Why I’m Trying To No Longer Be A Tchotchke-Person

I come from a family of collectors. My father used to collect Elvis memorabilia when I was a kid, and I remember his whole office was full of it. My grandmother used to collect coffee cups and had a special display case for them. My mom liked to collect anything pirate-themed. My sister collected and still collects soaps. I seem to collect tchotchkes, and with them–dust and clutter.

It has been brought to my attention that some people may not know what the word tchotchke means, and to that I say “what?” Because apparently no one has heard of the Yiddish word for “trinket,” pronounced “chot-ch-kee.” Except these things are trinkets and also they’re less than that. They’re garbage art. They’re matches from cool restaurants and sparkly hair clips and hand-painted little trays and funny lighters and weird shit I’ve been given or found. I would say 1 in 7 of these objects are kept sentimentally and the rest seriously need to go into the trash. These trinkets also seem to be a great hiding place for hair ties, hair pins, dust, trash, and 4-year-old lip glosses.

My collection was keeping my room from being orderly, made labeling moving boxes practically impossible, and gave my best friend Andrew a heart attack every time he has ever had to look at my bedroom dresser. Luckily, I have recently gone through a series of moves both independently and with my family that have enabled me to throw away a lot of the junk I had accumulated (even some of the things I was sentimental about). I’m trying to keep it that way.

There is something so beautiful about a dresser with just a mirror, framed art, and maybe a candle or two as opposed to the 4 pens from Ping Pong in Chicago that I stole, my ex-boyfriend’s iPhone head phones, like 48 crystals of various colors and abilities, and some restaurant mints.

The best example that I can give you is from the iconic Mary Kate and Ashley film, New York Minute.

Ashley opens her closet to calming color-coded minimalism.

Mary Kate opens her closet to…this

I know this is a closet and not my dresser, but the Chex Mix bag and the bra and the umbrella say otherwise (items likely found on my dresser amidst a weird mini-porcelain doll from Solvang, a press pass from the Pizza Experience, and a snow globe that says “Virginia Is for Lovers”.

I’m not doing this for cleanliness, I’m doing this for minimalism. Moving fucking blows btw and I have had to do it 4 times this year, disregarding the countless trips I took independently where I had to haul my jewelry, skincare, and travel candle around the continental U.S. Having less stuff is just a life hack for an easier life if you’re on the move (which I am, all of the time apparently). No, you don’t need to fully “Marie Kondo” your place,  but I am saying having less shit on your dresser and shoved into drawers and on your nightstand could make yours and is making my room/house/life feel less stressful.

My tchotchkes all had an energy. That energy was crowding my life. I even threw away my ex boyfriend’s headphones. It probably had his ear wax in it (nasty) and one of the pods didn’t work anyway.

So I guess this is to say, please stop giving me things. If I tell you I want a souvenir from Seattle, please stop me unless it’s a sweatshirt or one of those Sleepless In Seattle pajama tops. I don’t need to keep restaurant matches unless I’m storing them in my purse (for emergency candle lighting). Don’t offer me gemstone coasters or a sparkly dish for my rings. Don’t give me a porcelain pony or a photo of Hillary Clinton. I am trying to declutter my life and embrace minimalism. I am trying not to be a tchotchke person.

Everything I Considered Buying This Week

I may be broke, but you might not be! Here’s a list of everything I almost purchased this week but didn’t once I looked at my bank account balance:

A’PIEU Madecassoside Needle Spot Patch

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Summer Dawn (my fave Instagram girl) posted about these on her Insta story and said they are the best pimple patches she has ever tried.

Kiehl’s Age Defender Eye Repair Cream

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My Instagram boo @Tynanbuck storied this eye cream and said it was “fucking unreal”. Excuse me, I want that!!!

UGG Slippers

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Kate and I have long discussed purchasing matching fluffy UGG heeled sandals a la Marta from Nice Paper, but these Coquette Clog Slippers seem a little more functional. I would wear them around the house, to walk my dog, to grab coffee, to a friend’s house, and probably….everywhere else lol. Did I just re-talk myself into buying them? MAYBE! But they’re like walking on a cloud!

Gola Classics Women’s Tennis Mark Cox Trainer

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I saw these bad boys while I was shopping at Lou & Grey. I love the off-white color and the saddle brown stripes. They’re simple, they’re chic, they’re very fall.

Tilda Swinton Like This Eau de Parfum by Etat Libre D’Orange 

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My beautiful Twitter friend Chelb is responsible for this one. She gave me a sample of this scent and I can’t stop wearing it. It’s at once spicy, soft, musky, and green. PLUS, IT’S INSPIRED BY TILDA SWINTON. It’s awesome and I want it in full-size.

