Women Talk About Heartbreak

The holidays can dredge up a lot of feelings. Sure, it’s all Christmas cookies and Chanukah gelt, but with all those holiday songs about lost loves, Aunt Denise asking you if you’re still single, and couples posting ice skating Instagrams, it can also be a really lonely time.

Most everybody comes home for the holidays, even your ex. It can feel especially sting-y to think about, or even worse–to see. People get drunk on eggnog and send regrettable 2.am. texts. Luckily, you’re not alone. Unfortunately (and fortunately) heartbreak is the most common thing, like ever. That’s why we talked to women about having broken hearts.

Some told us stories, some gave advice, some even shared their fears. We would like to think that this would make anyone with a broken heart or anyone “going through it” feel like someone can relate. Somebody has been there or is where you are right now. You’re not alone.

Think of this as your team Lately sleepover. It’s that weird part of the night right before everyone falls asleep and you’re all talking about deep stuff. There are still bowls of Chex Mix and M&M’s on the table. Your dad has come downstairs and said “SHHHHHH” three different times. There will be pancakes and french toast in the morning. But for now you’re talking about what it’s like to have a broken heart.

 

It took almost two years for me to stop being angry. It took me less time to come to terms with the fact that we wouldn’t ever get back together. None of that mattered because I was hurt and alone and he had someone who loved him and who he loved too and why does he get to feel that way again? Why don’t I have that? Sometimes I feel silly that my only meaningful romantic relationship was in high school.

As an adult it’s hard to justify that what I was feeling at 16, 17, 18 was real. Sometimes I don’t care, and I know that I’m lucky to have experienced love when I did.  At 25, I am happy for him. My hurt has healed. I’m still alone but it doesn’t feel as lonely.  I’m just scared I’ve already had my one great love.

 

“Heartbreak is a necessary evil. We need it in order to love, live, make art, and subtweet. Heartbreak allows you to uncover and decipher Dorothy Parker’s rhyming couplets, ruminate and relate to Billlie Holiday’s recording of “Good Morning Heartache” (on repeat, of course), and eat a bag of Skinny Pop popcorn for each meal. Kidding, kidding, you can always eat a bag of Skinny Pop — it also works as a celebratory meal.”

 

Girls, I’ve never been heartbroken. I had one boyfriend for 2 weeks in high school, but other than that I’ve never dealt with anything like this. I was completely shattered. In my mind I had this, admittedly not rational, fantasy that I could have a husband and a girlfriend, and I was on cloud nine. I was in love with two people and it was going to work out. But it didn’t. I went in to a very deep depression that I can only summarize as pure heartache induced. I was dumb as fuck, y’all. We didn’t talk for 2 straight months.

We only occasionally talk now, and we’re chummy, sure, but it will never be the same. I feel like my heart was divided in three even parts, and the part that had her name on it will always have her name on it, but the candle was blown out by a tornado of emotion. I won’t say I feel like I lost my other half, but I won’t not say that I feel like I lost my other half. I will always be in love with her, I think. And on the off chance that she ever reads this and knows it’s about her, I hope she knows that.

 

“It’s not that I felt relief ending things with my last relationship– if you can call it that. I don’t know if going over to someone’s house a few days a week to watch Westworld, eat pasta, and hookup is a relationship–but it was something. We had a routine, he met my friends. I went to a couple of his shows. We talked about being exclusive once and I got scared and ended the conversation. I couldn’t confide in him. But it felt like a loss. I still can’t drive past this one part of the 134 without getting teary, or listen to certain songs, or talk to him at all.”

 

“You know what’s heartbreaking? Being in love with someone you can’t trust. In between hot flashes of having the best time ever and being beside yourself with grief over every new betrayal that comes light, you have these moments of complete clarity where you’re like ‘what the fuck am I doing??’ But you can’t get yourself out of there. You don’t want to. You’re too sick and he’s too strong. It’s comfortable and you love him, so you stay.

 

Here’s what heartbreak feels like for me. Three years out, I’m still waiting for you to realize that you miss me. At this point, I don’t think you will. I don’t miss you, and you’re the one that dumped me, so it makes sense that you’ve totally moved on a few times over. But it still just doesn’t make sense to me that you don’t miss me at all. It makes me feel like my part of your life was insignificant — and that just can’t be right after we spent seven years together.

When we broke up, though, I found at least one other person for every inside joke or reference that we had. That way, when I see something that reminds me of you, I still have someone that I can share it with. Because if you don’t miss me, I don’t want to open any lines of communication again. But it sure would be nice to know that you miss me. Just so that I could know that it all mattered to you. It mattered to me.”

 

What’s secretly awesome about heartbreak is the way you get to get over it. You have an excuse to act insane, cut off all your hair, dye it a different color, stay out late, eat like crap, do whatever you want all because you have a broken heart. Your friends can’t judge you because you’re crying in the middle of dinner. You can be a hoe. You get to be the person you weren’t when you were dating someone.

10 Things I Would Rather Be Cuffed To Than A Relationship This Cuffing Season

It’s cuffing season!!! Time to cuff yourself to a person who can be your significant other until summer when you recklessly abandon them for a slew of summer flings. Or not. Cuffing season is kind of stupid. Why do you need someone because baby it’s cold outside? Answer: BABY YA DON’T.

I can think of 10 things I would rather be cuffed to than a person my family will interrogate me about all Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine’s Day, long. It sounds so much more interesting to have to explain why I am chained to this Kettle Corn stand than to have to re-tell the story of how Joshua and I met on an app to my 87-year-old second cousin Ruth.

My Bathtub

Sounds amazing, tbh.

My Bed

Again, sounds incredible.

