgisom in New York

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It seems to have become a beacon of basic-ness, like Kylie Lip Kits and Lulu Lemon (two things I heartily enjoy but do cringe a tiny bit at indulging in).

But it would look SO cute at the beach or in the desert (PALM SPRINGS 2K19) or on the street or just like hanging up in my closet taunting me to wear it everywhere.

I don’t even know how it’s going to fit! I’ve never even tried it on!

But still the question remains…..should I get this skirt? Is it too late? Has it become passé?

LMK

xo

Summer Activities We’re Super Excited For

It’s getting hot out there and to help us slip into the the “hashtag love summer hate everything else” mindset, we’ve decided to list all the things we’re most excited for this summer 2K19:

Pools

Road trips

Buying expensive sunscreen and forgetting it at home

Sunburns

Backyard barbecues

Watermelon

Playing cornhole

Getting eaten alive by mosquitos

The beach

Summer vacation Instagrams

Summer thirst trap Instagrams

Scrolling through Instagram for like three hours while you sit in the sun

Awkward bathing suit tan lines

Blisters from your new sandals

Trying to sell out-of-season clothing to Buffalo Exchange

Making $2 at Buffalo Exchange

Depression re-watching The Office

Sweating in your car

Sweating on the train

Being sweaty all the time

Chub rub

Rosé

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I Drink Cold Brew I Can…

Leap tall buildings in a single bound

Answer all 376 unread emails

Color code my Google Cal like Audrey Gelman

Vibrate into oblivion

Call my gynecologist to schedule an appointment even though they’re really mean there

Devise a plan for dinner

Write entire paragraphs without looking at my screen

Make memes, crush dreams

Schedule Instagram posts for three separate accounts

Run a marathon

Develop facial blindness (like Brad Pitt!)

Text my best friend 100 times in a row about the magic of coffee

Order food to the wrong address

Send a correction email with too many “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Publicly denounce Pete Buttigieg on Twitter

Delete Twitter

Throw my computer into a dumpster

Rip off all my clothing

Dance naked in the street

Remember all the lyrics to every song in “The Greatest Showman”

See through time

Contact dead relatives

Use 100% of my brain

 

 

 

 

 

24-Hours Of Self-Indulgence

We asked one Lately editor to keep a diary about what she ate/spent/did in one day. The results were a chilling reflection of hedonism.

6:30 A.M. 

I wake up and check my phone. I have a text from my boyfriend, three Instagram notifications (not popular), and eight Twitter notifications (POPULAR (jk it’s all Twitter telling me my followers liked someone else’s tweet)). I am currently working from home so I set up my computer for the morning meeting I am to have in exactly half an hour.

8 A.M.

The morning meeting is over, I pitched some story ideas at work and now I am scrolling through the internet. Things I have open on my browser at all times: The Cut, The Strategist, Amazon, Cup of Jo, Man Repeller, and Twitter. I have yet to drink water or eat anything.

I try to start my days with a glass of ice cold water. I typically forget about said glass of water and by the time it’s 10 a.m., it’s room temperature and I don’t want to drink it anymore so I toss it down the sink and pour a new glass.

I make coffee in my massive cheetah thermos-thing I got from the 99-cents store. My drink of choice is a 6-oz of something from Pete’s that I make in my Keurig plus a shit ton of ice, and a heavy pour of chocolate almond milk. One of these days I am going to freeze coffee ice cubes but also that would involve buying ice cube trays (I want these ice sticks). I have a note in my phone about this that I have ignored for months.

I am starving. I have never woken up and not been absolutely ravenous.

I am a huge fan of breakfast sandwiches, so I toast two slices of whole grain bread in my toaster oven and put two slices of cheddar cheese on one of the two. I fry an egg. I am in the mood for a grilled cheese-vibe, and IMO no grilled cheese is complete without a thin layer of pickle relish.

IF YOU THINK THAT IS DISGUSTING, I URGE YOU TO CLICK THIS LINK THAT CHANGED MY LIFE/TRY IT FOR YOURSELF.

We are out of pickle relish. I put bread and butter pickle chips on it plus a squirt of mustard. Yes, it’s like 8:30 in the morning. She is a salty-centric queen and she makes no apologies.

10 A.M.

I have to pour myself a new glass of water. Lol.

I also realize that I have yet to wash my face/brush my teeth. Right now I am using this Andalou vitamin-c cleanser that my friend Andrew recommended to me. It smells like gummy bears and it’s brightening without stripping me of my natural oils. I am currently moisturizing with Manyo Factory Herb Green Fresh Lotion. I got it from the skincare place in chinatown that Rio Viera-Newton (of “The Strategist” and also of “being an internet cool girl”) loves when I was in New York. It’s called oo35mm and it is really tiny but the people who work there are super helpful and friendly!!

I used to use a lot more stuff on my face but then I got tired and now I don’t!

I brush my teeth.

12 P.M.

I ordered lunch from Health Nut, the place the Kardashians’ used to love, and order their Chinese Chicken Salad. Typically, I get their “Noodlerama” which is salad with cold rice noodles and spicy dressing, but today I feel like eating lettuce with chicken and some tiny crunchy things that Health Nut really needs to consider adding more of.

Recently, I had my deodorant confiscated from the Stockholm airport (why? idk!) so I am in the market for a new deo. I have been using some version of Old Spice ever since college (smells like an ex-boyfriend) but now I want to switch to something natural because I am worried that everything I’m using is killing me!

This deodorant is supposed to 1. work and 2. smell just like Old Spice, plus it’s natural and comes in super chic packaging. On the same Sweden trip, I also thrashed my favorite Madewell transport tote. It’s taken a heavy beating over the past five years traveling with me everywhere from Chicago to Singapore and now it’s completely falling apart.

