Tag: internet

Sunday Funday Link Pack

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Lately, writing has felt mostly like work. At my day job, the holidays start in September. The closer you to get to Thanksgiving/Black Friday/Christmas/Chanukah/New Year, the busier it gets. I write so many words a day, I frequently feel like I’ve run out. Like I have nothing more to say.

Well, that’s not true — I could be dead exhausted and still write a bangin’ Instagram caption about my SNL crush, Michael Longfellow.

But I’m here now. I’m rested and ready to have some fun. I’m dogsitting for my parents and eating all of the cookies in their pantry. I’m currently watching The Great British Baking Show and drinking my second cup of coffee. It’s Sunday, and boy do I have a lot of fun links for you!

Speaking of coffee, my parents have the worst Keurig in the world. It’s old, it takes forever to heat up and it only makes coffee pods. MOM DON’T READ THIS PART — I’ve decided that I’ll be upgrading their old ass Keurig to an Instant Pot Dual Pod Plus. This kitchen gadget makes coffee AND espresso. Plus, it’s compatible with K-Cup pods, the reusable coffee pods my mom likes that you can also put tea in and Nespresso capsules.

My friend Mijal’s sister wrote a book, and now it’s a TV show about their lives. No, really. It’s called El Fin Del Amor and it’s streaming on Amazon Prime now.

Looking for something to read? I couldn’t put this book down. I heard the author on The World’s First Podcast and bought the book the very next day.

These are the best socks. They’re nice and thick and look great with any outfit you pair them with. I’m currently wearing them in grey and black.

I loved this very cozy movie.

It’s finally chili weather! This is my favorite chili recipe. I recommend topping it with sliced avocado and some shredded cheddar.

When my sister and I were teens, we swore that when we grew up, we’d have exclusively Anthropologie dishes and drinkware. Well we’re adults now…so why not? I think fancy cups/plates/dining accoutrements make an excellent holiday present ;)))) (Hiiii to my sister if she is reading this!!). I mean how gorgeous are these dessert plates?

For all my peeps dating an older man.

I am BEYOND hyped for Fleishman Is In Trouble. It’s so nice to see Jesse Eisenberg in something again!! The rest of the cast is incredible. Lizzy Caplan? Claire Danes? Adam Brody?? HELLO!!! Did you read the book? It’s also really good. (Wow this is a book heavy link pack.)

Update: I DID get the Dae monsoon moisture mask. It is every bit as good as I had hoped it would be!! If you have thick, dry hair — get this. It also smells incredible.

My bed doesn’t have a headboard…and now I want one. I don’t know when the bouclé trend will end but I hope it’s never. As a person with mild sensory issues, the nubby feeling is extremely good for me.

Remember this old post that’s just soothing photos of casseroles?

‘Tis the damn season:

xo

L

Everything I want from the Sephora VIB Rouge sale

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The Sephora Rouge sale starts Oct. 28. All Rouge members receive 20% off through Nov. 7.

This is everything I have my eye on right now.

I get $0 from talking about any of this btw. I just love sharing product recs. If you hypothetically DID want to give me money for talking about beauty/skincare….find me on Twitter.

iNNBEAUTY PROJECT Slushy Serum Moisturizer Crush Infused with Bakuchiol

I’ve slowly become obsessed with this brand. I love the retinol and the peptide moisturizer. I really want to try the Slushy serum moisturizer and the skin barrier protect and glow.

dae Monsoon Moisture Mask

A TikTok user with the most beautiful hair I’ve ever seen said she uses this hair mask.

Westman Atelier Vital Skincare Dewy Foundation Drops

I’ve become quite the Westman girlie these days. Gucci Westman’s products are bux-deluxe but worth it. I’m obsessed with my Westman contour stick. It blends better than Rare Beauty AND Fenty. The color is the perfect cool tone without looking ashy on my fair/pink skin. I also LOOOOVE her highlight stick which gives an extremely dewy finish. I know these foundation drops will round out my collection nicely.

Kosas Air Brow Tinted Clean Volumizing Eyebrow Gel

This is the best brow gel on the market. Period. I’m also out of my mine so I need to replenish.