A Really Good Sushi Restaurant

After all of my money is gone from eating sushi, I would start an unlikely friendship with one of the sushi chefs who is actually experimenting with the menu and she would toss me some of her creations for me to try and give my opinion on. Yes, there would be some clunkers, but I’m sure most of it would be pretty good. This is a really good sushi restaurant after all. Plus, new friend. Yay!

A Mug of Tea

It’s not like a magical one or anything, I would have to replenish it. Could also come in handy if I need to beat off an attacker or throw hot liquid in someone’s face.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg

So I could protect her physically and also learn a lot of cool stuff, I’m sure.

Rihanna

Do I even need to explain this one.

Target’s Hair Care Aisle

This is the most exciting aisle in Target aside from the candle aisle. I wouldn’t want to be handcuffed to the candle aisle because it is too smelly. In the hair care aisle I could fix my dead ends, dry shampoo my roots, and experiment with headbands.

A Reusable Water Bottle

It would remind me to stay hydrated. No man has EVER done that for me.

A Cute Dog

I would LOVE to be cuffed to a cute dog. Me and my babe, forever! Let’s walk and talk and cuddle, you speechless hairy baby! Only downside is possibly fleas/potty time.

The Kettle Corn Stand At A Farmer’s Market

Kettle corn is fucking amazing and it always smells so good over there.

 

 

The Real Different Kinds Of Guys You Date In Your Twenties

This may be some Carrie Bradshaw shit, but we’re so tired of those trope-laden listicles about the kind of men you date in your twenties. They’re not good and they’re not accurate!! So we’ve created our own listicle about the real men you date in your twenties– if you’re dating men. The absolute monsters, the duds, the creeps, and the sort of good ones.

We would say “beware the following,” but this is the kind of bullshit you’ll put up with from 20 to 29. Hopefully when you’re 30 you’ll know better (you won’t!)

The Former Film Student

It doesn’t matter if he studied at NYU, USC, or Emerson. This guy thinks he’s PTA (that’s Paul Thomas Anderson. Can you even name three of his films?) and he’s working on a screenplay with his friend Josh that no one is allowed to see until it’s done. They went to Columbia together–that’s Columbia College, Chicago. He wants to take you to a movie in the park so he can lean over every ten minutes and explain it to you. He wears the same shirt every day and willfully ignores significant pop culture moments. Somehow you’re charmed???

The Bartender

He doesn’t get off until like 11 p.m. at the earliest so most of your dates are late night. It’s pretty cool at first until you realize you’re fucking exhausted and drunk all the time. He sleeps all day. He introduces you to new and exciting cocktails that you will order on subsequent dates to impress them. You never see him in daylight. He’s sad all the time because his days consist of sleeping and then going to work for long hours in a dark bar with drunk people. You end it with a text.

The Friend Of A Friend

You met him at your college best friend’s party. They’ve known each other since they were 12. You thought he was totally hot. You hook up for a few nights before realizing that it’s making your college friend uncomfortable. He moves states anyway.

The Ex Boyfriend You Can’t Seem To Quit

You dated for 4 months and then you broke up. You got back together and dated for almost a year. Then you broke up. Then you got back together, broke up, and got back together again. You might be broken up right now, but you’re totally getting back together later. Unless he’s fucking that girl you broke up with him for last time. Then you are never getting back together, like ever.

The Guy You Met On Tinder You Just Realized Was Racist

The date is going really well. He looks like his pictures, he has a cool job, and the conversation is interesting. You’re thinking this could really be going somewhere until he says something fishy about the Asian community in your area. You ask him to elaborate. It only gets worse. Check, please!

The Guy Who Introduced You To His Work Friends As His “Cousin”

He took you on a date to his WeWork space for wine and cheese night. You like a casual date, but this feels perhaps a little too casual. He introduces you to his co-workers as his “cousin.” Game over. He answers a phone call from his mother in front of you and puts it on speaker while they fight for 15 minutes. Game Over.

The Guy You Went To Middle School With Only You’re Hooking Up Now

You weren’t really friends in middle school (he was cool and you weren’t), but you were home in the suburbs and swiped right on each other. He grabs your boob in your mom’s car and fucks you in his childhood bedroom when his parents aren’t home. It’s a little nostalgic but mostly depressing.

The Guy You’re Never Going To Meet But You’re Emotionally Invested In

You met on an app when you were on vacation/in another state/west of the 405 and he is probably your soulmate. You talk for hours and have sizzling chemistry. You get jealous when you think he’s going on dates or if a girl comments on his Instagram. You’re probably never meeting in real life, but he’s YOURS damnit!

The Guy Who Won’t Have Sex With You On Your Period

He has no problem with you whacking him off in his bed, in the car, at the bar, in a house, on a mouse, anywhere. But blood is his kryptonite. You’re bleeding?? Sorry his penis is terrified. His fingers can’t even go down there! It doesn’t matter that you’re wearing a Diva Cup! This wittle baybee is scawed. Also, he still wants you to suck his dick.

The Guy Who Won’t Open Your Insta DM But Tagged You In A Photo Like A Monster

You went on a few dates around town, but conversation has fizzled. One day you look at your phone and realize there’s a notification. He’s tagged you in a photo from when you went to a sports game together, like a psychopath. WHO DOES THAT?? You DM him to say hey and mention that you saw it, but he doesn’t open it for days. He doesn’t open it at all. What the fuck?

The Good Guy You’re Not Attracted To

He listens, he laughs, he pays for your dates. He thinks you’re pretty even when you have no makeup on and a lot of hormonal acne. He’s genuinely interested in your mind, body, and soul. But he’s not doing it for you. You’re just not that into him. Never mind that he would probably Postmates you hungover Chick-fil-A or listen to you complain about your mom. He’s not unattractive, he’s just not….an asshole 😦