Tag: yom kippur

Saying Sorry

Featured thelatelyblogLeave a comment

Everything is different this year, including my apologies. Yom Kippur begins this weekend and I have been taking stock of what doesn’t sit right with me. Last year, I sought to forgive myself for the way I was mistreating me. This year (in my eyes) is less about the push and pull of asking for forgiveness and granting it. It’s about apologizing and expecting no forgiveness at all.

First and foremost, I would like to apologize to Breonna Taylor. An entire country — YOUR country — failed you. I am so deeply sorry that you have continually been denied justice and for the meme-ification of your murder and your life. You are more than a hashtag and the products and magazine covers made to capitalize off of your existence as a Black woman. The treatment of your memory is abhorrent. “Sorry” could never be enough. What has been done to you is unforgivable. All I can offer is my words and my actions. Your life mattered.

I deeply hate and am disgusted by the treatment of the Black community by police in the United States. I am naming Breonna, but there have been many other Black people — who all matter — who still have not received justice. I am dedicating 5781 (the Jewish new year) to education and action.

I am sorry to all the kids who were excited about their first year of kindergarten, middle school, high school and college. I am sorry to everyone entering their last year of those things. It’s such a shitty time to begin or to end anything. I am so sorry you were robbed of your excitement and had to adapt to this weird non-way of living life. It sucks so much.

If you were planning to get married this year or go on your honeymoon or had a big family trip planned, I’m sorry you had to hold off. This isn’t our year, is it?

I am really sorry to anyone who got sick with coronavirus. The people in charge grossly mishandled all of it. I have come to accept that our country could have done so many more things right and chose not to. I am so sorry to anyone who had to suffer or is currently suffering because they couldn’t/can’t get the medical care that they need. It’s embarrassing on so many levels.

I am sorry to the summer I thought I was going to have. I am sorry to my friends who I haven’t seen in months. Please know that I miss you every single day. I am sorry to Chicago, to Andrew, to my aunt and my uncle. My parents. My grandma. Mary. I apologize to the nights out I missed. The restaurants that closed that I wanted to try. To my therapist for calling her 18000000 times. To my eyes for only ever taking in my computer screen. To California for its fires. For things that aren’t my fault and for everything that is. To Chelsea, to Tori, to Julia to Amanda. To Mijal. To Dan.

I read something somewhere once about some years being the ones where you plant the seeds and the next years being the ones where you watch it all grow. I am really hoping to see something good bloom eventually.

Love you all

LL

The Day of Atonement

thelatelyblog1 Comment

It’s Yom Kippur but some of you probably don’t know what that means. It’s an important Jewish holiday. It’s the day of atonement. It’s the day we don’t eat from sunset to sunset. We’re also not supposed to shower or have sex. We spend this day reflecting on all the bad stuff we’ve done, and forgiving others who have done bad stuff to us– or at the very least, try to let it go.

Yes, I will spend most of this day watching the clock and counting the minutes until I can put food into my body. But to distract myself I often text friends and family (who are not readily available) an apology for something I’ve done this year or a fight we had or just negative vibes that I want to clear up. Mostly my friends are like “lol it ok :)” but some genuinely appreciate the sentiment and it leads to a deeper discussion about how we can treat each other the way we want to be treated.

After apologizing to a handful of people I realized, I need to apologize to myself (but maybe you, a more in-tune with yourself person than I, do this already). I treated myself like shit for a lot of the year. Like even when I was trying to help myself (hello getting drunk to forget my problems!) I didn’t go about it in a healthy way and ended up puking on my front lawn (HELLOOOO getting drunk to forget my problems!) I was annoying and mean and frustrating and rude and moody and impatient and disrespectful and unforgiving this year, all to me!! My own damn self!! Cue Spider-Man pointing at Spider-Man meme.

When I started this thought process I worried it might be frivolous. I practice self care, I take bubble baths! But spending time forgiving myself for the mental anguish I put myself through…..that feels like I would be better off setting money on fire. It feels spoiled. It feels like I deserve to always have this pit inside of me, anxiety that makes me scratch my skin off and pull out my hair, panic attacks where I can’t breathe, depression where I don’t want to. But why?

It’s ridiculous that it feels shameful for me to admit that I deserve to have an okay time inside my own head. Just like I want to heal my friendships, I want to be able to heal my friendship with myself. Like I would tell a friend, you DESERVE to feel safe and okay and content inside your body, I want to give myself the same message.

I want to tell myself that I should always treat myself with kindness, and that I’m sorry for all the times I hurt you both mentally and physically. I want to tell her that I understand why she is making mistakes, and that she doesn’t deserve a public flogging just because she didn’t try her best or fell into an old habit. Every day doesn’t have to be your best. Days can be days. It only takes 21 days to break a habit or make a new, better one. I want to forgive myself for hanging on to toxic people. I want to forgive myself for then feeling bad that the toxic person feels bad that I won’t let them into my life anymore. I want to forgive myself for spiraling. I want to forgive myself for laying on the floor and not getting up.

I want to forgive myself for not always being able to protect her. I want to forgive myself for being afraid to ask for help. I want to forgive, and I want to feel good.

As with all apologies, it should never end with a “but.” If it does, you’re not actually sorry. I am ending my apology with a promise to do better. I am sorry “AND.” I am sorry to myself and this year I will do better. I am sorry to myself and this year I will be more gentle. I am sorry to myself and this year I will be more patient. I am sorry to myself and this year I will practice saying no, more. I am sorry to myself and this year I will admit to myself and others that I have limits and boundaries and spaces that I don’t want crossed. I am sorry to myself and I forgive me too.

Now, who wants a bagel?