Bio Ionic 10X Pro Styling Iron

Every hair dresser I’ve ever had has told me to buy this flat iron. Since I’ve the same flat iron since 2011…..it might be time to listen and upgrade to the Bio Ionic 10X Pro.

Shani Darden by Déesse PRO LED Light Mask

I’m gonna need you to pretend that this isn’t $1,900. My building just contacted me to let me know they’re raising my rent by 10%. Even with that inflation, my rent still costs less than this face mask!!! I really love red light and I want to believe it works. I always select it as an add-on when I get a facial. Also….that reminds me — I need to book a facial.

OUAI Rue St. Honoré Eau De Parfum

The chokehold!!! Jen Atkin has over me!!! I guess I’m collecting all the Ouai perfumes. I have Melrose Place (my fave. it’s very rosy) and Dean Street (sometimes I love it and sometimes it smells too much like clean laundry). Now I want Rue St Honoré. The packaging is so adorable! These perfumes look so good lined up on my vanity. They’re 20% off!! How could I not?

Tower 28 Beauty MakeWaves Lengthening + Volumizing Mascara

Should I try this? I’m running out of my Curl Bounce mascara.

Charlotte Tilbury Pillow Talk Dreams Come True Makeup Vault

If I were rich I would buy this! It includes every CT item you could ever dream of.

Hope you’re having a good week. I’m not!

xo

L

My Honest Taylor Swift ‘Midnights’ Review

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I used to be extremely h*rny for the past. I made sure every song I listened to took me back to pre-pandemic. I wanted to taste that sweet spot between 2012 and 2018 so badly again, and make the flavor last forever. But as of late, that sort of nostalgia has been making me ….sick? I don’t know if I’ve moved on or outgrown the saccharine taste of my former lives.

I think maybe I just don’t need it anymore.

Lately, I’ve been blooming where I’m planted. And that’s firmly rooted in the present. There is too much going on right now to waste precious brain power praying to the memory of a sweaty Saturday night in Santa Monica.

It’s not even because I like my life so much? I mean I do. But my devotion to feeling my current emotions isn’t because they’re better than they’ve ever been. But they’re definitely not worse.

Also, why did I just rhyme lol.

As someone obsessed with introspection (really just navel-gazing), I think I can definitively say I’m over the hurt. And by hurt, I mean the self-flagellation of reminiscing. It used to feel like a little treat to pick at the old wounds of toxic relationships and talk myself in circles — imagining different scenarios — living in a universe where I was still experiencing that life, and paying for it dearly. But why?? Maybe that’s something only my therapist can know.

There’s nothing to let go of if your hands were always empty to begin with. I’m just balling up my fists.

And maybe that’s why I’m having trouble getting into the new Taylor Swift album!! I can’t with the nostalgia porn anymore! About my life or anyone else’s. Her music marked certain milestones in my 20s that I am tired of re-living again and again. If she’s speaking about her current experience I’m not hearing it. Or maybe it’s just too different from mine? My boyfriend and I are not in some sort of mythical romance that takes us to dark bars at midnight where we can hide from the paparazzi. At midnight I’m asleep and he’s reading Fire & Blood on his iPad.

The threat of performing the mental gymnastics to get back to a place where I can relate to her words exhausts me. I think I now prefer the narratives of Evermore. It’s even hard for me to appreciate the celebrity of it all because we, as an audience, know so much about her life. I feel as though I can speak on Taylor Alison Swift like she is a childhood friend. I feel immense affection for her. But that doesn’t mean I have the urge to keep reading her diary.

Of course, I will listen to this album 1000 more times. I am going to a Taylor Swift party this evening! I’m sure it will grow on me…..like mold. 🙂 Maybe I just need to experience it drunk and in an Uber. There used to be no greater high than ignoring the stranger driving me to nefarious destinations, blasting music that felt like an Old Fashioned-sweet tongue in my ear, calling me names.

But do I still crave that??? (No.)

