Unpopular Opinion: I Wish Summer Would End Already

Summer is less fun when you’re an adult. You’re supposed to ~relax~ but you don’t get a two month break to go make lanyards at sleep away camp or swim all day and eat popsicles, wrapped in wet towel, slowly soaking pool water into your living room carpet.

It’s kind of bullshit.

At best, you organize weekend trips with your friends that will bankrupt you, figure out a reasonable amount of PTO and WFH days to finagle into some sort of obligatory family trip you have to check your email from no matter what, get sun burns on rooftops because you’re too drunk to reapply sunscreen AND order multiple “cute” swimsuits from online that you will try on and return no less than three times.

This all while working 40+ hours a week and sweating profusely everywhere, all the time.

It’s August and while we’re admittedly in the decline of summer, I personally can’t wait for it to mercifully end.

Summer feels like it started in May. I can’t pinpoint an exact day but suddenly it was 100 degrees and I was wearing all white outfits and carrying straw bags and sunglasses from brunches to the beach. I had 47 margaritas in June alone and was sunburned 90% of July.

I’m so tired. I just want to wear a sweater and drink a dirty chai oat milk latte on a chilly morning in peace.

I’m so over #lovesummerhateverythingelse that I don’t want to catch so much as a whiff of coconut-y sunscreen or a lick of watermelon Chazstick (my preferred summer lip balm from Dedcool) until 2020.

It just seems easier to live my life not in summer mode. There’s less pressure to have fun, there’s no panicking about losing beach time, I don’t feel as obligated to eat salad and I don’t have to freak out about my life again until late November (Thanksgiving is a different kettle of fish).

I’m not saying I need piles of leaves and pumpkin patches (although HMU in October for all your fall festivities), all I’m asking for is the ability to at least think about enjoying a bowl of soup on my lunch break without getting heat stroke. And also maybe to find a nice flannel at a reasonable price to wear on weekends.

Labor day is only two weeks away and I know you bitches on your beach vacations will be crying over the side of your yachts once this hot girl summer officially comes to an end.

But I have an inbox full of pumpkin spice pitches and it’s making me want to retire my flip flops and put lotion on these sand-scuffed feet, slip on my fuzziest socks and work from home.

 

Is It Too Late To Buy The Instagram Skirt?

I could have easily just texted Kate about this, but I also wanted to ask all of you.

You know this skirt. You might love this skirt or simply love to hate this skirt, but it is THE INSTAGRAM SKIRT.

If you still do not know to which skirt I am referring, it is the Realisation Par “Naomi” skirt in the wild things print.

Screen Shot 2019-05-29 at 12.38.42 PM.png

Depending on where you live, you’ve probably seen at least 80 different girls wearing this exact skirt or imitations of this exact skirt.

The further we roll into spring (and the more I see people wearing it with cute tank tops), the more I consider purchasing it. Or purchasing a dupe because this skirt is $180 and I am a $6 oat milk matcha away from being flat broke.

But is it too late to get this skirt????

It’s been around for a while. It’s cycled through all my favorite influencers like a Glossier rep code.

There is already an Instagram dedicated to mocking the women who wear it! Which is:

A. To be expected because god forbid anyone let women enjoy things

B. KIND OF FUCKED UP!

C. Okay, a tiny bit funny

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Found by @cgisom in New York

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It seems to have become a beacon of basic-ness, like Kylie Lip Kits and Lulu Lemon (two things I heartily enjoy but do cringe a tiny bit at indulging in).

But it would look SO cute at the beach or in the desert (PALM SPRINGS 2K19) or on the street or just like hanging up in my closet taunting me to wear it everywhere.

I don’t even know how it’s going to fit! I’ve never even tried it on!

But still the question remains…..should I get this skirt? Is it too late? Has it become passé?

LMK

xo

Summer Activities We’re Super Excited For

It’s getting hot out there and to help us slip into the the “hashtag love summer hate everything else” mindset, we’ve decided to list all the things we’re most excited for this summer 2K19:

Pools

Road trips

Buying expensive sunscreen and forgetting it at home

Sunburns

Backyard barbecues

Watermelon

Playing cornhole

Getting eaten alive by mosquitos

The beach

Summer vacation Instagrams

Summer thirst trap Instagrams

Scrolling through Instagram for like three hours while you sit in the sun

Awkward bathing suit tan lines

Blisters from your new sandals

Trying to sell out-of-season clothing to Buffalo Exchange

Making $2 at Buffalo Exchange

Depression re-watching The Office

Sweating in your car

Sweating on the train

Being sweaty all the time

Chub rub

Rosé

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I Learned From Not Eating Bread For A Week

I didn’t go on some trendy LA diet, I’m not actively trying to lose weight, nor have I developed a sudden allergy to gluten. But what I’ve learned is that giving something up out of religious obligation is still a hot take in 2019, even amongst your own community.

