The Zodiac Signs As Quarantine Snacks

Did I do this already? I don’t remember. Doing it again!

ARIES

Iced Coffee

You love to start your day by absolutely ruining your empty stomach with a large iced coffee. Then, when it’s well past lunch and you still haven’t eaten, you get a second one!

TAURUS

Leftover holiday candy

You survived off of mini-Snickers bars and packets of M&M’s from Halloween to Dec. 1. Thankfully, your Reeses cups don’t taste too much like the Lush bath bombs your mom put in your Christmas stocking.

GEMINI

Any Kind of Chips

You love that CRONCH!! Potato, tortilla, even pita. Just be sure to brush those crumbs out of your bed in between episodes of Bridgerton.

CANCER

Microwave Quesadilla

Every quarantine snack pretty much doubles as a depression meal, but nothing says I HAVE GIVEN UP ON MY LIFE PLEASE LET ME SLEEP FOREVER quite like a nuked tortilla with a few slices of Kraft American cheese.

LEO

Bell Peppers + Cream Cheese + Hot Cheetos/Takis

You’ve been watching a lot of TikTok and this seemed like a fun snack to try. Now you’re really into ALL TikTok snacks, but you can’t bring yourself to try those TikTok egg salad pickle-boats just yet (thank god).

VIRGO

Charcuterie Board

No one has any control right now, but at least you do over this charcuterie board. Make a salami river! Cookie cutter a fun shape into your brie! We’re all gonna die.

LIBRA

Apple Sauce/Yogurt Pouches for Babies

We get it. You’re baby.

SCORPIO

Gabagool

Whether you are Tony Soprano or someone who took a trip to Gelson’s for hummus and left with a lot of expensive food items you didn’t really need, it is powerful to eat loose cured-meats. You can’t tell me otherwise.

SAGITTARIUS

Expensive Cookies Your Roommate Bought

Okay, THIEF!!! The next gluten-free double-chocolate chip Tate’s box is on you, I guess.

CAPRICORN

Alcohol

Drunk since March, drunker in September and now DRUNKEST in 2021! Maybe you can get a Cancer to make you a microwaved quesadilla to soak some of that up.

AQAURIUS

Fruit With Alternative Nut Butters

Isn’t it nice that someone has a nutritious coping mechanism??? You go for apples, bananas, persimmons, dates, figs, etc… all with almond, cashew, sunflower, whatever the fuck else butter!! You’re getting some good protein and fiber god damnit!

PISCES

Ice Cream

At least you’re more upfront about your need for comfort food than a lot of these other signs. Good thing it’s never too cold for ice cream — especially when you’re parked in front of your space heater.

This Is What Party Food You Would Be According to The Zodiac

Inspired by my recent attendance at a party with fabulous snacks!

Yes, there are a lot of dips!

Also…qualifying everything as apps!

Aries: Buffalo Chicken Dip

Depending on who you are (and who made you) you can be a little spicy–just like this dip! Under your baked exterior you have a gooey, cheesy heart. Someone just needs to a sharp enough chip or cracker to break through!

Taurus: Chips and Onion Dip

Taurus, you’re a classic. We can’t get enough of you. No matter if you’re homemade or store-bought, you’re everybody’s favorite party app because you bring the grounding flavors that leave people coming back for more.

Gemini: Shrimp Cocktail

First of all, don’t you dare be offended Gemini. Shrimp cocktail is good AF!!!! You’re fresh and tangy, just like this shellfish and tomato combo. Plus, because you’re easily bored we made you an app that’s fun to eat! Don’t forget to douse yourself in lemon, first.

Cancer: Mozzarella Sticks

Yes, we made you the warmest and gooiest snack, Cancer. You are comfort and indulgence both in food and in personality! Everybody feels cozier after having a taste–except the lactose adverse. You can’t please everyone!

Leo: Guacamole

Your commitment to receiving the most attention makes you a solid option for guacamole. Guess what people always want more of? Guac. Guess what always costs extra? Guac. Plus, it helps that eating avocado is actually great for that lion’s mane you call hair.

Virgo: Caprese Skewers

https://www.instagram.com/p/Br3KM2hgN24/

Okay, first of all look how pretty! Virgo you care about organization and aesthetics and this app is all about execution! Plus, knowing your secret temper you may have saved a few of those skewers in your pocket for later in case you need to confront whoever has been messing up the arrangement of the chicken nuggets!