Madewell’s 10″ High-Rise Skinny jeans

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I used to work at Madewell and am a full convert for Madewell denim. It’s stretchy, soft, and holds you in in all the right places. Plus, the washes tend not to have unflattering whiskering or weird green-tinged washes. I have a favorite pair of Madewell jeans that I bought when I worked there in college almost 5 years ago. I beat the hell out of them and wear them practically every day. They’re just now starting to wear a little thin on one inner thigh. I was thinking of getting these as a replacement! The insane part is, they’ve pre-cut the bottom to make it a step-hem. I did that to mine, only to mimic our super cool store manager all those years ago. It’s just now catching on!

Julie Houts “Become Your Pasta” Illustration

I love this illustration so much I want it in my house!!!! Nothing has spoken to me more in life!

LuMee Duo Phone Case with Front & Back LED Lighting 

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For bomb pics in dark cabs/restaurants/bars/bathrooms, at any angle.

Trashboy Shirt By NapkinItems 

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My favorite Instagrammer Napkin Apocalypse made shirts inspired by her son’s love of garbage trucks. Her son designed that little truck under the part that says Trashboy. Even if you hate this shirt, you gotta check out Napkin Apocalypse. You’re welcome.

HUDA BEAUTY Easy Bake Loose Baking & Setting Powder Pound Cake

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I borrowed some of this from my beautiful friend and makeup expert Julia, when we were in New York. It sets your face like a motherfucker. Highly recommend. Would LOVE to own.

Anyway, instead of buying any of this I bought like 4 airplane tickets, infinity Ubers, stayed in 2 airbnbs, some cold medicine, 100000 gallons of soup, a new sweater, and some candy corn.

The Most Comfortable Underpants In The World Are From GAP*

Underwear is so important. When I decided to love myself and stop wearing Victoria’s Secret “cheeksters” “thongies” or whatever glitter-dipped g-strings I was buying that were giving me major front-wedgies, I began an underpants exploration.

There was an intermediary period where I tried Target, and those were fine, but cheaply made and the lace was itchy. There was Aerie, which I found to be fine, but not exactly the fit I wanted. I even went online and found a brand that I like for pretty lacy things, but for every-day-comfortable-even-when-your-butt-is-sweating, it wouldn’t do.

Underpants are so personal. Yes, they cover your bits, but you also want panties that make you feel good and like you can move, and don’t irritate or dig into the soft flesh of your hips and thighs. My mom bought me underpants with a thick elastic waistband until I was 11. My tummy hung over the sides. They left huge red marks. I decided never again.

I’m 25 and I now know what I want. Yeah, I want thongs that don’t have weird rips in the front lace from god knows what or big granny panties covered in period stains that I keep for years because, laziness. I want big girl panties. Adult woman underwear. Something that keeps my crotch covered but looks cute. Something soft. Something breathable. Something without elastic but doesn’t fall off. No lace. no bows. The kind of underwear that if it fell out of your laundry bag in public you wouldn’t be like, “Gee, That’s embarrassing!” because it says “SASSY” on the ass.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

And then I found these at the GAP. I’m going to be real, I don’t like GAP. The GAP? Is Gap capitalized? I think their clothing is “feh,” their jeans are bad, and their sale section is a nightmare. But I needed underwear. I have been traveling and staying with friends and in hotels and haven’t done laundry and didn’t think turning my dirty pairs of panties inside out was the best course of action. I wandered in to the store only because my other options were J Crew (do they even have underwear?) and Nordstrom Rack (sizing and brands are questionable at any time).

They were under a sign labeling them as “softies,” which is exactly what I was looking for. The next buzz word I saw said, “breathe.” They were breathable!!! My coochie was gonna get to breathe! I touched them. They felt undeniably soft and light. They came in a variety of rises and colors, and many of them didn’t have some dumb ugly bow like I was a present or a baby!!!! I chose the high rise bikini because I wanted my tummy to feel covered and delicious in soft fabric damnit!

The next day I put them on and wow. Seriously, wow. I can’t even begin to explain to you what bliss it was. All day I felt comfortable. I didn’t pick a front wedgie even ONCE! No itchy lace, nothing digging into my body, and even better–they were cheetah print!! The cherry on top? A person I trust to see me undressed saw me wearing them, cheetah print from butt to belly button, and said they looked “hot.” Comfortable and hot? These panties are KILLIN IT.

******My only grouse, and the reason why I put an asterisk in the headline of this piece, is because they only go up to a size XXL. And that’s only online. What the fuck GAP. gap. gAp. Everyone deserves to feel the breathable comfort of these reasonably priced crotch-coverings!!!!!!!

Anyway, this isn’t sponsored or anything. I just really like them and wanted to tell you.

K bye.