I tried to bake banana bread today. Chrissy Teigen’s recipe. I had been looking forward to it all week and even braved the store to buy some brown-ish bananas. But because I was too excited and didn’t remember to check, I hadn’t noticed that my roommate and I didn’t have a bundt pan to bake it in….or really any proper pan to bake it in. She has an 8×8 brownie tin and tbh it kind of sucks.
The other half of this bad news black and white cookie is that our oven doesn’t heat evenly and I have also found that the temp drops while cooking!
So basically my beloved, vanilla pudding, chocolate chip Chrissy recipe was 75% perfectly baked with a circle of raw banana bread dough in the middle.
That’s kind of how life has felt recently.
We have so many good things and then there’s just this sinister center, spoiling it all. You can delete Twitter, you can avoid Apple News, you can walk from Studio City to Silverlake and fill your Uggs with blood blisters but you can’t outrun the bad news of what’s happening in this life, right now, all over the world.
I texted my best friend Andrew this morning and told him about my bread.
“Honestly, I’ve had that happen before and my advice to you is just…eat the cooked outside and move on,” he said.
This morning it felt overwhelming and exhausting and discouraging to still be quarantining with absolutely no signs of things going back to our regular pace of life. Also, a deli in LA that has been around longer than I have been alive, is closing officially and for some reason that news really sunk me because as a Jew, and as a person who loves delis — I hate seeing good places I went to with my grandparents close.
But after a lot of crying this morning (bc bread and deli and also quarantine) I have decided starting this today, I am going to try to take to heart the words of my best friend — not just in regards to my banana bread (I did eat the cooked portion and it WAS divine. Thank u Chrissy!) but to all aspects of this life and this sucky situation.
I will eat around it.
I will consume the good parts while acknowledging that yes, the under-baked glop did ruin my perfect thing, but that I’ve still got to move on.
There are other breads to bake. And if I don’t feel like baking, fuck it! There are a ton of local bakeries that need help right now and I’ve got the funds. I can find joy in my favorite things in other ways.
Plus, it wasn’t a total loss. It was also a learning experience. I now know I need to buy a bundt tin so like…if anyone can show me a small business that sells bakeware it would bring me joy to give them my coins.
Everything sucks and the world feels horrible but there’s a good 75% that’s still edible and yummy and full of things to enjoy like watching the movie Charade or taking a bath surrounded by scented candles, eating pasta with lots of cheese, or walking all the way to the top of the hill to get a gorgeous view of the valley.
One day all of this will be over.
Eventually.
I hope.
Until then
75% yours
xx
P.S. LESS DEPRESSING POSTS ON THE WAY SOON I SWEAR!!!
When I was in college, I genuinely believed that I would die of embarrassment if a boyfriend saw me without makeup. My mother once told me that Dolly Parton’s husband had never seen her without her full glam on, (which, who knows if this is true lol) so I dedicated myself to always carrying around concealer, a lipstick and of course– mascara.
We could go into the patriarchal structures that put me (and my mom and Dolly) here, but that seems time consuming. Instead I will just say, I feel better with it on. Especially on my eyes.
I have lost probably hours of my life — if you were to add up all the time I spent from ages 14 to 24 — curling my lashes and mascara-ing them in whatever waterproof version of “blackest black” I could find.
This is just facts, okay? My natural lashes are stick straight. They barely hold a curl. They are also that sort of nothing-y “bronde” color that was so popular with celebs in 2016. My sister has eyelashes like a camel (please google camel eyelashes to see that this is a compliment). When she wears mascara, she doesn’t look like she has little sticks jutting out of her eyes, she looks like one blink could carry her away.
ENTER LASH EXTENSIONS
The first time I decided to try lash extensions was because of the rapper Kreayshawn. I was following her on Instagram and couldn’t stop noticing her long, fluffy, perfect inky-black lashes. One day, she tagged the salon. I made an appointment a few clicks later.