There’s an album out there right now that makes me feel things for the present moment. I don’t have to picture myself at 22 or 24 or 26 to “get there.” I’m here now, and I feel the same release absolutely sober, absolutely alone, absolutely present — no matter if I’m on my morning walk or it’s pitch black outside. I won’t tell you what it is but if you follow me on Instagram I’m sure you can guess.

I don’t need midnights. I have 9am reconciliations with my barista. I have 7pm meeting friends for dinner angst. I have a 10pm bedtime. And I feel SO MUCH for where I am now. I want to swallow it whole because I know that it will become nostalgia again soon. The feeling of now will taste so sweet in the years to come.

TLDR; You’ll love Midnights if you need it. If you don’t, there’s always Carly Rae Jepsen or The 1975.

Saturday Link Pack

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Hi, I’m back.

How are you?

I hit 10k steps today before noon and I can’t get my work computer to remember my new password. I don’t really feel like shooting the shit today. I’m in a bad mood. But I do feel like linking! So here’s a link pack.

I just started the Peacock series A Friend of the Family which is based on this absolutely BONKERS documentary Abducted in Plain Sight. I have high hopes that the scripted version will do the original story justice. It has Colin Hanks, Jake Lacy and Anna Paquin.

This Lush shower gel smells like dessert.

You know I love Poppy Lissiman. I want to upgrade my old fanny pack to this chic-looking crossbody for when I go on walks.

I love Ugly Baby’s shower art. Their Halloween suction cup pieces always do it for me. Especially this one.

This candle is so pretty.

I have TWO movie recommendations for you. The first is Triangle of Sadness. The second is Catherine Called Birdy. Watch them and text me what you think.

I happen to think Ghirardelli makes theeee best brownie mix on the planet. I made Ghirardelli brownies topped with homemade Oreo buttercream frosting for my family’s break the fast celebration. They were a major hit!

If you’ve been following my quest for a great pair of black jeans — I think I’ve found them.

This is everything sitting in my Sephora cart right now: Charlotte Tilbury Pillow Talk on the Go Eye and Lip Set, Patrick Ta Double-Take Crème & Powder Blush (in the shades “Do We Know Her?” and “She’s That Girl”, re-up of my K18 and Murad Retinol Youth Renewal Eye Masks.

Every day I’m closer to buying these pretzel earrings. I’m not joking.

I know I’m late to the party…but I want this cookbook. I want to make fat noodles with pan-roasted mushrooms and chicken legs with warm spices!!

Have a good rest of your weekend.

x

L

Manifest your dreams, marry Nick Jonas

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Once upon a time, I had a therapist who told me to keep a journal. In that journal, she wanted me to list 5 things I was grateful for and 5 things that I wanted to happen, every single day.

I don’t remember her name (Tamara? Heather? Nancy?) and can only vaguely mentally conjure the image of her face. But I DO remember that she was huge into The Secret and once told me a story about going on a double date to Cheesecake Factory with her husband, and that the other couple snuck away to do cocaine.

She did tell me that story for a reason. Unfortunately, that reason has been lost to time!

ANYWAY. Sometimes I still journal in this way. Especially when I’m angry or sad or the day before had elements of negative shit that I’d like to remain in the past.

When I’m not on Miami Boys Choir TikTok (team Binyomin, btw), I’m inundated with TikToks about reiki healing, manifestation techniques, jumping timelines and special crystals.

While I love receiving reiki as ASMR ….IDK if it works. I hope it does!!! That would be sick. I’d also love to have a session IRL to compare because any reiki I’ve experienced has just been via my phone. Jumping timelines sounds exhausting and like a lot of work just to feel like I have a more beautiful face or a better job. And crystals… I own a ton of pretty rocks and used to hide rose quartz at an ex-boyfriend’s apartment. He cheated on me anyway.

My grandpa had a paranormal talkshow for many years.

Yes, that sentence was as strange for me to write down as it was for you to read!

Zayde was a very serious man who largely called BS on pretty much all of it. Before he died, he told me I could ask him whatever I wanted, and he would tell me the truth about everything: ghosts, mind readers, energy healing, crystals, the zodiac, evil spirits, whatever. He said 2% of it all MIGHT be real.

