This Is What High School Clique You Were In Based On Your Favorite Coffee Shop

Starbucks: The Basics

You got super hyped about the latest Frappuccino drop and then super hyper from drinking one. You made sure to show off your square French-mani acrylics while you took a pic holding your drink extended in front of you, Uggs peaking out at the bottom of your scenic background. Your Facebook quote was something like “A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.” Your body spray was from Victoria’s Secret. You asked to borrow my American Apparel purple zip-up hoodie during cheer practice and “lost” it but I saw you wearing it in one of your Facebook mall albums.

Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf: Forever 21 Indie Girls

You would call your style “boho” and you claim to be vegan even though I saw you eating BBQ chicken pizza from the cafeteria when you told everyone you were super-hormonal from your period. “I love MGMT!” You wear headbands around your forehead and a lot of loose-woven long cardigans and knits. “I wish I could buy everything at Urban.” You think you’re cooler than “The Basics” because you’ve smoked weed once. You order extra whipped cream on your blended drink just like they do.

Pete’s Coffee: The Real Nerds

You get coffee with your mom when she gets coffee her on her way to take you to Sylvan Learning Center. You don’t actually get coffee because you don’t like the way it tastes. How’s that dry-ass scone? Don’t forget to clean out your retainer!

La Colombe: Theatre Nerds

You have a crush on the lead of every school musical. He’ll turn out to be gay and you’ll claim you knew it all along but you probably didn’t. You started drinking your coffee black because it seemed artsy and then you realized that tasted nasty and started getting into La Colombe’s draft lattes. You claim to never sleep. You wrote the words to some song from Rent or Sweeney Todd or whatever the hell musical was popular in 2009 all over your binder. You’re late to rehearsal. You can’t hang out because you have rehearsal.

Blue Bottle Coffee: Yearbook

You’re on the Yearbook team AND you’re ASB President AND you’re on debate or like some other club that will look great on college apps. You really only hang out with other people in Yearbook who are exactly like you. You’re uncomfortably close to one or two teachers and you don’t think it’s weird at all! You have a camera on you at all times and you genuinely have school spirit. You are the most well-caffeinated person I know. It’s terrifying.

Intelligentsia: The Hipsters/Loners/Floaters

You don’t know their friends. They “go to another school.” Somehow this group never bands together, they prefer to be alone doing their own thing, but occasionally they will overlap. They got Instagram before you did. They applied to art schools you’ve never heard of on the other side of the country. Their coffee choice is usually something respectable and not too high maintenance. They’re not cool, but they’re not NOT cool? They’ll find their people in college.

Dunkin’: The Jocks

You get a massive coffee to wake you up for practice along with some sort of egg sandwich and a doughnut. It’s like 4 a.m. or something. After practice you get a massive iced coffee and you’ll drink it and then dump out the ice and fill your cup with water from a water fountain and drink it all day. If you’re a guy you’re trying to be “swole” if you’re a girl you don’t say shit like that you’re just trying to get in to ASU on a volleyball scholarship.

McDonald’s: Burnouts & Stoners

I 100% have a crush on you. You cut class, I don’t think you’ve ever done homework, and you smoke weed in your car during lunch. You’re in a band and I’m friends with your sister and when I come over you’re always wearing a white tank undershirt and your boxers. Other people think you’re either super cool or a total waste of time. You don’t care what your coffee tastes like. You don’t care about anything. I am swooning rn

Pret A Manger: Foreign Exchange Students

No one knows why you came to our school and you had some caché being from over seas but now the glamour has worn off and we don’t get you at all!!! You’re mean to everyone. You say everything is better in Belgium where you’re from, especially the coffee. You hate it here but you make friends with all the jocks who think you’re hilarious. Somehow you are homecoming king.

It’s A Paradise And It’s A War Zone

Can you believe esteemed former One Direction member Zayn Javadd Malik came up with a sentence that aptly describes every situation I’m about to list? “It’s our paradise and it’s our war zone,” he croons about sex with Gigi Hadid or something.

But what Zen didn’t realize is that this lyric actually applies to a lot of situations. Yeah he’s seeing the pain and the pleasure, but so are you when you shop at Target, poop in a Starbucks bathroom, or call your mom!

“Prisoners….Then we’re free, it’s a thin line.”

Damn. So relatable.

Public Restrooms

Thank god you’ve found this public bathroom to go pee in. You’ve been searching for ages, your bladder absolutely full, and now you’ve found one for FREE. None of that customers only bullshit. Speaking of shit, that’s what it smells like in here. Also there are wads of wet toilet paper EVERYWHERE. At least you’re finally getting to pee! By the way, the sink is fucking filthy. Hope you have some purehell! Oh wait, I meant Purell.

Coffee

You’re dead tired, you’re hungover, you want something warm in your tummy. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. You instantly need to poop. You have a headache. You’re jittery. You’re dehydrated. You’re dying?

Dairy

GIVE ME ALL THE CHEESE!!!!! Give me all the acne and constipation! Or if you’re lactose intolerant, diarrhea.

Work Week Happy Hour

Work was stressful and you and your co-workers require a much needed happy hour that will quickly go from stress reliever to full tilt LIT-UATION. Work who? Oh…that’s who. Have fun sweating vodka through your morning stand-up.

Online Shopping

It’s so easy to pull out your plastic and do some simple little clicks to get what you want! Man Repeller is always doing roundups of what’s in their cart. Strategist is always telling you what’s on sale. Click, click, click! Rich in fashion, poor in funds.

Calling Your Mom 

You called for the warm and fuzzies but somehow this conversation always ends with you needing a drink.

Listening to Sad Music When You’re Already Depressed

You will never feel better, or worse!

Getting Your Period When You Were Worried You Might Be Pregnant

Thank fucking god it came!!!! You’ve been worried for the past four days that you’ve been late (which is probably why it took longer to come–anxiety will do that to you). But now you have to deal with cramps, bloating, acne, and stained panties. At least you’re avoiding the joys of motherhood. Pass the Midol!

Target

You came to Target because it’s your safe space. You know you’re not going to get only the things you need, but you’ll probably show some restraint. How did you spend $107 on beauty products you don’t need plus some knock off sherpa Birkenstocks and like 4 cake mixes tho??? Fuck.

The Beach 

It looked so beautiful on Instagram but now your shoes (and V and butt) are full of sand, you have a sunburn, and every time you close your mouth somehow you crunch? Also the ocean never does good things for your hair no matter what they say! At least you got a cute pic in your bikini. Too bad it’s covered in sunscreen.