Libra: Fried Macaroni Balls

https://www.instagram.com/p/Br3x7X1FWT-/

Libra baby, you’re all fun on the outside and all warm and soft on the inside. You’re all about this balance of flavors and textures. Like macaroni balls, you charm everyone you meet so don’t be surprised if there are quite a few people crowding around your plate.

Scorpio: Chicken Wings

https://www.instagram.com/p/BtMToGClcBD/

You’re oh so seductive Scorpio, just like wings in all flavors. Whether you’re boneless or bone-in, you offer so much to those who eat you and they relish the flavors (and personalities) you put on. You don’t need ranch or bleu cheese to make you a more palatable snack or person, it’s purely complementary.

Sagittarius: Pigs in A Blanket

https://www.instagram.com/p/BtADaDFgKeO/

You’re just a juicy surprise inside a flaky warm bun!! We made you a pig in a blanket because you love adventure (so you’re portable) and typically don’t give a floop what anyone thinks about your or what sauces you’re dipped in. You’re full of protein (and energy) but you have a soft side too. Plus, we could seriously eat 1000000 of you. You’re the best.

Capricorn: Chicken Nuggets

Chicken nuggets are not bland and boring, they are an absolute party STAPLE. If we come through to your party and there are no chicken nugz……we’re leaving. That’s also how we feel about Capricorns. Why stay anywhere there aren’t any of those guys? They work so hard to pair perfectly with every dip and sauce. Plus, they can be enjoyed as a main and not just an app–so versatile, so creative–just like a Cap!

Aquarius: Bagel Bites

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PIZZA BAGELS 🤘🏼🍕😛 #hungryhungry

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My wayward Aquarian, you’re a bagel bite. You’re a little outside the box as far as snacks go, but everyone gets freakin excited as hell when they see you. You’re also cute as fuck JUST like a mini bagel.

Pisces: Mini Quiche

You love being posted up all cozy so like your water sister Cancer, you’re a very cozy-making app. You want to give your friends the most, and so you offer them a little of everything–which is why mini quiches come in so many flavors. They’re the Pisces of the frozen food aisle. Never crust-less tho…obvi.

This Is What Christmas Song Your Zodiac Sign Would Be

Aries

Hallelujah – Pentatonix

You’re a traditionalist at heart, and you privately think Hallelujah is the fucking most gorgeous song ever. Aries, you’re one to have a hot toddy and get all misty-eyed while mumbling along. This Pentatonix cover is acapella so it’s JUST different enough to capture your goldfish-like attention. You’ll never admit how beautiful you think it is–that is, until you’ve had a few.

Taurus

Happy XMas (War Is Over) – Celine Dion

First of all, fuck John Lennon. This Celine cover is incredible and you know it Taurus!! You love the message of this song, because it’s not too Jesus-y but it’s about treating others with respect and kindness. You also believe that you can hit those high notes like Celine when you’re alone in your car. Sure, babe!

Gemini

Santa Tell Me – Ariana Grande

You’re such a tricky little B, Gemini. You’re obsessed with the idea of mistletoe and getting kissed under it. You want an Xmas flirtation more than you want a new iPhone. A traditional Christmas song just won’t do for you. An Ariana bop it is!

Cancer

Last Christmas – Taylor Swift

You get the most emo Christmas song, Cancer. For you Christmas is definitely a time of reflection. While Wham! is nice, you’ve never really escaped your 2008-self. That’s why you instantly adore this Taylor cover. You’re dedicating it to all your exes. Especially the idiot nursing his whiskey and crying to Pentatonix.

Leo

All I Want For Christmas Is You – Mariah Carey

Did you think we would make you anything other than the most popular Christmas song like…ever? OFC you’re Mariah, Leo! Christmas is all about you!!!! Like Mariah Carey, you’ve probably made all your friends/siblings/children memorize the backing vocals so you can sing lead. Good work.