But he didn’t say WHICH 2%.

I am choosing to believe that part of that real 2% is manifestation. I’m not saying I believe in The Secret (sorry former therapist Rochelle/Joanne/Matilda) but I think something must happen in your brain? in your reality? in the universe? When you write shit down or say it enough times that you actually start to believe it.

I think it’s all related to perception. Maybe once you choose to accentuate the positive, you have an easier time seeing it everywhere. It starts to feel like good things are all around. Maybe they start to feel like they flow more easily toward you. Or maybe TikTok was right and manifesting opens the timeline jumping portal to better skin. WHO CAN SAY, REALLY?

But I think it works. Maybe I’m not living in a mansion (yet), but I think journaling has helped me feel like I am attracting the things (or at least the energy) that I want. When I journal I’m not asking for things. I’m more so reminding myself, this is what you’re working towards. Sometimes it’s a job promotion and sometimes it’s an under $60 gel manicure.

Like my former therapist, the TikTok manifestation girlies are all about the power of writing down their intentions/things they want to manifest. They start small (and I do too.)

When I write down 5 good things, I’m reminding myself how lucky I am that I got to have my favorite coffee this morning. That I went for a walk in the sun. If I were journaling right now, I’d mention how grateful I am that 1. I am dating my delicious little boyfriend and that 2. He went out and bought me a delicious little chocolate chip cookie after lunch today.

What else am I manifesting? Continued good health. General prosperity. A really hot Instagram photo.

You can write down whatever you want.

I’m just spitballing.

Can you believe this post was originally going to be all about condo hunting on Zillow??

ANYWAY

Manifest your dreams, marry Nick Jonas, log off early.

xo

L

Wednesday Link Pack (sorry I couldn’t come up with a more compelling title)

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It’s the hump of the week!

Time for a link pack.

I recently got into a fight with my coworkers about air fryers. I think my air fryer rocks (they think air fryers take up too much space and also suck). I say they’re just using the wrong air fryer. My air fryer is thee best. It’s thee most-used kitchen gadget in my apartment and it deserves a spot on my counter. This is the one I have. If I was going to upgrade to a new one, I’d choose this one (because it has a little window).

Madewell is offering 40% off all sweaters for Madewell Insiders! I worked at Madewell in college (and a little after). I think Madewell sweaters always hit. They’re perfect for work/dressy family events/anything where you can’t show up in pajamas but don’t have the energy to really dress up. I already own this espresso-toned pullover, but if I were shopping the sale I’d buy: this striped number, this stunning duster and this quarter-zip. Remind me to write about working in retail another time.

I’ve finally found the perfect black cowboy boots. I can’t get enough of this trend for fall.

I think I might make these apple pie cookies for my family’s Rosh Hashanah celebration.

This TJ’s pasta with a little pesto, topped with a fried egg? Perfection.

I’m obsessed with these skincare ASMR TikToks. Like ….almost ready to book a flight to Dallas for a facial, obsessed.

I’ll be in Chicago next week! I can’t wait for fall weather and hanging out with my best friend. In case you feel like arguing today, my fave Chicago pizza is Pequod’s and my fave Chicago hotdog is Wiener’s Circle.

I am currently on the hunt for the perfect pair of black jeans. I really have my eyes on these (out of stock 🔪), but I also like these and these.

Did you watch Do Revenge? I did. The best part of the movie was the soundtrack. And it’s on Spotify!

I love this artist. I found her on Instagram!

Speaking of Instagram…..please buy me this funky cow pillow.

I love u, u love me

L

Movies that feel like a hug

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Since we’re about to hit the season of canceling plans and staying in, I’m thinking about all the best cozy-making movies.

I’m talking movies that make you want to pour a glass of wine, light a damn candle and cuddle up under a big blanket.

But sometimes all that coziness can wear off while you’re trying to decide what to watch. Don’t stress! I have created a list of the coziest, easiest movies to put on. These movies just feel like a hug. Some are about lovers some are about friends some are about family.

It’s Sunday! Skip the scaries.