Usually I try (and fail) to eat kosher for Passover. As a reform Jew, my group is typically the most liberal–even with our own religion– to the point where a chunk of us would describe themselves not as Jewish but as “Jew-ish.”

Many reform Jews don’t fast for Yom Kippur or keep kosher for Pesach, but recently I’ve done both. Like really recently. As in, it’s still Passover while I write this.

For a week I haven’t consumed leavened bread, pasta, tortillas, rice, corn, legumes, or anything like that. I haven’t had any oat milk lattes, no popcorn, no bagels, no penne alla vodka, etc…just a lot of salads and semi-creative/mainly shitty meals with some form of matzo.

(Not counting the eggplant salad or chicken I made with you, Mom. Love you)

In the process, I learned a lot about myself, my body, and about the company I keep.

One: I Get Hungry Every 5 Minutes Without Bread

I’m a hungry person and I eat a lot, but after two days of not eating any sort of bread-stuffs except matzo, I found that I was near ravenous All. The. Time.

Like I would make eggs and avocado for breakfast and then five minutes later I would be hungry still, so I would have some fruit. Then I would get hungry again, so I would have a sheet of matzo. Then I would STILL be hungry and I would be S.O.L. (shit out of luck) because I didn’t want to eat more matzo or more fruit.

Two: I Eat So Much Dairy!!!!

I definitely kind of knew that I could survive off cheese forever, but this confirms it. If there is suddenly a world-wide bread shortage, I can and will survive on string cheese and Babybels for the rest of my life. And enjoy it.

I have had more cheese this week than any other week in recent memory. You know who else loves cheese? Fellow Jew (and problematic AF) Courtney Love.

Three: The World Needs More Salad Options Without Croutons/Tortilla Strips

I get that it adds crunch, but more restaurants should offer salads without croutons/tortilla strips/wontons!!! What about our celiac brethren! People on medication with specific diets! Or people with a fear of tiny toasts! I don’t know!

The point is, there were hardly any salad options that weren’t covered in tiny bites of bread and I can imagine that if you are avoiding bread for any reason but want a salad, this makes your life a little harder.

While this is truly not anything terrible, I do have a very sad story about a crouton incident I once had in college:

When I was a junior and kosher for Passover I went to Panera and asked for a salad with no croutons. They gave it to me WITH croutons. I came back and tried to explain that I couldn’t eat the croutons. These croutons weren’t just like sprinkled on top, they were in and around and all over the salad, hiding under lettuce leaves– like the bread sprinkles from them were on the salad, making it impossible to eat if you’re K4P (kosher for Passover).

Instead of just saying they would make me a new one, the server was pissed off and asked me in a very rude tone, “do you want me to pick them out?”

“No,” I said through gritted teeth. “It’s fine.” And then I threw the salad out in a trash can in the back of the restaurant and left.

Yes, I feel guilty for not giving that salad to a hungry person. Thank you for asking.

I am telling you this story for no other reason than to say, fuck you whoever rude ass Columbia student was working at the Panera at State and Congress in Chicago!!!!!!!!

Damn!!

Four: People Want To Talk You Out Of It

“Just have some! I won’t tell!”

“Oh, I’m sure God won’t care if you take a little bite”

“Dude, just eat it!”

I’m sure God won’t care if I eat a bite of your sandwich, but I do. It’s called accountability–look it up!

jk

But for real, this is me trying to be accountable for myself and actively attempting to be a part of the religion I claim to be a part of (though I’m sure I’m doing a shitty job). It’s nice that you want me to taste your food or maybe it’s rude that you don’t want to listen to me complain about how I can’t eat real pizza for three more days??? But also could you stop? lol

It’s a personal choice that doesn’t effect you and your discomfort with it is showing.

Five: People Think You’re More Religious Than You Actually Are

I’m not going for Super A+ Jew here or anything. I’m just not eating bread. I’m not even actually keeping kosher. I think the only certified Kosher food I’ve had is the matzo I’ve been eating all week. I can’t really even call myself K4P, I had shellfish at Disneyland!!

But in the week I haven’t been eating Br3adZ I’ve been told by Jewish friends that I’m a better Jew than they are and have had non-Jewish friends say they didn’t realize I was so religious. All because I am taking a week of my life to reflect on the suffering of the Jewish people, the story of Passover, and can’t eat nachos.

So WHY am I doing this?

Because honestly, it’s been a rough year. I know it’s only April but I guess I am referring to from last April to now. It’s been a rough two years, actually.

Little meditations like this remind me that suffering isn’t permanent. I could just get “this too shall pass” tatted above my ass, but a week without bread seemed cheaper.