I order a new one (with a zip-top!) in the color “saddle” because I am nothing if not a basic bitch, forever and ever. But also, if you’re in the market for a travel bag that can fit a weekend’s worth of clothing, an over-stuffed makeup bag, and a laptop–this is the bag for you.

During my purchase I also spy this architecturally interesting bag, but it doesn’t ship until July! So….bye.

2 P.M. 

I’m on Instagram. I really want some hot Cheetos. Has anyone actually purchased Necessaire? I want to try it but also, I think I only want to try it because my favorite Instagrammers are being paid like 5k to post about it all day. They have a body wash, but they also do lotion and lube and stuff. I text Kate about it and make a mental note to circle back later.

I eat a sunbutter cup. It’s like a Reese’s but with sunflower seed butter and dark chocolate (so nothing like a Reese’s). I need more underwear and I am genuinely digging these from Amazon. They’re a dupe for the Gap Body ones we love at Lately, and since the closest Gap Body to me is like 15 miles away, I’ll just Prime these to my house instead.

My to-do list is still a mile long. I have a lot of hand-wash laundry to get to. I have 600 emails to respond to and I feel like at least half of them are embargoed news that I missed while I was OOO (out of office).

I want to make skillet lasagna for dinner.

5:30 P.M. 

After work I watch every episode of Netflix’s “Special” which I HIGHLY recommend. I schedule an appointment with my lash artist in Culver City and with my dermatologist in Agoura– both luxuries that keep me from looking like a drowned rat every day of my life.

Next I grocery shop for everything I need for my lasagna.

It’s from Basically, Bon Appetit’s Millennial-inspired cooking and recipe site, and it looks easy to make. I love cooking and find it soothing. I haven’t had a hard day, but my brain has felt like a mess for a while after having traveled and drank a shit ton and I hoped it would be nice to make myself a meal and enjoy the process of being present in my kitchen.

But spoiler alert, this recipe is not so easy to make!!!! Especially when you’re attempting to halve the recipe and suck at math-slash-are alone and need to use like 4 different bowls and lift a very heavy pan!!

Although I make a mess in the kitchen and my lasagna turns out ugly as sin (also makes more than I can ever possibly eat), it’s fucking delicious and nourishes me in mind, body, and spirit.

Yes, there are nights when all I want is a big salad with a ton of vegetables. I think a baked fish with a side of greens can be a centering experience. But nothing is as especially healing as a big bowl of warm pasta with some sort of spicy red sauce and a lot of cheese. Nothing corrects my center of gravity quite like that. I find my stillness in the noddles. The aromatic sauce and gooey cheese envelopes my soul.

If I were drinking right now, I would be enjoying this experience with a hearty glass of red wine.

Regardless, I feel soothed.

I cuddle up on the couch with my dog and watch “The Bisexual”. Passover starts Friday at sundown and I think about how soon I won’t be able to eat any leavened bread. That means no bagels or breakfast sandwiches. I’m going to practically be a beast for a week. Thank god for matzo brittle.

 

Surprise Bitch! Bet You Thought You’d Seen The Last Of Us

In the words of Cardi B, we’re back bitches. We don’t want to hear we’re acting different–because we’re pretty much the same anyway.

Yes, we took a writing respite because life is a thing that gets in the way and we are only a small (but mighty) team of two busy ladies. But we’re here now! Did you miss us? We missed you.

So much has happened while we were on a break! Glossier came out with a bunch of new products we have no plans to try. The Jonas Brothers are back and they’ve had sex. Tavi Gevinson pointed out that Elizabeth Holmes and Gigi Hadid have the same voice and now we can’t un-hear it!

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My girl Elizabeth Holmes 👁👁💉

A post shared by Tavi Gevinson (@tavitulle) on

Anyway, this is not really a post with any point other than to say HEY! We’re back to our regularly scheduled programming.

So get ready to hear the latest from Lately prettttayyy prettayyyy soon.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

L & K

Should Your Favorite Brands Really Be Texting You?

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Lily: Why is Stuad doing this now? That’s so weird???

Kate: LOL that’s a very interesting take on sending a promo code. It’s aggressive.

Lily: It’s so aggressive and I’m scared it’s a hack but also I 100% signed up. Other brands have been doing this too? like been asking if they can send me texts. It’s very futuristic and terrifying.

Kate: I feel like it’s because email is so saturated. But a text is a little jarring and disruptive.

Lily: Also, I think it may be because so many people shop from their phones. Like, once I said yes they sent me a click-through.

Kate: Oooo V true!! I get random texts from Express but no one else really, and normally it’a a short text with no pictures lol.

Lily: For me it’s been a lot of natural beauty and skincare brands. I think they hate the approach of a “I’m cute friend who texts you to tell you about sales,” but a lot of the time I’ve never signed up for these I just put my phone number in for packages so they can get past my gate or call me if there’s an issue. It feels like an abuse of power.

Kate: Oooh I get them from Ulta too for sales! As it is, I get so many texts a day that a brand trying to communicate with me over text is just going to be ignored. Instagram ads are the way to get to me.

Lily: Tooooootally. Instagram ads are the absolute best. Especially if they are shop-able and I can click on the little circle for the price and just go.

Kate: The prince thing is the best thing to ever happen to social media.

Lily: I don’t get why brands don’t get that? Like 90% of the time I want to buy something, it’s because I was scrolling on IG and saw it and want to put it on my body or my face. Unless these brands start using the algorithm to text me pictures of products I want…don’t text me!