Tuck yourself in. It’s time to watch….

It’s Complicated

Let the Nancy Meyers of it all soothe your soul. Team Jane and Adam FTW. Alec Baldwin’s character can gtfo.

Practical Magic

This witchy little movie is perfect for a fall evening. P.s. I love this hair on Nicole Kidman!!

Mystic Pizza

My crush on Vincent D’Onofrio began when I saw him as Thor in Adventures in Babysitting. This movie made me crush even harder. Why does he look so good in a beanie? Why is he so cute with Lili Taylor?

Serendipity

The shmaltz of this Christmas movie is absolutely everything. Watch this movie if you’re tired of the random chaos of life and want to believe in fate and true love (even if only for 90 minutes).

The Holiday

Imagine how different your life could be if you swapped homes with someone (rich) in another country! You might fall in love with Jude Law! Or maybe just grocery shop in what looks like the best possible grocery store of all time?

Shoutout to my best friend Andrew, this is his favorite movie.

Last Holiday

This movie is a feast for the eyes and the heart!! Watch Queen Latifah live her best life (as her character Georgia). This movie will make you want to stay in a fancy hotel, eat delicious food and live every day like it’s your last.

When Harry Met Sally

In a pinch, any Meg Ryan movie will do. They all feel like hugs. Watch this one if you’re in the mood for friends to lovers. Or just if you find Billy Crystal as charming as I do.

You’ve Got Mail

Watch this one if you’re looking for enemies to lovers. Or if you need to learn how to spell Fox. F-O-X. (This doubles as a movie reference/an inside joke with someone who definitely doesn’t read this blog.)

Sleepless in Seattle

This is just straight lovers. In my ranking of Meg Ryan movies I would put WHMS first, then Sleepless in Seattle. I love the opening shot with Chicago, all the scenes with Tom Hanks on the dock, the way he’s on the phone as he says “mmmmagic.” Just delicious.

French Kiss

Watch this if you’re sick of seeing Meg Ryan with Tom Hanks. This movie is funny and silly and light and keeps you guessing.

The Five-Year Engagement

Please ignore this exceedingly long caption in….Russian? I think? My sister is the one who told me about this movie and it’s so sweet.

Definitely, Maybe

I can’t watch this movie without crying a lot. Another movie about love and timing and a dumb guy who can’t seem to get it right. But it all works out in the end. Because of course it does, this movie is like a hug!

Waitress

Absolutely yes. Also this movie WILL make you want pie.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

I am a big believer in the medicine of watching anything with John Candy. He always comes across as funny, smart and sweet. This buddy movie is no exception. Ofc Steve Martin is great too.

Uncle Buck

Uncle Buck is probably my favorite movie ever. Part of it was filmed at my dad’s high school! Also this is the movie that allegedly inspired John Hughes to make Home Alone with Macaulay Culkin.

Only the Lonely

This is a John Candy romcom. It’s a little off-beat but I personally think it’s cute.

Defending Your Life

I have a soft spot for Albert Brooks. He’s so grouchy! And this movie about what happens after you die is very silly. Plus, Meryl Streep!

Modern Romance

Again, Albert Brooks is everything.

Baby Boom

Basically this is me in 10 years. Business bitch gets a baby, moves to the country, becomes applesauce mogul. I would say spoiler but this movie came out in 1987.

Paper Moon

My heart!!!!!! The sweetest movie about a father and daughter (maybe).

Barefoot in the Park

The two hottest people on the planet sharing a shitty apartment and being in love? Yes please.

Anyway

I have to go dry my hair now.

xo

L

Boo-sted Baby! 👻

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Hello from paradise!

I’m sitting on my couch with a pumpkin cream cold brew, streaming House of Ho while a pumpkin praline-scented WoodWick candle crackles in the foreground. It was 70º when I took my walk this morning and I spent my lunch break bookmarking fall coats on Nuuly. My NYT Cooking widget has been showing me a recipe for cinnamon babka all day.

This is living.