Doing this, I not only remember the suffering of the Jews fleeing Egypt, I reflect on the suffering of my own life–admittedly not that there’s been much–but this Passover I want to be dedicated to mindfulness and the power of choice.

I want to engage in active remembrance of the passing of people I love, how hard things have been for people in my family, the end of relationships, jobs, moving, anything, everything. All the things that have been weighing me down.

Suffering isn’t a choice–no matter if you’re an enslaved person or your brain chemicals have decided to rage against you. However, choosing to remember and honor that suffering is.

So that’s why I did this. I wanted to sit with it for a week, feeling my stomach gurgle while I watched other people eat bagels, and make it count.

I thought about my sister. I thought about my Zayde. I thought about Andrew, who said this was like Jewish Whole 30 and therefore I am never doing that diet probably ever. I thought about my parents, and my friends, my Uncle, and anyone I had ever loved and lost or hurt and anyone who had ever hurt me. I didn’t ask for forgiveness or forgive, this isn’t Yom Kippur–but I thought about them to keep reminding myself why I was doing this.

Suffering isn’t permanent. The time you spent hurting deserves to be honored. Things could always be worse.

Love you

xo

 

When I Drink Cold Brew I Can…

Leap tall buildings in a single bound

Answer all 376 unread emails

Color code my Google Cal like Audrey Gelman

Vibrate into oblivion

Call my gynecologist to schedule an appointment even though they’re really mean there

Devise a plan for dinner

Write entire paragraphs without looking at my screen

Make memes, crush dreams

Schedule Instagram posts for three separate accounts

Run a marathon

Develop facial blindness (like Brad Pitt!)

Text my best friend 100 times in a row about the magic of coffee

Order food to the wrong address

Send a correction email with too many “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Publicly denounce Pete Buttigieg on Twitter

Delete Twitter

Throw my computer into a dumpster

Rip off all my clothing

Dance naked in the street

Remember all the lyrics to every song in “The Greatest Showman”

See through time

Contact dead relatives

Use 100% of my brain

 

 

 

 

 

24-Hours Of Self-Indulgence

We asked one Lately editor to keep a diary about what she ate/spent/did in one day. The results were a chilling reflection of hedonism.

6:30 A.M. 

I wake up and check my phone. I have a text from my boyfriend, three Instagram notifications (not popular), and eight Twitter notifications (POPULAR (jk it’s all Twitter telling me my followers liked someone else’s tweet)). I am currently working from home so I set up my computer for the morning meeting I am to have in exactly half an hour.

8 A.M.

The morning meeting is over, I pitched some story ideas at work and now I am scrolling through the internet. Things I have open on my browser at all times: The Cut, The Strategist, Amazon, Cup of Jo, Man Repeller, and Twitter. I have yet to drink water or eat anything.

I try to start my days with a glass of ice cold water. I typically forget about said glass of water and by the time it’s 10 a.m., it’s room temperature and I don’t want to drink it anymore so I toss it down the sink and pour a new glass.

I make coffee in my massive cheetah thermos-thing I got from the 99-cents store. My drink of choice is a 6-oz of something from Pete’s that I make in my Keurig plus a shit ton of ice, and a heavy pour of chocolate almond milk. One of these days I am going to freeze coffee ice cubes but also that would involve buying ice cube trays (I want these ice sticks). I have a note in my phone about this that I have ignored for months.

I am starving. I have never woken up and not been absolutely ravenous.

I am a huge fan of breakfast sandwiches, so I toast two slices of whole grain bread in my toaster oven and put two slices of cheddar cheese on one of the two. I fry an egg. I am in the mood for a grilled cheese-vibe, and IMO no grilled cheese is complete without a thin layer of pickle relish.

IF YOU THINK THAT IS DISGUSTING, I URGE YOU TO CLICK THIS LINK THAT CHANGED MY LIFE/TRY IT FOR YOURSELF.

We are out of pickle relish. I put bread and butter pickle chips on it plus a squirt of mustard. Yes, it’s like 8:30 in the morning. She is a salty-centric queen and she makes no apologies.

10 A.M.

I have to pour myself a new glass of water. Lol.

I also realize that I have yet to wash my face/brush my teeth. Right now I am using this Andalou vitamin-c cleanser that my friend Andrew recommended to me. It smells like gummy bears and it’s brightening without stripping me of my natural oils. I am currently moisturizing with Manyo Factory Herb Green Fresh Lotion. I got it from the skincare place in chinatown that Rio Viera-Newton (of “The Strategist” and also of “being an internet cool girl”) loves when I was in New York. It’s called oo35mm and it is really tiny but the people who work there are super helpful and friendly!!

I used to use a lot more stuff on my face but then I got tired and now I don’t!

I brush my teeth.