Virgo

Step Into Christmas – Elton John

You stan a classic, Virgo. This Christmas song is super jazzy and dance-able. It makes you smile immediately when you put it on. You love Christmas because you get to be in charge of decorating, list-making, and gift-giving. It’s all about order and preparation, which is where you thrive!  Luckily, singing along won’t throw off whatever psychotic system you’ve prepared for wrapping presents and decorating the tree.

Libra

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays – N’Sync

Christmas for you is all about feeling cozy, Libra. It’s just the right amount of love and cookies and decorations. That’s why you’re a song that celebrates the feeling of the season! Because you’re a Libra and all about balance, you’re not just saying Merry Christmas, you’re also wishing everyone a happy holidays! Shout out to Jews!

Scorpio

Baby It’s Cold Outside – Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton

Scorpio, you’re the best possible version of the worst possible song. This song is probably about date rape? No one can really tell. But Dolly Parton and Rod Stewart together is absolute magic. This song is sleezy but also a little sexy–like you! If you’re mad that we didn’t make you the Meghan Trainor version that is sooooo Scorpio of you.

Sagittarius

My Only Wish (This Year) – Britney Spears

Your secretly squishy heart loves this song. Also, it’s Britney so–duh. You love this song. It’s poppy and fun like you and reveals your most hidden desires, which you’re not so great at doing IRL. I hope you find the Justin to your Britney this year, boo boo.

Capricorn

Say All You Want For Christmas – Nick Jonas and Shania Twain

You’re trying to act like you don’t love a little drama in your life, but Capricorn, you do. You’re desperate for some Christmas love to disrupt the placid waters you’re currently floating in, going nowhere. This dazzling duet is just as complex and capable of love as you are. If you were Nick Jonas, I would kiss you rn.

Aquarius

Mistletoe – Justin Bieber

My forever young-at-heart and oh so enthusiastic Aquarian, this J Biebs song is sO you. The beat is super catchy, the lyrics are cute, and it’s chill as fuck but people still get so hype when it comes on. Sound familiar?

Pisces

Hoping For Snow – The Vamps

Pisces baby, you’re non traditional and would be a Christmas song we’ve never heard of but you’re stanning ever since it came out. The song is actually good, which you’ve been saying the entire time you showed it to us. Okay, we get it! I hope Santa Claus brings you the validation you so clearly need to function!!!! Yay!

 

BONUS

All the signs are also somehow the Chanukah Song Part II (the better one)! Great! Thanks!

 

 

 

 

 

This Is What Cheese Plate You Would Be According To The Zodiac

Can you believe it’s ONLY Tuesday? Since we’ve heroically made it to the second day of the work week, I am sharing photos of my raison d’être, which just so happens to be cheese.

Call it a cheese plate, a cheese board, a charcuterie, or if you’re my ex boyfriend a “char-coot.” Whatever the hell it is, it’s delicious. American Airline’s fruit and cheese box could never. Starbucks cheese bistro box is shook. Look at these photos of meats and cheeses and fruits and chill. We’ll make it to the weekend soon.

Aries

https://www.instagram.com/p/BoMJ84mgjJ9/?utm_source=ig_embed

Aries needs some spicy meats and tangy sauces and spreads to go with their cheese selection. They hate olives but that doesn’t mean they don’t want them on the plate for aesthetic purposes. What’s in that brie? You have no idea. Pass the gabagool!

Taurus

Taurus can’t seem to guilt themselves into eating a mainly cheese plate. They know they need to keep it fresh with some veggies and fruits. However, they will eat all the cheese and drizzle every bite with honey. Sorry not sorry.

Gemini

OFC Gemini would include something sweet like chocolate on their charcuterie to mess with the balance. How is this decadent, sweet, sour, salty, good, and terrible all at once? Honestly all we want is mouthful of tomato and cheese followed by a handful of pomegranate seeds.

Cancer

Baby mama of the zodiac, your cheese plate doesn’t play. It’s like 80% cheese. You came here to feed yourself and everyone else and you know what the good stuff ACTUALLY is. None of this cornichon business. You’ve already shoveled like 4 handfuls of cheese in your mouth while I’ve been talking, haven’t you?

Leo

Leo, you like to look good, but you don’t care if your food does. It’s fine if its all kind of mashed together as long as its tasty AF. You dropped some major coin on those marcona almonds but they were worth it tbh. You’re prettier than your plate is, but you’ll still take a pic next to it because you’re proud.