That was two years ago. TWO. And I haven’t looked back. The times I have had my normal lashes in between then and now have been because I messed up booking appointments or because I ran out of money and had to wait until the next paycheck to get them.
What’s so good about them???? I wake up and I have lashes. I don’t have sushi rice grains, I have fucking curtains. I don’t have to wear mascara ever expect for when I paint some on my very blonde lower lashes. I just get up and go. It’s so easy!
I feel polished when I have them. I feel pretty. I feel confident. I feel like myself.
While I realize it’s not THAT deep, they’re just tiny hairs glued to my even tinier hairs — CUE CORONAVIRUS
I didn’t have time to book a lash appointment before we were all told to social distance and my lash tech stopped working. I knew my days of perfect lashes were numbered so I tried to enjoy them.
Eventually, I had to remove the 4 that remained stuck to my face (jojoba oil on a cotton round, very gently). It was personally very devastating! And tbh I felt like crying a lot! These lashes — although a luxury — feel like a part of my face.
I guess the only way I can make it make sense to you is this: Imagine one day you woke up and someone had shaved off your eyebrows. While there is a chance they won’t grow back, typically they do. So while you know it’s not the end of the world, you still have to adjust to being like HOLY FUCK I HAVE NO EYEBROWS!!!
Sure you can paint them on but wouldn’t you rather have the eyebrows you actually want???? Wouldn’t you feel a little less like yourself when you look in the mirror, because who is that person? And why don’t they have eyebrows???
(I realize that there are people in this world who are also very self conscious about their white blonde eyebrows/lack of brows. I apologize for using this as an example.)
My boyfriend thinks I’m psychotic because of this. He tutted at me when I over-nighted a lash curler and a new mascara from Sephora once my lashes were totally bare.
But this is the reality I am going to have to live in until April 19 (and probably after then because WTF IS GOING ON). I need to become comfortable with my face. I am not even going to pretend I can get to a place of even partial confidence being bare-lashed. So mascara will just have to do.
I haven’t had to apply it or curl my lashes in TWO YEARS. I feel like a newborn. And there are lots of ups and downs. For some reason, the lashes on my left eye lay much more nicely than on my right eye and will all slip easily into the curler. The lashes on my right eye are pieces of shit and like to fuck up my face! It’s fun having sisters who never seem to have met each other, not twins.
I am so so so so lucky and privileged to be healthy and to be able to work from home and to afford groceries and to even complain about this. But honestly, much like every other part of being alive in this 2020 hellscape, it sucks and I’m just going to have to get over it and move on.
I’ve tried to focus on other parts of my face that I like and that’s been nice.
Turns out I quite like my cheeks. My eyebrows aren’t bad either. No one please go and shave them off though. That’ll really throw me.
As an aspiring VSCO girl, I recently found myself on the internet, surfing for stickers for my Hydro Flask.
If you don’t know what a VSCO girl is, it’s a trend born from extremely online teens (mainly from TikTok) who have created the persona of a girl who edits photos with the VSCO app, wears a lot of scrunchies, oversized tees, makes friendship bracelets, wants to save the turtles by drinking exclusively from non-plastic straws and drinks from a Hydro Flask.
Oh, and she says “and I oop!” and “Sksksk” for some reason.
I don’t feel like doing more research as to why. I am incredibly old.
ANYWAY
They slap stickers on their water bottles.
Because I want to be one of them, I went searching for some suitable stickers to adorn my flask. It led me down a rabbit hole of some truly insane art. This is what I found exclusively on Red Bubble because I didn’t feel like mining Etsy:
SIDE NOTE: Trends aside, Hydro Flasks are actually really great water bottles. I have kept ice in my water for HOURS without it melting. I’m very impressed.
If you have no idea what they are, they’re basically pimple-fighting bandaids that come in a variety of shapes and sizes. You’ve likely seen them on your cool little cousin’s face via Instagram story.
I like them a lot because when I wear them, I don’t pick at spots on my face, which I’m prone to doing–thereby avoiding a large ugly scab!