12 P.M.

I ordered lunch from Health Nut, the place the Kardashians’ used to love, and order their Chinese Chicken Salad. Typically, I get their “Noodlerama” which is salad with cold rice noodles and spicy dressing, but today I feel like eating lettuce with chicken and some tiny crunchy things that Health Nut really needs to consider adding more of.

Recently, I had my deodorant confiscated from the Stockholm airport (why? idk!) so I am in the market for a new deo. I have been using some version of Old Spice ever since college (smells like an ex-boyfriend) but now I want to switch to something natural because I am worried that everything I’m using is killing me!

This deodorant is supposed to 1. work and 2. smell just like Old Spice, plus it’s natural and comes in super chic packaging. On the same Sweden trip, I also thrashed my favorite Madewell transport tote. It’s taken a heavy beating over the past five years traveling with me everywhere from Chicago to Singapore and now it’s completely falling apart.

I order a new one (with a zip-top!) in the color “saddle” because I am nothing if not a basic bitch, forever and ever. But also, if you’re in the market for a travel bag that can fit a weekend’s worth of clothing, an over-stuffed makeup bag, and a laptop–this is the bag for you.

During my purchase I also spy this architecturally interesting bag, but it doesn’t ship until July! So….bye.

2 P.M. 

I’m on Instagram. I really want some hot Cheetos. Has anyone actually purchased Necessaire? I want to try it but also, I think I only want to try it because my favorite Instagrammers are being paid like 5k to post about it all day. They have a body wash, but they also do lotion and lube and stuff. I text Kate about it and make a mental note to circle back later.

I eat a sunbutter cup. It’s like a Reese’s but with sunflower seed butter and dark chocolate (so nothing like a Reese’s). I need more underwear and I am genuinely digging these from Amazon. They’re a dupe for the Gap Body ones we love at Lately, and since the closest Gap Body to me is like 15 miles away, I’ll just Prime these to my house instead.

My to-do list is still a mile long. I have a lot of hand-wash laundry to get to. I have 600 emails to respond to and I feel like at least half of them are embargoed news that I missed while I was OOO (out of office).

I want to make skillet lasagna for dinner.

5:30 P.M. 

After work I watch every episode of Netflix’s “Special” which I HIGHLY recommend. I schedule an appointment with my lash artist in Culver City and with my dermatologist in Agoura– both luxuries that keep me from looking like a drowned rat every day of my life.

Next I grocery shop for everything I need for my lasagna.

It’s from Basically, Bon Appetit’s Millennial-inspired cooking and recipe site, and it looks easy to make. I love cooking and find it soothing. I haven’t had a hard day, but my brain has felt like a mess for a while after having traveled and drank a shit ton and I hoped it would be nice to make myself a meal and enjoy the process of being present in my kitchen.

But spoiler alert, this recipe is not so easy to make!!!! Especially when you’re attempting to halve the recipe and suck at math-slash-are alone and need to use like 4 different bowls and lift a very heavy pan!!

Although I make a mess in the kitchen and my lasagna turns out ugly as sin (also makes more than I can ever possibly eat), it’s fucking delicious and nourishes me in mind, body, and spirit.

Yes, there are nights when all I want is a big salad with a ton of vegetables. I think a baked fish with a side of greens can be a centering experience. But nothing is as especially healing as a big bowl of warm pasta with some sort of spicy red sauce and a lot of cheese. Nothing corrects my center of gravity quite like that. I find my stillness in the noddles. The aromatic sauce and gooey cheese envelopes my soul.

If I were drinking right now, I would be enjoying this experience with a hearty glass of red wine.

Regardless, I feel soothed.

I cuddle up on the couch with my dog and watch “The Bisexual”. Passover starts Friday at sundown and I think about how soon I won’t be able to eat any leavened bread. That means no bagels or breakfast sandwiches. I’m going to practically be a beast for a week. Thank god for matzo brittle.

 

Surprise Bitch! Bet You Thought You’d Seen The Last Of Us

In the words of Cardi B, we’re back bitches. We don’t want to hear we’re acting different–because we’re pretty much the same anyway.

Yes, we took a writing respite because life is a thing that gets in the way and we are only a small (but mighty) team of two busy ladies. But we’re here now! Did you miss us? We missed you.

So much has happened while we were on a break! Glossier came out with a bunch of new products we have no plans to try. The Jonas Brothers are back and they’ve had sex. Tavi Gevinson pointed out that Elizabeth Holmes and Gigi Hadid have the same voice and now we can’t un-hear it!

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My girl Elizabeth Holmes 👁👁💉

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Anyway, this is not really a post with any point other than to say HEY! We’re back to our regularly scheduled programming.

So get ready to hear the latest from Lately prettttayyy prettayyyy soon.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

L & K