Virgo

Everything about this cheese plate is neat and in its place. Even the herbs. Plus, the pumpkin makes it homey AF. Don’t touch it though. You’ll ruin it! You know what, you’re probably better off serving it to people than letting them take what they want, you absolute control freak. I would hate you but this does look good.

Libra

Libra your cheese plate is just as fun and whimsical as you are. You included things people typically wouldn’t think to and flavor combinations that might seem zany, but are damn good. You’re so creative I just want to take a bite out of that brie, and you…damn

Scorpio

You cool ass Scorpio bitch!!!!!! Look at this vaguely Mediterranean set up!!! How did you come up with this? How are you so crafty? Get that prosciutto-wrapped breadstick out of your mouth. It’s giving me ideas.

Sagittarius

You don’t need much to make a good meal, and you know that Sag. You take some simple stand out flavors and enjoy the simple but still delectable combos. You know what works AND you made deviled eggs with bacon too? You absolute charcuterie genius.

Capricorn

Papa of the Zodiac, you wanted to make sure everybody got some bread or a cracker to pair with their meat and their cheese. Your detail-oriented-ness has not gone unnoticed here what with the orderly set up and the peanut butter pretzels, but it’s SO YOU to forget to slice your cheese. How are we supposed to eat this? Break it off? I’m leaving with a whole wedge in my purse. BYE

Aquarius 

Aquarius my little air headed baby, what the fuck is this and why do I love it? I can’t identify some of the things on your plate but you probably found them at some cool market I’ve never heard of and thought it might go well with your other ingredients. Well it DOES.

Pisces

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Is it the weekend yet?!

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Pisces, as the mom-friend you went all out on your cheese board and it looks fucking divine. But could you shut up about all the work you went to? No one asked you for this!!! Eat a fig with some of that blue cheese and shutup. I love you.

This Is What Pasta Dish You Would Be According To The Zodiac

Aries

https://www.instagram.com/p/BmN8hKVhF7b/?tagged=penneamatriciana

Just like penne, you have pointy edges to your personality that you use to either attack or defend your friends and foes. You also have a spicy side, just like penne amatriciana!

Taurus

Taurans are reliable, grounded, and classic, just like spaghetti and meatballs. You can dress them up or dress them down, but at the end of the day it’s still a dish (and a zodiac sign) you have no problem with.

Gemini

People tend to worry about you twisty little freaks, and for good reason–you can turn on a dime. While you might seem and even taste delicious and buttery, nothing will get you sick quicker than bad shellfish. For that reason, Geminis are linguine with clams.

Cancer

My precious Cancer babes, you’re a bowl of warm and comforting gnocchi. At the end of the day, you just want to feed your soul–and your face.

Leo

You always want to be the main event, so Leo you’re a pasta dish that is basically a layer cake. You are a lasagna and you’re magnificent. Are you happy now??

Virgo

Virgo I know you crave order, tradition, and as much control as possible. But you still like to think that you’re fun! That’s why you’re this twist on a classic–bacon mac and cheese.

Libra

“In this family, Thai noodles count as pasta”–something a Libra would say. You’re super chill but you’re always down to explore. Pad thai is the perfect balance of tastes for your palate (and personality).

Scorpio

https://www.instagram.com/p/BmmTHV9BXex/?hl=en&tagged=squidinkpasta

Witchy and wonderful, Scorpios are getting matched with a briny and mysterious treat–squid ink pasta. What are you going to find in there? Squid? Clams? Tomatoes? Who TF knows.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians are curious and fun-loving people who enjoy surprises. They’re a lot like ravioli, a tasty pocket full of enthusiasm, wonder, and occasionally cheese.

Capricorn

Pesto pasta truly captures the essence of artsy, practical, know-it-all, Capricorn. For starters, you fucking love that you’re the only pasta on this list that’s green. Also, you probably already have a recipe for pesto that you LOVE. Bye.

Aquarius 

Hey air head! You get bored super easily and love to dance to the beat of your own drum. You’re kind of quirky! Just like pasta on pizza.

Pisces

Because you fear being alone and not being liked, you over compensate by doing the absolute most. It’s fine though, you’re so yummy everyone forgives you for giving them a stomachache, just like stuffed shells!