My therapist would call this an “oasis of calm.” I would call this “the calm before the storm.” I got my combination Covid booster-flu shot this morning. My left arm freakin hurts, I’ve had a headache all day and I’m starting to get a little hot and sweaty despite the fact that I have the A/C on.

So in an effort to prolong this pumpkin oasis of peace (tragically, the initialism for that comes out to P.O.O.P.)….

Let’s look at some links!

I NEED this fuzzy checkerboard coat. Don’t sell it out before I can Nuuly it.

This Cup of Jo piece about crushing on Daryl McCormack totally gets it right. That accent! *sWOon*

Do you listen to The World’s First Podcast with Erin & Sara Foster? Well, you should. This is my favorite episode. It’s all about manifesting, healing and creating your own set of non-negotiables.

I really want to see Spin Me Round. This movie has it all: fake Olive Garden, Molly Shannon, Aubrey Plaza being sexy, Zach Woods (also being sexy), pasta, mystery, intrigue!

I love practicing these jaw massage techniques. I don’t know how NOT to clench my jaw so these intentional moments of relief are necessary — I lowkey need masseter botox (hmu if you know a good spa).

How do I convince my boyfriend to go in on these cool kitchen chairs with me?

These little ghost candles are too cute to light.

Just some Rosh Hashanah socks.

I love Jake Cohen’s challah recipe. He shares a bunch of tips on how to make the perfect challah here.

Imagine getting cozy under this positively MASSIVE blanket.

I want a new carry-on bag. After seeing 8 million TikToks about it, I think I’ve been influenced to get this one from Beis.

How cute are these pumpkin gnocchis?

Anyway!

I hope you’re embracing your inner fall queen. I’m enjoying being old and basic as hell.

Love you/talk soon/it’s 6pm and I’m falling asleep

L

My Mom’s Best-Ever Vegetarian Chopped Liver Recipe

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Rosh Hashanah is just two weeks away. In honor of the impending Jewish New Year (5783 baby!), I’m sharing my mom’s really, truly, so very good recipe for vegetarian chopped liver.

If you’ve made it this far and you’re thinking “what the heck is chopped liver?” It’s basically Jewish foie gras.

It’s a pâté.

It’s a meat spread made of chicken livers, eggs, onion and spices.

Chopped liver is savory, iron-y and delectably rich. Some people avoid it for health reasons. Some people avoid it for vegetarian reasons. Some people avoid it because they find the idea of eating liver kind of gross.

Most of my family isn’t big on meat. I’m sorry if this makes you so mad you stop reading right now. But also, it’s 2022. Please get over it.

Sure, my great grandma has a delicious chopped liver recipe that we bust out on occasion. When we gather for the holidays we usually have a brisket or some form of chicken. But most of our dishes are mainly veg/carbs (shoutout to kugel).

Vegetarian chopped liver is always the star appetizer. The herbaceous, meat-free spread evokes the seasonings and consistency of real chopped liver, without being… ya know… meat! Plus, it’s great on Manischewitz Tam Tams or with a carrot stick.

I know chopped liver seems like more of a Jewish thing, but don’t get it twisted — anyone can make/enjoy chopped liver! Especially the vegetarian kind. That’s why I am sharing this. And if you’ve made it this far and you’re STILL shaking your head in disgust, thank you for logging that sweet, sweet time on site but you can officially log off!

She is not beautiful but she does not have to be! Let her power be a lesson to you all!

NOW! THE RECIPE!

You can always make more or less but this should serve about 6 people.

You’ll need:

The vegetable oil of your choice

3 hard-boiled eggs

1 cup green beans

1 and 1/2 cups green peas

2 big onions, coarsely chopped

“A shit load of salt and pepper” – according to my mother

A pinch of lemon pepper

A little garlic powder

A food processor (or a blender that will pulse and not turn things into juice when you don’t want them to be).

DIRECTIONS:

Hard boil 3 eggs for 10 minutes. Set aside to cool. Once cooled, peel and quarter.

Pour 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil into a pan. Wait until the oil is shimmering. Then add your onion and cook until it starts to caramelize. Turn off burner heat.