If you’re anything like me (a 26 year old who still gets acne) then at some point you’ve probably tried them out. You were standing in line at Sephora or Urban Outfitters and saw pimple patches in the impulse buys and thought, “eh…what hell?”
Then you went home and after a few days of sticking shit to your face, were like wtf this doesn’t work.
However, if you’re actually insane like me, you’ve wasted a shit ton of money tried so many of them you now know what DOES work and want to share the wealth.
These were the first pimple patches I ever tried because my actual goddess Rio Viera-Newton said they were good and her word is typically bible. These are good for sucking the gross stuff out of a mostly surface level pimple. They do best on a flat space like a forehead, front of the chin or cheek. They come in a variety of sizes but they aren’t very flexible and if you have a zit that’s on an angular part or anything curved, it’s not going to stay put.
While these are awkward size wise (they only come in one size), I find that they tend to stick to the contours of your face better than some others. While these aren’t my first choice for cystic spots (deep, painful ones that won’t pop) these are pretty good at reducing inflammation. Plus, they’re sold at Sephora so you don’t have to bother with online ordering bullshit.
If you suffer from the occasional cystic, painful, deep, never popping pimple…. These are the fucking BEST!!!!!! They are outfitted with little “needles” (not actual needles, it’s like little pointy edges) that penetrate your spots, allowing the acne medicine to go deeper into the afflicted area. I slap this puppy on right when I feel trouble emerging and seriously it’s better in like a day or two. Reduces redness, size, pain…everything. I would NOT use this on a white head or a more surface level pimple because it can be drying to the area/over kill.
The only annoying thing about Acropass is that I can really only find it on SokoGlam or very occasionally at Riley Rose (in store and online) so it’s smart to have a back stock of these otherwise you’re going to pay that $$$$ overnight shipping.
BIG fan of Mighty Patch. BIG fan. You can get these in a bunch of sizes and they even sell sheets now so you can cut them yourself if you desire a particular shape. They are soooo thin and invisible you can wear them under makeup if you want or just out alone and people will really have to squint really hard at your face to see where you have one on. They’re not super effective on deep spots, but they WILL work on most things from white heads to like proper pimples that you think will pop by E.O.D.
Cutest packaging award goes to Starface. Starface was created by Julie Schott aka who I wish I was on Instagram/in life. These little yellow star pimple patches are so friendly looking you can’t help but look forward to getting a spot so you can slap one on. They’re thin and their star shape makes them adhere easily to any contour on your face and stay put. What I REALLY like about these is how hydrating they are. I’ll be honest, they don’t do much in the reducing inflammation department but they will hydrate your spot if you’ve been picking at it or if whatever you’ve been using to combat it is drying you out.
I think they’re super adorable and wear them out into the world. However, both Kate and I have separately done this and different people have told us “Oh…you have a little mustard on your face.”
ANYWAY
If you’ve never tried a pimple patch before and you have acne (or a spot), consider it. They’re way better looking than that gross clay stuff that’s supposed to dry it out but never works. Promise.
Never mind that the Earth is on fire and it’s 85º in various parts of the country. It’s FALL, witch.
Time to put your favorite cozy sweater on, change your Twitter handle to some sort of spooky pun and blast that AC while you bake pumpkin bread.
In celebration of Oct. 1 and also because we haven’t written anything in a long ass time, here’s a link pack of fall shit we think is cool/wanna do/buy/see/eat/etc…
Have you seen these Everlane “Glove” boots? The chestnut color would look amazing in a pumpkin patch/apple orchard.
I made these brownies and my sister said they were the best she ever tasted. Don’t read the comments that say they take like 20 mins to bake. They take about 40. They’re SUPER fudgey.
I recently discovered that the majority of my friends don’t know what kugel is. It’s a sweet (or savory) Jewish noodle (and sometimes potato) casserole. My gentile boyfriend likened it to flan (he’s wrong though). Regardless, I would love to try this Molly Yeh cardamom and apple kugel recipe to enjoy when I break the fast post Yom Kippur. FYI you can eat kugel hot OR cold.
“Snack Break” is Lately’s new interview series where we chat with people we think are interesting for about as long as it takes you to finish your work snack. Our first in the series is with The Broke Yolk founder and friend of Lately, Tori Hyndman.
Tori Hyndman is one of the funniest people on the internet.
She’s the creative force behind The Broke Yolk, the most entertaining food and lifestyle blog that you’re not reading yet, but need to be.
Hyndman does it all from suburban food tours to easy recipes to snarky side comments that will have you howling. Her voice is that of your best friend who also knows how to whip up the perfect hash AND make a mean martini. She’s who you want in your kitchen but also who you want in your phone to call when you’ve drunk texted your ex on the way to get 2am pizza.
Lately was lucky enough to ask our longtime internet friend a few questions. Check them out below!
So, why did you start The Broke Yolk?
TBY: I started The Broke Yolk because I was getting tired of Twitter being the only place I could write/scream into the void. I do some writing at work but I don’t have the ability to drone on about non-dairy milks or deliberately call out the guy who I hooked up with last Halloween. I think I just wanted a new place to talk about food and what I’m cooking. And I wanted to be creative and try my hand at graphic design and work on my website skills.
Who is inspiring you rn?
TBY: I am a fan of women doing cool things in the food and restaurant space – Molly Yeh makes me want to be happy and bake cakes. Ina Garten makes me feel like I can roast a bird, luxuriate and order custom shirts and not feel bad about it. My mom is a great cook who taught me to use an obscene amount of garlic and I will forever thank her for that. I like Alison Roman’s red-orange nails.
Not Bobby Flay he sucks.
LOL. I know you’re also obsessed with the Bon Appetit staff. A lot of people on the internet are these days. I sadly am not. Please explain this to me!!
TBY: I am not “obsessed.” I did have an unhealthy crush on a human employed by the magazine and slid into DMs more than once but I have moved on and am better for it.
People love BA, especially the Test Kitchen crew, because the content is centered around beautiful people making delicious food while they hanging out with (what appears to be) their friends. The newer verticals like Basicallyand Healthyishare doing a good job of meeting Millennials and Gen Z where they are and what they want out of cooking/feeding themselves.
Mostly I think people like BA because the Test Kitchen people are hot and are all individually micro-influencers. Personally, I think they’re all sleeping with each other.
What’s YOUR best cooking advice, Toe?
TBY: Wolfgang Puck told me to learn how to make one thing really well (I didn’t think that was great advice, but it’s my only chance to say that Wolfgang Puck gave me cooking advice, so take it haters).
Okay then to make it more relatable, what’s your worst cooking mistake?
Sometimes I leave the oven/a burner on which is scary I guess because we could die. Other than that, and the time I accidentally dropped all of my ravioli down the garbage disposal when draining the water, I like to roll with the punches.
You currently live in D.C….where are your favorite places to eat?
TBY: Depends on the occasion and who’s buying but I love Le Diplomate. It’s a Steven Starr restaurant (Philly-based restaurateur) so I feel a kinship to my cheesesteak brethren when I eat there. Regardless, everything is so yummy.
Must-gets are the oysters (seafood tower if you’re not paying), the gougères, which are these little airy bread-cheese puffs of heaven, the warm shrimp salad, the mushroom tart, roast chicken, crème brûlée— it’s all so good.
What would your last meal be?
TBY: Probably shake shack ☹
Give me three people (living or dead) that you would love to eat a meal with.
TBY: I always get nervous with these questions because I don’t think I want to eat a meal with three strangers??? I would be so nervous. Picking people I know seems weird unless they are dead relatives or something.
Can I bring a friend? If so, it would be Friend, Mindy Kaling, and BJ Novak because I mostly just want to see how Mindy and BJ vibe in real life. Is there tension? Does he listen or smile when she speaks? I need to know.
I’m not cooking (because what if it’s bad). We can order in some fancy takeout and I’ll bring wine and a dessert from a nice bakery.