Coarsely chop up your green beans, then add them to your onion pan, along with your green peas. Sauté everything together until cooked. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Add 1/2 cup of vegetable oil to your food processor. Add eggs, onions, beans and peas. Season well with salt and pepper, add as much garlic powder as you like (I only like a pinch but it’s your VCL).

Start pulsing/blending/pulverizing. If it’s too thick, add a little more oil. You want the final product to be spreadable but NOT liquid-y. Think hummus or any other sort of dip!

Once you’re there or nearly there, add a pinch of lemon pepper to taste. I would mix it up with a spoon so as not to ruin the consistency.

Chill for several hours in an air-tight container. My mom said that if it’s not air-tight your refrigerator is gonna stink lol.

Serve chilled with lovely crackers and vegetables. You could also serve this with challah, which would be pretty good too.

Anyway, almost Shana Tovah!

L

The Zodiac Signs As Halloween Costume Ideas

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This is the best (and the worst) I could do.

Aries

This 666exy costume is perfect for Aries. You’re the devil! You’re widely hated for the way you lead others into temptation. But it’s not all bad. Some people worship you! Not me though.

Taurus

Miss Piggy is one luxurious beyotch. She prizes living well and looking good above all else. If she isn’t a Taurus, she should be. Wait…let me Google it real quick. Oh she’s a Leo. WHATEVER. Just be Miss Piggy for Halloween so you can be rude, sip martinis and kiss frogs.

Gemini

Hi Gemini! You’re more excited about someone ripping your Halloween costume OFF than putting one on this year. This punny costume also doubles as a massive red flag! Awww, just like your personality!

Cancer

Absolutely be the Sleepy Time Tea bear but slutty. Sure, the Sleepy Time Tea bear is not slutty in essence. It’s a bear. It’s sleepy. But Cancer, I bet if you rocked this night cap-sleep shirt combo…things could get a lil …cheeky. I mean we never see that bear standing up. How short is that top exactly??

Leo

Leo’s love attention. The fastest way to get it in 2022? Be Nathan Fielder. While this Halloween costume is definitely easy if you’re a white man with dark hair (esp one who graduated from one of Canada’s top business school with really good grades), you’ll still need to rehearse this role a bunch of times before the big day. Bonus points if you wear Summit Ice. Deny nothing.

Virgo

Virgo, you’re Tito the anxiety mosquito. Halloween is chaos. It ruins your sense of order and control. No one will be able to tell if you’re voicing your racing thoughts or if you’re just deep in character! I feel like you could make this costume slutty if you really wanted to.

Libra

I’m not totally sure HOW you’d pull this off but you should definitely be Bella Hadid. She’s hot, Libras are hot. Can you achieve this costume simply by getting bangs? I don’t know. Just don’t be the “home boy’s gonna like… get it” meme. That’s a zillion years old.

Scorpio

Scorpios are cool. Some might say too cool. So to level the Halloween costume playing field, you should be the 2011 swag trend. Wear a hat like this one. Wear an American Apparel zip-up hoodie in an obnoxious color like purple. Say “swaggy” or go “swag, swag,” while making dancing hand motions. I don’t remember what else happened in 2011 but this feels like most of it…. Oh yea, Jabbawockeez.

Sagittarius

Sag, you’re the perfect combination of quirky and classic. That’s why you should be Scout’s ham costume from To Kill A Mockingbird. The literary hoes gon’ looooove this.

Capricorn

All Capricorns are just Carl from Up. This is what you look like to me! You’re all so cranky and sad! Cheer up!!! Damn! You could also make this slutty if you want.

Aquarius

What’s so spooky about Kathy Hilton? Everything! Give your friends a real scare by showing up to their house but not for a trick-or-treat. Ask for crackers…and some cheese…. and a diet Coke.

Pisces

If this photo just seems like two men lifting a piece of luggage to you — educate yourself. THAT’S TAYLOR SWIFT IN THERE!! In 2017(ish) Miss Swift traveled to-and-fro not by private jet but by luggage. Now, it’s your turn Pisces. Recruit two strong friends to help you recreate this iconic look for Halloween! Preferably Sag and Leo.