I will also make note of how much BJ tips the delivery guy.
I can’t believe I am the friend you are bringing to dinner with Mindy and BJ! Thanks! But if it was just us, where would you take me?
TBY: In D.C. I would take you to this place called Little Sesame for lunch. It’s a yummy hummus shop and it’s so good and decorated all cute. For dinner we could do Compass Rose or Iron Gate for nice ambience and good cocktails. There’s a cool vegan restaurant called Fancy Radish we could go to because I haven’t tried it yet!
You’re on your way to becoming an influencer. What food or beverage brand would you want to sponsor you?
TBY: Eggland’s Best needs a hot young face and I am up for the challenge.
Let’s say you come out with a cookbook. What are you going to name it?
TBY: Eggs n’ stuff. Cooking with Friends (your anxiety and depression). I’m still brainstorming.
Also, you are my only friend who makes martinis and I love that about you. Tell me what got you into this?
TBY: My mom is my martini inspiration! [Queen Jag] loves dirty vodka martinis (exclusively Ketel One) and taught me how to make one. I do strictly vodka over gin, extra dirty, and I LOVE a blue cheese stuffed olive.
My mom always says, “no vermouth” when she orders them, but honestly, I can’t tell the difference. You can get buzzed off one drink which makes ‘Tini Time classy and economical!
If the whole internet isn’t reading The Broke Yolk by now, they SHOULD. What are some things you want your new readers (and old readers I guess) to take away from your posts? Besides laughing at all your incredible asides, of course.
TBY: I want them to learn that you do not need to be cool or hot or good at cooking to make food and have fun with it (I am however all of those things so I see where this can get confusing). I want them to allow themselves to feel feelings and not feel guilty about whatever they’re putting in their mouths (I want to allow myself that too).
What post should they start with?
TBY: I’ve only been posting for about a year and I’ve only posted like 10 times…but I worked really hard on the one about my hometown’s weird eating spots. It was fun to write when I was hiding from my family at my parent’s house over the holidays and I came out of it with an appreciation for the strange, but also extremely normal, place I grew up.
I also love the Glossary page (does that count as a post?) because I say wild things and I want to continue to say wild things and play with language and abbreviation and acronyms so I like the idea of having a resource for my readers to learn a little more about me and why I say the things I say.
Maybe you know (or maybe you have a life) but Billie Eilish unfollowed YouTuber Tana Mongeau on Instagram and it ruined her existence day.
She even made a vlog about it.
I don’t know anything about Mongeau other than the fact that I think she got married to one of the Paul brothers (the one who didn’t take a video of a dead body). However, I respect the level of extra she is being over this unfollow.
Billie Eilish is a queen. Unfollowing Mongeau is like revoking her stamp of approval. She is officially no longer “cool” by music prodigy/baggy clothes wearing/green haired, William Eyelash’s standards.
Damn. That must feel cold ASF.
Luckily, there are really only a few celebs I would lose my lunch over if they unfollowed me.
***Please note, none of these people currently follow me (and probably never will!)****
Chrissy Teigen
Chrissy unfollowing me would be a deep personal burn I would never heal from. I feel like we like/talk about a lot of the same things??? Don’t reject me Chrissy! We have the same face shape and I use your pics for hair inspo!!!
Luna Stephens
She doesn’t have an Instagram because she’s 3 years old but IF SHE DID (or in the future) if she ever followed and then UNFOLLOWED me, I would throw myself off a cliff. She is my favorite celebrity baby!!!!
North West
This is a personal rejection I would not be able to face.
Rihanna
People would have to hide sharp objects from me if this happened.
Martha Stewart
Honestly, I would understand if she unfollowed me. She’s such a fucking queen. But if she unfollowed me it would disappoint my mom and my grandma a lot lol.
Diane Keaton
Genuinely love her social media presence and would cry if she and her multiple layers of black and white clothing and accessories clicked “unfollow.”
Harry Styles
Let’s be real, him FOLLOWING me would send me into a tailspin.
